Sunday, September 30, 2007

Sunday......... waiting still... and hoping

So here it is Sunday.

I played at St Peter's on the Northside last night for the 5pm service. It was a cute little Schicker organ.

Also, talked with Janet yesterday about the St. Phil's gig, and we both lamented the poor progress. I have pretty much decided that I don't want to remain involved in full-time church music ministry, simply because of my toxic shame-based relationship to the field. I got into it 30 years ago when I was looking for salvation from a world that I had judged to be evil and unworthy; this led me to a road's end.

SO now I am looking to embrace all of the demons that I had decried as unworthy and find my true self in them....warts and all. In doing so I more or less, by degrees, free myself from the detachments to critical judgements of other, choosing instead to see all through the eyes of mercy and compassion. It is very freeing.

So is being in employment limbo. I am finding, now that I don't have to measure myself by what I do, that I am a pretty awesome creation, just by being alive! Trouble is I need to be able to support my need to breathe. So this is where the concern for being employed comes in. However, no longer is being employed the BIG aspect of my own self-worth, but just a manner of practicing social currency.

Thing is, I have been given this talent for creativity and expression through the medium of music. For 30 years I practiced the art in a manner specific to my own set of circumstances, as a person needing to qualify himself through affiliating with a higher moral ground. But along the way, I have realized my own humanity, and decided to allow myself to be all that I really am, without trying to hide as I was posing to appear to be like everyone else.

Ok, all that aside, I just want a job in music, and I sure hope that I hear something from Guitar Centers, but if I don't then I find I am at the point that any young adult finds themself: at a place where I am jobless, oozing with talent, and needing to cultivate a tact for promoting what I have to bring to the musical table.

God certainly helps other people to do that....why not me, especially now that I am out of my own way, and leaving myself open to unlimited possibilty. Moreover, I now have a set of skills, experience, and education that I did not have 30 years ago when I was starting my other career, and at an age when all people are at of point of beginning.

Now I pray for today, that God's will be done in my life. I still feel that he wants me to use music as my medium for connectiong socially. I just have to listen for that still small voice giving me advice from both without and within. It's not a matter of IF he gets me work, but WHEN he gets me work, or connects with the right resources to promote myself with maximum potential.

OK, did you hear that GOd? From my lips to your ears!?!?!??!?!

:-)

Friday, September 28, 2007

2nd Interview at Guitar World

Well they called me for another interview yesterday so we arranged to meet at 7pm.
OMG, when I arrived to speak w/ 'Dave' it turned out that he and I were in Chamber Singers at Duquesne back in the day.
So we talked for an hour (he did most of the rambling). Do salesman like to talk? Well, duh? I'll fit right in...that is, if they desire to hire me. I am still very much excited about this new work prospect.

In the meantime......St Philip....hmmm...... I think the pastor has decided that he does not like me, and I think that is because I am so confident in what I do. Some people are threatened by confidence. At any rate, I have pretty much decided that I definitely DO NOT need to return to a permanent gig in this field.

So, after the interview with Dave, he said they would be calling me either way sometime in the next coupla days......I hate that.....I mean should I continue to search? Or just trust that one of the options that have presented themselves thus far will pan out?

Since I have taken the leap, I feel more and more like just like another anonymous possibility in an overpopulated world of nobody's wanting desparately to express their 'somebody-ness'.

And as I find myself in between chapters, I realize more and more that the whole work ethic thing is less about making cash than it is about generating social currency. In previous chapters of my life, I went to great lengths to fit into a certain culture, and I poured all my resources into creating an arena where that would happen. Then I realized I was trapped in someone else's nightmare. Today I sit pondering the steps I took to realize my position there.

Well, I had to walk away, and so for today I am waiting in this nowhere space....this limbo......waiting to see who will emerge.

What's that sound?

That's the sound of waiting......... for the phone to ring.......

Thursday, September 27, 2007

Latest Developments in the Job quest

So here's the update on what's happening in the world of ron:

Been looking for jobs for the past week or so.

I was waiting to see what was going to happen with the St Phil's gig, but my instincts about that situation have not been good. It just does not seen right that I remain in church music.

So I have been pursuing other possibilities. I even considered doing anything outside of music [I know......imagine THAT! ] However, I feel strongly that God is calling me to remain in the area of my particular skills.

Along those lines the other day, I found a job listing for this business:









I am extremely excited about the prospect of working in a totally different type of environment. Imagine me in sales! So I went to their website and they require a pre-screening application be filled out on line. So I did that, and yesterday, received an email inviting me to fill out an official application for employment, and to return it to the store. So I did that, and the person I was to return it to ws not there to take it, so I left it and went home.

Well about 1-ish they called and asked that I come for am interview, so I did and I spoke with two managers. I love the idea of working with this team. I have another interview pending with the quy who has the power to hire, and should be hearing from him today. I'll keep you posted.

So far, here is what I have done to get employed:
Placed an application at Allegheny Valley School; found an ad in the paper for 3rd shift Direct Care worker. I had already done that years ago, and thought that that would be a great extra job to do in tandem with the St Philip gig. Well, I interviewed for that and they told me unfortunately that they had the quota for males filled at the time, but asked if I was interested in possible work in the future, should the opportunity arise (there is always turnover in this field). I said I was, but that was before the 'Guitar Center' possibility.

Along other lines, yesterday also, I found an ad for people interested in pursuing home business opportunities. I filled out an on-line application to receive info about that. Now that seems like a pretty lucrative field. I started receiving calls and emails immediately. Problem is, you need to make an investment to begin to participate. That's not possible for me right now, so I politely and graciously decline.

Looks like the Guitar Center gig has captured my interest, but I will keep you posted on the outcome of today's developments.

Sunday, September 23, 2007

I love alternative clothes


....and so I have decided to live extremely in a way that I am meant to live.

Truth is, I have always always always marched to the beat of a different drum---at least in my own head. However, I did make many choices throughout life out of fear of being rejected in my unique point of view.

One of the major ways that I have decided to honor my own 'beat' is in the area of clothing.

Here you can see I am wearing a tunic that I purchased from Syria. I started wearing these when I lived in Minneapolis, and nobody seemed to care. It's all about comfort for me, and stretching gender boundaries and not wearing binding clothes. I have another in this style that is blue in color, and I have one with a hood that is brown. Last year at the Pride Festival in Minneapolis Loring Park I wore a white one with a rainbow sarong as a sash belted around my waist.

I know what you are thinking: that it is not very manly; that I don't look very 'fetching'. In my own defense, I must say, that I certainly don't feel feminine in a tunic, but really, more masculine than ever, precisely because the two powerful contrasting energies which are inherent in the approximation of two dynamic polarities, in this case gender roles, appearing in a singular manner of expression. Pluralities dwelling in unity. The lion lying down with the lamb.

I truly feel a 'call' within to dare to be myself; to debunk the media and cultural myths that shape our ideas about power: power in clothing, money, physical prowess, possessions, etc.

Consumerism. It's all about the benjamins, and the lincolns and the hamiltons and the washingtons.

Living in the monastery, however, has opened my eyes to the fact that I can live without contributing one red cent to the national debt....well to a point. Anyway, one way or the other, it gives you something to think about....then again, maybe not.