i am so glad this day is here. it is my 'rock' day. it will be fully focused on recovery and nothing else.
starting today at 9am i will participate in the healing circle. then since mom has no therapy scheduled, i will go over to uniontown early afternoon to be there for my monday night survivors of incest meeting without having to fight rush hour traffic.
recently i have been in such an odd place interiorly speaking. not odd in the sense that there is fear or tension involved. since i've stopped controlling all the aspects of my life that i had feared would damn me if i did them, i am finding that that is not the case. in repurposing alcohol and a little pot in my life [when practicing with the band] and allowing my self to numb out on substances [not blind, but measured and monitored self destruction] i am better able to ACCEPT my woundedness and get a more accurate picture of how the csa has impacted my life.
i spent my whole life constructing an ethic that would win me laurels in every situation imaginable for my own trajectory path.
i went through life feeling like crap and knew that indeed i was crap and that if only i spent 30,000 or more for the next level of education, that if only i got the next certification, blah blah blah, that finally i would be worthy. that got me through a large period of time, a chapter, when i was not ready to just fall into the not-so-cushy arms of deep and significant recovery. even after 23 years living clean from alcohol and drugs, obsessivly-compulsively dancing with food, it really did nothing for true self esteem, because the whole time deep within i remained unconvinced, and the sense that i was crap never went away. the truth is, i was still in denial and all my attempts at worthy-making was just like trying to build a bridge to the sun.
it was not until i risked letting go of all the things i had conjectured for my life as being for my highest and best good, that i was able to make some true progress.
that is, if you call groveling in the dust progress. because that's where i am at this moment in my life. any you know what, i don't mind it. i realize it is just a resting place along the way, and that i can't live here for the rest of my daze. the process keeps unfolding.
but the really odd thing is, had this been a year ago, i would have been in pure panic mode, like the steps under me were collapsing. well, in fact they are! but you know what? i don't care!? because i am surrendering to whatever will be, and i know that i am not gonna fall far from grace. that's what the 23 years of clean and 'sober' living gave me. determination and trust in my higher power.
fancy that, a lesson that took me 23 years to learn. and the funniest part of that is, that the best lesson to be learned still lies ahead in the future.
i am glad to be where i am today, because truthfully, i have no where else to go but into the void, the great unexplored frontier of my life.
i think i am pretty courageous to go there.
wow, did i just say that?
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
jottings #7
well i have not written in my little journal for a few days because i have been very busy with things and have not have the time to focus my thoughts.
last time it wrote i was anticipating my attendance at a not so local survivors of incest anonymous meeting. i made the 1+ hour drive to uniontown and attended the meeting. it was a small meeting, but it felt so right to be there. i remember that in my early recovery days, i actually went to a couple of incest survivors meetings in the mid 80's but that was before they changed the name from Incest Survivors Anonymous to Survivors of Incest Anonymous [circa 1988].
after 23 years of recovery programs i know the drill at this point. but i have to say that this organization is truly one that feels like 'home' to me. the literature is set up like aa's but it does not have the same tone to it; it feels less judgmental somehow. here they are:
ADAPTED 12 STEPS of SIA
1. We admitted we were powerless over the abuse, the effects of the abuse and that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a loving Higher Power, greater than ourselves, could restore hope, healing and sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of a loving Higher Power, as we understood Her/Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves, the abuse, and its effects on our lives. We have no more secrets.
5. Admitted to a loving Higher Power, to ourselves, and to another human being our strengths and weaknesses.
6. Were entirely ready to have a loving Higher Power help us remove all the debilitating consequences of the abuse and became willing to treat ourselves with respect, compassion and acceptance.
7. Humbly and honestly asked a loving Higher Power to remove the unhealthy and self-defeating consequences stemming from the abuse.
8. Made a list of all the people we may have harmed (of our own free will), especially ourselves and our inner child, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would result in physical, mental, emotional or spiritual harm to ourselves or others.
10. Continued to take responsibility for our own recovery and when we found ourselves behaving in patterns still dictated by the abuse, promptly admitted it. When we succeed, we promptly enjoy it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with ourselves and a loving Higher Power as we understood Her/Him, asking only for knowledge of Her/ His will for us and the power and courage to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other survivors and practice these principles in all our endeavors.
i met some really cool people there, and it was awesome to hear them share their stories. the group was excited to have a new 'brother' in their family. wow, that seemed just right for them to put it that way. we also discussed the possibility of my starting a meeting in the pittsburgh area, which i definitely am interested in doing. i want to get my feet wet in the program first.
one of the gals who has been involved at the intergroup level made some very cool ceramic purple hearts which she gave me, and i put it on my keyring.
last time it wrote i was anticipating my attendance at a not so local survivors of incest anonymous meeting. i made the 1+ hour drive to uniontown and attended the meeting. it was a small meeting, but it felt so right to be there. i remember that in my early recovery days, i actually went to a couple of incest survivors meetings in the mid 80's but that was before they changed the name from Incest Survivors Anonymous to Survivors of Incest Anonymous [circa 1988].
after 23 years of recovery programs i know the drill at this point. but i have to say that this organization is truly one that feels like 'home' to me. the literature is set up like aa's but it does not have the same tone to it; it feels less judgmental somehow. here they are:
ADAPTED 12 STEPS of SIA
1. We admitted we were powerless over the abuse, the effects of the abuse and that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a loving Higher Power, greater than ourselves, could restore hope, healing and sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of a loving Higher Power, as we understood Her/Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves, the abuse, and its effects on our lives. We have no more secrets.
5. Admitted to a loving Higher Power, to ourselves, and to another human being our strengths and weaknesses.
6. Were entirely ready to have a loving Higher Power help us remove all the debilitating consequences of the abuse and became willing to treat ourselves with respect, compassion and acceptance.
7. Humbly and honestly asked a loving Higher Power to remove the unhealthy and self-defeating consequences stemming from the abuse.
8. Made a list of all the people we may have harmed (of our own free will), especially ourselves and our inner child, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would result in physical, mental, emotional or spiritual harm to ourselves or others.
10. Continued to take responsibility for our own recovery and when we found ourselves behaving in patterns still dictated by the abuse, promptly admitted it. When we succeed, we promptly enjoy it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with ourselves and a loving Higher Power as we understood Her/Him, asking only for knowledge of Her/ His will for us and the power and courage to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other survivors and practice these principles in all our endeavors.
i met some really cool people there, and it was awesome to hear them share their stories. the group was excited to have a new 'brother' in their family. wow, that seemed just right for them to put it that way. we also discussed the possibility of my starting a meeting in the pittsburgh area, which i definitely am interested in doing. i want to get my feet wet in the program first.
one of the gals who has been involved at the intergroup level made some very cool ceramic purple hearts which she gave me, and i put it on my keyring.
Monday, June 23, 2008
jottings #6
i have my first sia meeting this evening. i emailed the moderator of the group to introduce myself and she sent me instructions for how to proceed, enter the building etc. i have also been in contact with the point person for the sia website, and he said that she is very well involved in the organization on the intergroup level.
for a fleeting moment i felt a bit tired to get involved in this group. the reason being that having 'done' many different recovery groups over the past 23 years, and even though i experienced much healing and recovery as a result [actually the world benefited the most i guess lol] i was weary of the hope filled anticipation that in the past had precipitated my involvement in the recovery for that particular issue. i got swept away.....another jones: getting swept away.
so chalk up process addictions as just another attempt to avoid the pain of the effects of my early abuse.
what trucker51, mark said in response to one of my messages gave me pause and helped lead me to a whole new set of questions:
upon reading that it dawned on me that i possibly overlooked the possible physical component, the ADD. and on closer introspection i realized all my life has been an attempt to 'work on issues' that 'i' thought were pertinent. even though throughout the recovery years, i had worked intermittently with therapists on a short term basis, i was unaware at the time of my therapeutic course that i had my own diagnostic agenda subconsciously working beneath the surface. a big piece of my disease is to live inside my own head, diagnose my own problems, provide my own solutions [ i think the 'silence' mandate did that to me]...... and the whole time, i was missing the whole point! the point being that what made me develop this 'problem solving approach' to the puzzle of 'me' was really all due to the effects of having been sexually abused.
here all along, i was thinking, i was sexually abused, but...... i am also 'alcoholic.....oh, yes now add 'compulsive overeater to the list.....now add process addict.....now add workaholic..... boy, 'i' had better buck up and take care of all these 'isms' of mine, so i can be thought of in the best light. and underneath it all, the subtext silently screamed :
' i'm a good boy, citizen, son, parent, employee.... i am, i really really am!'
ok, so back to the drawing board. back to recovery in its purest motives. back to dealing with the main thing that left me in the state i'm in.
i am not really 'looking forward' to this new leg of my recovery journey, at least not in the sense that i anticipate a result. this time around i will not have an 'end-gaining' mentality as i work toward recovery. i will put my recovery in the hands of someone with more experience than i, and climb fully inside the boat, instead of attempting to walk on water along side it. _________________________
for a fleeting moment i felt a bit tired to get involved in this group. the reason being that having 'done' many different recovery groups over the past 23 years, and even though i experienced much healing and recovery as a result [actually the world benefited the most i guess lol] i was weary of the hope filled anticipation that in the past had precipitated my involvement in the recovery for that particular issue. i got swept away.....another jones: getting swept away.
so chalk up process addictions as just another attempt to avoid the pain of the effects of my early abuse.
what trucker51, mark said in response to one of my messages gave me pause and helped lead me to a whole new set of questions:
Quote:
Some of that is aging, some of it is progress in recovery. Some of it might be ADD. I loose my keys almost everyday even though I almost always put them in the same place.
upon reading that it dawned on me that i possibly overlooked the possible physical component, the ADD. and on closer introspection i realized all my life has been an attempt to 'work on issues' that 'i' thought were pertinent. even though throughout the recovery years, i had worked intermittently with therapists on a short term basis, i was unaware at the time of my therapeutic course that i had my own diagnostic agenda subconsciously working beneath the surface. a big piece of my disease is to live inside my own head, diagnose my own problems, provide my own solutions [ i think the 'silence' mandate did that to me]...... and the whole time, i was missing the whole point! the point being that what made me develop this 'problem solving approach' to the puzzle of 'me' was really all due to the effects of having been sexually abused.
here all along, i was thinking, i was sexually abused, but...... i am also 'alcoholic.....oh, yes now add 'compulsive overeater to the list.....now add process addict.....now add workaholic..... boy, 'i' had better buck up and take care of all these 'isms' of mine, so i can be thought of in the best light. and underneath it all, the subtext silently screamed :
' i'm a good boy, citizen, son, parent, employee.... i am, i really really am!'
ok, so back to the drawing board. back to recovery in its purest motives. back to dealing with the main thing that left me in the state i'm in.
i am not really 'looking forward' to this new leg of my recovery journey, at least not in the sense that i anticipate a result. this time around i will not have an 'end-gaining' mentality as i work toward recovery. i will put my recovery in the hands of someone with more experience than i, and climb fully inside the boat, instead of attempting to walk on water along side it. _________________________
- the musical me
- what happened
- inspiration: headless way
Sunday, June 22, 2008
jottings #5
yeah, so i did all that stuff i said i was gonna do. it all went very well. the funeral, the rehearsal, the evening service. came home had something to eat. funny about eating lately. i have been noticing that i feel full only after a few bites. so my stomach hurts, cause i just kept on putting it in, till it was gone. the odd thing is, it was not even all that much. maybe it's age-ing, maybe it's just i am becoming more in touch with what my body is telling me. interesting.... now i guess i could just stop once i began to feel full, but then i'd have to pack up the leftovers and send them off to china, or risk the eternal fires of hell for wasting food. well, i'll probably go for gluttony anyway. hahahaha. i really used to buy into all that crap. it was part of the life of my conscience. i guess i don't have that conscience anymore......boy what a relief that is!
news on other fronts; i googled sia groups and found one in uniontown, about an hour south of pittsburgh. that's a lot of gas, but looks like i'll be heading south on monday night to attend the meeting of survivors of incest anonymous. well, i guess i'm not anonymous anymore, and have not even started. hahaha! i never was good at my own anonymity. shame one me! oh, nevermind, forget that!
so i am a bit excited to begin to meet others in the flesh who share my own particular brand of this disease. it is starting to sink in more and more, that i am not going to graduate from this. i have to surrender to the truth that i have this des-ease in my spirit and emotions, and nothing can cure it, only treat it. and the treatments must needs last til the day i die.
news on other fronts; i googled sia groups and found one in uniontown, about an hour south of pittsburgh. that's a lot of gas, but looks like i'll be heading south on monday night to attend the meeting of survivors of incest anonymous. well, i guess i'm not anonymous anymore, and have not even started. hahaha! i never was good at my own anonymity. shame one me! oh, nevermind, forget that!
so i am a bit excited to begin to meet others in the flesh who share my own particular brand of this disease. it is starting to sink in more and more, that i am not going to graduate from this. i have to surrender to the truth that i have this des-ease in my spirit and emotions, and nothing can cure it, only treat it. and the treatments must needs last til the day i die.
_________________________
- the musical me
- what happened
- inspiration: headless way
Saturday, June 21, 2008
jottings #4
yesterday went fine. no fear! i spent a bit of time at work making a few phone calls, and practicing for a recital that i will give in october.
when my sister came home from work she asked me if i wanted to join her at the local casino, and i went but told her that i did not have the funds to burn, so i just hung out with her as she burned hers.
those casinos are not as intimidating as i could make them out to be. people who are there are pretty much focused on their own agenda, whatever is drivng them to be there. they actually seem very robotic. i hate large crowds of people, but in this case it is not all that bad since no one is really paying attention to anyone else. it's a perfect social situation in my opinion. LOL
you don't have to find a corner to hide in, because you can stand in the middle of the room and be invisible.
came home listened to a wendy waldman cd that i recently obtained from amazon.com. it was one of those ones that came out on tape, before cd's became popular, called 'letters home'. it was released on cd somewhere along the way, but i was not into updateing my taped collection to cd. i think it is her best work, and after all these years, my enjoyment of the music on this cd has not waned. maybe i'll start a thread about that.
at any rate, my day today is going to be packed.
+ funeral to play this morning
+ band rehearsal at noon
+ evening service to play at the church
then back home to let out the birds [i guess some poeple let out the dogs, i let out the birds], check out the ms site. sounds like a plan. later
when my sister came home from work she asked me if i wanted to join her at the local casino, and i went but told her that i did not have the funds to burn, so i just hung out with her as she burned hers.
those casinos are not as intimidating as i could make them out to be. people who are there are pretty much focused on their own agenda, whatever is drivng them to be there. they actually seem very robotic. i hate large crowds of people, but in this case it is not all that bad since no one is really paying attention to anyone else. it's a perfect social situation in my opinion. LOL
you don't have to find a corner to hide in, because you can stand in the middle of the room and be invisible.
came home listened to a wendy waldman cd that i recently obtained from amazon.com. it was one of those ones that came out on tape, before cd's became popular, called 'letters home'. it was released on cd somewhere along the way, but i was not into updateing my taped collection to cd. i think it is her best work, and after all these years, my enjoyment of the music on this cd has not waned. maybe i'll start a thread about that.
at any rate, my day today is going to be packed.
+ funeral to play this morning
+ band rehearsal at noon
+ evening service to play at the church
then back home to let out the birds [i guess some poeple let out the dogs, i let out the birds], check out the ms site. sounds like a plan. later
_________________________
- the musical me
- what happened
- inspiration: headless way
Friday, June 20, 2008
jottings #3
i have been noticing lately some shifts in behavior patterns in my life.
i used to be ultra obsessed about doing certain things a certain way such as making sure i put my keys in the same pocket, my cell phone in the other; the way i would shower, i would always follow the same routine; the odd thing about it is that i am forgetting to remember to maintain these scripted behaviors.
this articulates something of immense importance to me: that i am actually thinking about other things instead of compulsively watching myself to make sure 'i' am still intact.
it is wonderful to recognize 'me' in retrospect as acting differently than i 'normally' do.
i have also started doing some things that i would never have done before; these are not things that i am consciously cueing myself 'change your routine etc'. it just turns out, that i am doing things with much more ease than i previously had come to do them.
for instance, when driving my car, i take a different way than usual. i stop to observe and 'smell' the roses [ i can't remember when i was last present to the season of spring.... i usually get to summer and say 'damn, i didn't notice the changing buds and the flowers this year! crap!]
also , my eating habits are changing. maybe it's because i am spending more time on MS website, but whatever, i am just glad that i am not such a prisoner of my own habits these days.
and that reminds of a biggie for me: my sex life is changing too. i often forget to remember to masturbate according to schedule! LOL, and i have lost interest in surfing for porn.
i feel like somehow i lost 'weight' and my 'clothes' are fitting me better.
o, another thing i want to write down, is that this year after 23 years of abstinence in recovery from drug and alcohol use, i chose to bring them back into my life. i know, if you are in recovery from those, you are most likely picking up your jaw from the desk at this moment.
what happened for me sometime toward the end of last year, after prior to that, spending a year and a half examining my life, i resolved to confront this issue. i realized that after all these years [no doubt, ceasing obsessive compulsive use of these substances advanced my spiritual and emotional recovery] that i needed to find out who i am for today with those in my life. so i started drinking alcohol again, and recently, when practicing with the band, having a toke or two of pot.
the beauty of it all, is that it has been half a year now since i have been using alcohol again, and my life is not centered around its use. i really think that by brining it back into my life as a healthier person, i was able to break the circle. the monster that was in the closet has been unleashed and it turns out he is not what i feared he might be. i could not have done this before now.
so, now i am free to go about my life without this dread fear that i may someday fall off the wagon. i just jumped off, and waved it on into the sunset. no my life is not now as it once was, organized around the culture of booze consumption. i drink only at appropriate times.
so now the next step for me is this: explore not what 'alcohol did to me' but what being sexually assaulted did to me; how it impacted my life and drew me into the compulsions that resulted in multiple addicted personality [frugs, alcohol, food, sex, process addictions etc].
....stay tuned
i used to be ultra obsessed about doing certain things a certain way such as making sure i put my keys in the same pocket, my cell phone in the other; the way i would shower, i would always follow the same routine; the odd thing about it is that i am forgetting to remember to maintain these scripted behaviors.
this articulates something of immense importance to me: that i am actually thinking about other things instead of compulsively watching myself to make sure 'i' am still intact.
it is wonderful to recognize 'me' in retrospect as acting differently than i 'normally' do.
i have also started doing some things that i would never have done before; these are not things that i am consciously cueing myself 'change your routine etc'. it just turns out, that i am doing things with much more ease than i previously had come to do them.
for instance, when driving my car, i take a different way than usual. i stop to observe and 'smell' the roses [ i can't remember when i was last present to the season of spring.... i usually get to summer and say 'damn, i didn't notice the changing buds and the flowers this year! crap!]
also , my eating habits are changing. maybe it's because i am spending more time on MS website, but whatever, i am just glad that i am not such a prisoner of my own habits these days.
and that reminds of a biggie for me: my sex life is changing too. i often forget to remember to masturbate according to schedule! LOL, and i have lost interest in surfing for porn.
i feel like somehow i lost 'weight' and my 'clothes' are fitting me better.
o, another thing i want to write down, is that this year after 23 years of abstinence in recovery from drug and alcohol use, i chose to bring them back into my life. i know, if you are in recovery from those, you are most likely picking up your jaw from the desk at this moment.
what happened for me sometime toward the end of last year, after prior to that, spending a year and a half examining my life, i resolved to confront this issue. i realized that after all these years [no doubt, ceasing obsessive compulsive use of these substances advanced my spiritual and emotional recovery] that i needed to find out who i am for today with those in my life. so i started drinking alcohol again, and recently, when practicing with the band, having a toke or two of pot.
the beauty of it all, is that it has been half a year now since i have been using alcohol again, and my life is not centered around its use. i really think that by brining it back into my life as a healthier person, i was able to break the circle. the monster that was in the closet has been unleashed and it turns out he is not what i feared he might be. i could not have done this before now.
so, now i am free to go about my life without this dread fear that i may someday fall off the wagon. i just jumped off, and waved it on into the sunset. no my life is not now as it once was, organized around the culture of booze consumption. i drink only at appropriate times.
so now the next step for me is this: explore not what 'alcohol did to me' but what being sexually assaulted did to me; how it impacted my life and drew me into the compulsions that resulted in multiple addicted personality [frugs, alcohol, food, sex, process addictions etc].
....stay tuned
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
jottings #2
ok, so i came back from taking mom to the rehab place. i am really pleased at the new sense of myself that i have these days, as i engage in banter with other people. i seem more joyful, and not trying so hard to win the approval of others [ie avoid their rejection of me]by playing court jester to get my own ego needs met. [yes, you WILL love me, and accept me, and cherish me, and long to be with me..... 
....]
ok, where were we..... please go back to whatever it was you were doing, and pay no attention to that man behind the curtain....
....]ok, where were we..... please go back to whatever it was you were doing, and pay no attention to that man behind the curtain....
jottings
i decided that i wanted to create a thread primarily for my own use, where i could document as the need arises the pulse of own progress. it's really not supposed to make sense to anyone, but i welcome comments. i want to have a convenient place to witness my own thought process around this aspect of my life. it's going to be kinda like my survivors blog.
my concern when i first woke up this morning was the last thing that was on my mind before i closed my eyes in sleep last night.
that is the first subject that presented itself to my consciousness. i wondered if i thought about it all night even as i slept.
isn't it funny? i wonder also how many other sleeping ideas are actively yet silently directing my life's path.
i think fear is my primary mode of being. of course i 'do' so many things which cover it up and keep me out of touch with it as my moments link from one to the next.
i am in a band and we practice at a place called 'the dungeon' a really grungy place where musicians and band members can rent out a space to rehearse. last night when i was going to use the 'facilities' i became overwhelmed by a sense of how fearful i was. fearful that i might run into another person on the way. fearful that when i got to the urinal itself, that someone else would be there. would i speak to them? would i just act like they were not there? would they speak to me? would they act as if i were not there? as i was standing there doing my thing, i was full of fear that someone would come in and need to use the area as well.
nothing happened. i was not necessarily relieved in that regard.
so as i walked back to the space, i started to look for patterns of fear in my life. where did this start? how long have been carrying fear of the moment around with me? all my life, i dare say.
i thought about growing up in my family, and how the family was controlled with an unspoken understanding that if you did not toe the line you there would be hell to pay. there was no discussion of any kind....you just knew that you did not question the system. that makes you walk on pins and needles. i mean who wants to get anyone pissed off at them, when they are already so starved for attention and affection. and who wants to have the shit kicked out of them. just stay out of the radar.
so anyway, back at rehearsal....as i was walking back to the space, i thought about how possibly unnatural it was to have the fears that i was experiencing. how limiting it was to have them. how they close the door on potential: the potential to meet and intersect with another consciousness. to experience a 'hit an run' opportunity to expand my spirit by virtue of having happily collided with another.
i think that that was one of the things that the incest took away from me. while giving me a whole lots of reasons to fear
+ rejection (my perp older brother after years of using me decided one day that he was over having sex with his siblings and that was that) today i seem to be tethered somehow to that moment of my life: and that was the ultimate rejection.
so now i realize that he was responsible for initiating me into two of the most powerful psychic experiences that a human could have: sexual initiation, and sexual rejection.... all within a period of about 7 years.
that was really a crucible for me, and as the days unfold for me, even 30 years later, i am beginning to see just how those essential experiences formed the ground upon which my entire perception would be shaped.
i am still uncovering more patterns as i begin to observe the many preferences that i seem to have (how did they get there?) and becoming more aware of the choices that either i avoided or just did not choose to make out of.....well, fear.
i hope that i can begin to make friends with my fear.
today, i have to take mom to her therapy as she recuperates from her second knee surgery in 6 months. doing so takes me out of my usual patterns and exposes me to people and situations that i would not normally encounter. so i get to observe my reactions to these experiences.
it should be challenging.
my concern when i first woke up this morning was the last thing that was on my mind before i closed my eyes in sleep last night.
fear
that is the first subject that presented itself to my consciousness. i wondered if i thought about it all night even as i slept.
isn't it funny? i wonder also how many other sleeping ideas are actively yet silently directing my life's path.
i think fear is my primary mode of being. of course i 'do' so many things which cover it up and keep me out of touch with it as my moments link from one to the next.
i am in a band and we practice at a place called 'the dungeon' a really grungy place where musicians and band members can rent out a space to rehearse. last night when i was going to use the 'facilities' i became overwhelmed by a sense of how fearful i was. fearful that i might run into another person on the way. fearful that when i got to the urinal itself, that someone else would be there. would i speak to them? would i just act like they were not there? would they speak to me? would they act as if i were not there? as i was standing there doing my thing, i was full of fear that someone would come in and need to use the area as well.
nothing happened. i was not necessarily relieved in that regard.
so as i walked back to the space, i started to look for patterns of fear in my life. where did this start? how long have been carrying fear of the moment around with me? all my life, i dare say.
i thought about growing up in my family, and how the family was controlled with an unspoken understanding that if you did not toe the line you there would be hell to pay. there was no discussion of any kind....you just knew that you did not question the system. that makes you walk on pins and needles. i mean who wants to get anyone pissed off at them, when they are already so starved for attention and affection. and who wants to have the shit kicked out of them. just stay out of the radar.
so anyway, back at rehearsal....as i was walking back to the space, i thought about how possibly unnatural it was to have the fears that i was experiencing. how limiting it was to have them. how they close the door on potential: the potential to meet and intersect with another consciousness. to experience a 'hit an run' opportunity to expand my spirit by virtue of having happily collided with another.
i think that that was one of the things that the incest took away from me. while giving me a whole lots of reasons to fear
+ rejection (my perp older brother after years of using me decided one day that he was over having sex with his siblings and that was that) today i seem to be tethered somehow to that moment of my life: and that was the ultimate rejection.
so now i realize that he was responsible for initiating me into two of the most powerful psychic experiences that a human could have: sexual initiation, and sexual rejection.... all within a period of about 7 years.
that was really a crucible for me, and as the days unfold for me, even 30 years later, i am beginning to see just how those essential experiences formed the ground upon which my entire perception would be shaped.
i am still uncovering more patterns as i begin to observe the many preferences that i seem to have (how did they get there?) and becoming more aware of the choices that either i avoided or just did not choose to make out of.....well, fear.
i hope that i can begin to make friends with my fear.
today, i have to take mom to her therapy as she recuperates from her second knee surgery in 6 months. doing so takes me out of my usual patterns and exposes me to people and situations that i would not normally encounter. so i get to observe my reactions to these experiences.
it should be challenging.
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Mother Theresa strikes again....
We,
the unwilling,
led by the unknowing,
are doing the impossible for the ungrateful.
We have done so much,
for so long,
with so little,
we are now qualified to do anything with nothing.
Mother Teresa
the unwilling,
led by the unknowing,
are doing the impossible for the ungrateful.
We have done so much,
for so long,
with so little,
we are now qualified to do anything with nothing.
Mother Teresa
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)