it has gotten so difficult lately to get through the day. ever since my final awakening to the fact that all my self-medicating behaviors were masking the real issues that were driving my life. i can't even bring myself to engage in them anymore, and since they are not there to distract me, all i can feel is the raw pain.
it's a new level of recovery for me, but it really hurts, and there is nowhere to run or hide anymore. time is my supreme enemy.
'i' is dying. and 'i' does not like it one iota.
blah.......
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Monday, July 14, 2008
jottings #11
ah that charlie hayes is an awesome guy. it's hard to believe he is so sincere, but after checking him out for a couple of week's now, i have come to trust him. and what he says is such a welcome message.
you can see him on youtube sharing an understanding rooted in hindi philosophy [but with a twist], or at his website where you can listen for free to his telephone conferences that he has recorded with real 'seekers'. he expects nothing in return.
he has made one of his messages available for mp3 download 'you are that'
if so inclined check him out and let me know your thoughts/opinions.
ron
you can see him on youtube sharing an understanding rooted in hindi philosophy [but with a twist], or at his website where you can listen for free to his telephone conferences that he has recorded with real 'seekers'. he expects nothing in return.
he has made one of his messages available for mp3 download 'you are that'
if so inclined check him out and let me know your thoughts/opinions.
ron
_________________________
- the musical me
- what happened
- inspiration: headless way
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
jottings #10
lately, i am slowly and surely drifting away from the need to glomb on to the recovery model.
after exploring the idea of narcissism upon reading a post by magraith
on the subject of sociopathic narcissism , i came to realize that there is a bit of the tendency in me [we all lie somewhere along the spectrum from sociopathic selfishness to sociopathic selflessness, but i think most of us lie somewhere in the synchristic balance between the two]. i could even pinpoint ways in which i have subconsciously used my friends in order to sate my egoistic needs. i felt ashamed for that. but i am not stuck in shame, it was healthy, because it led me to a new understanding of my own self-seeking behaviors, and brought me a a little closer to resolving the duality that is permitted to reign within, causing me to exist is several locations at once!
so one thing led to another, i can't remember the steps of my explorative process how i got from narcissism to non-dualism, but i did nonetheless and i came upon a rabbit hole that led me into a marvelous new realm of exploration.
they say when the student is ready the teacher will appear. and i am so ripe for this challenge. having been a seeker all my life, i really feel it has nothing to do with the abuse.
so there it is.
anyway in my adventure for exploring the topic of non-dualism ensued, i first came upon the advaita vedantablog when i saw the title it reminded me of the first time that i had actually heard about it: in joni litchell's album 'mingus' when it came out years ago, mingus was discussing it on the 'record' [yes, the days of 'records' and record players!] at the time i had been into reading about the akashic records and other 'new age' ideas. had tried transcendental meditation, zen, delved into chakra theory, kundilini energy etc. my interest in attaining higher stages of consciousness was very strong in the late teens and early 20's.
then the effects of the abuse started to kick in and led me to deny my true nature and brought me to the place where i became married, i walked away from my interest in eastern disciplines, and got plugged into western religion and born again christianity, had an emotional experience and came to believe that that was what it was all about. in the process i came to identify more and more with my own mind, my own ego, and all of its investments in cause and effect. this created a great deal of unbalance and tension in my inner world. but i do honor this part of my process. walking this path helped me to encounter the healing segment of my journey so that ultimately i could be brought back to unificity.
here are a couple of other awesome teachers that i have stumbled across over the past few days while exploring the comprehension of myself as 'present awareness':
if interested check out
http://www.advaita.org/
and here is a place where you can listen to ideas that emerge from vedanta for free [imagine that!]
http://www.theeternalstate.org/
well, if you need me you know where i'll be.....
ron
after exploring the idea of narcissism upon reading a post by magraith
on the subject of sociopathic narcissism , i came to realize that there is a bit of the tendency in me [we all lie somewhere along the spectrum from sociopathic selfishness to sociopathic selflessness, but i think most of us lie somewhere in the synchristic balance between the two]. i could even pinpoint ways in which i have subconsciously used my friends in order to sate my egoistic needs. i felt ashamed for that. but i am not stuck in shame, it was healthy, because it led me to a new understanding of my own self-seeking behaviors, and brought me a a little closer to resolving the duality that is permitted to reign within, causing me to exist is several locations at once!
so one thing led to another, i can't remember the steps of my explorative process how i got from narcissism to non-dualism, but i did nonetheless and i came upon a rabbit hole that led me into a marvelous new realm of exploration.
they say when the student is ready the teacher will appear. and i am so ripe for this challenge. having been a seeker all my life, i really feel it has nothing to do with the abuse.
so there it is.
anyway in my adventure for exploring the topic of non-dualism ensued, i first came upon the advaita vedantablog when i saw the title it reminded me of the first time that i had actually heard about it: in joni litchell's album 'mingus' when it came out years ago, mingus was discussing it on the 'record' [yes, the days of 'records' and record players!] at the time i had been into reading about the akashic records and other 'new age' ideas. had tried transcendental meditation, zen, delved into chakra theory, kundilini energy etc. my interest in attaining higher stages of consciousness was very strong in the late teens and early 20's.
then the effects of the abuse started to kick in and led me to deny my true nature and brought me to the place where i became married, i walked away from my interest in eastern disciplines, and got plugged into western religion and born again christianity, had an emotional experience and came to believe that that was what it was all about. in the process i came to identify more and more with my own mind, my own ego, and all of its investments in cause and effect. this created a great deal of unbalance and tension in my inner world. but i do honor this part of my process. walking this path helped me to encounter the healing segment of my journey so that ultimately i could be brought back to unificity.
here are a couple of other awesome teachers that i have stumbled across over the past few days while exploring the comprehension of myself as 'present awareness':
if interested check out
http://www.advaita.org/
and here is a place where you can listen to ideas that emerge from vedanta for free [imagine that!]
http://www.theeternalstate.org/
well, if you need me you know where i'll be.....
ron
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
jottings #9
the day spent away from pittsburgh yesterday was very soothing. i just hung around the beautiful knobs and hills of western PA. saw a movie 'get smart' and went to the meeting at mt macrina. here is a view of the surrounding area from the mt macrina retreat campus where the meetings are held:
i actually lived and here for a year back in 1999 while finishing my bm in organ and sacred music. it is kind of an urban area with a lot of historic interest, george washington and all..... lots of caves for spurlunking and rivers for white water rafting and trails for walking. gorgeous and natural and peaceful.
================
ah yes the meeting last night was very well attended and it was incredible. the palpable presence of everyone's hp is inspiring and peaceful and healing and reassuring. one of the topics that came up was on acceptance, just what i needed, since i have been working on this for the past couple of weeks.
this recovery chapter feels so unlike what i had come to understand recovery to mean for the past 23 years.
my first foray into recovery was in aa. then i got into oa, and attended a few isa [at the time it was called incest survivors anonymous], but my main interest was stopping compulsive drinking. i was willing to go to any lengths to do so, and the meetings and the slogans and the recovery culture kept me afloat. little did i know for the past 23 years, that i was in it for the wrong reasons. i was in it to make me feel good about myself; to alleviate my guilt and make myself more socially acceptable subject. little did i realize that all i was doing was an attempt to deny and erase the shadow cast on me by my early experiences with being sexually abused: first by my older bro, and when raped on 4 separate occasions while in the navy, once with a knife at my neck. i was using 'sobriety' for the wrong reasons, and so i did not achieve any significant recovery. yes i learned to let myself cry, and i worked the steps, but i was never brought to the place where i could stop blaming myself, and as a result, my whole recovery became an act of continued self-victimization.
what makes this all so surreal, is that for today, each time that i encounter words and cliches in recovery literature that used to have certain meaning and significance, i find that those understandings not longer apply. i no longer look for evidence of self-verification and affirmation in them. now i find that i am looking for real meaning: trying to allow the words to strike a chord in me that i am out of touch with. i need guidance in order to allow that to happen. and i am getting it with the group i am affiliated with. this is recovery unlike what i have experienced it to be in the past.
something in me is making me over in such a way that is not 'end gaining' oriented, but rather process oriented. my ego is not in the drivers seat this chapter. this is scary, and exciting at the same time. but the scary-ness is not rife with tension and anxiety. i think at this point, this chapter in my recovery, my life, i am finally beginning to take the first step.
i actually lived and here for a year back in 1999 while finishing my bm in organ and sacred music. it is kind of an urban area with a lot of historic interest, george washington and all..... lots of caves for spurlunking and rivers for white water rafting and trails for walking. gorgeous and natural and peaceful.
================
ah yes the meeting last night was very well attended and it was incredible. the palpable presence of everyone's hp is inspiring and peaceful and healing and reassuring. one of the topics that came up was on acceptance, just what i needed, since i have been working on this for the past couple of weeks.
this recovery chapter feels so unlike what i had come to understand recovery to mean for the past 23 years.
my first foray into recovery was in aa. then i got into oa, and attended a few isa [at the time it was called incest survivors anonymous], but my main interest was stopping compulsive drinking. i was willing to go to any lengths to do so, and the meetings and the slogans and the recovery culture kept me afloat. little did i know for the past 23 years, that i was in it for the wrong reasons. i was in it to make me feel good about myself; to alleviate my guilt and make myself more socially acceptable subject. little did i realize that all i was doing was an attempt to deny and erase the shadow cast on me by my early experiences with being sexually abused: first by my older bro, and when raped on 4 separate occasions while in the navy, once with a knife at my neck. i was using 'sobriety' for the wrong reasons, and so i did not achieve any significant recovery. yes i learned to let myself cry, and i worked the steps, but i was never brought to the place where i could stop blaming myself, and as a result, my whole recovery became an act of continued self-victimization.
what makes this all so surreal, is that for today, each time that i encounter words and cliches in recovery literature that used to have certain meaning and significance, i find that those understandings not longer apply. i no longer look for evidence of self-verification and affirmation in them. now i find that i am looking for real meaning: trying to allow the words to strike a chord in me that i am out of touch with. i need guidance in order to allow that to happen. and i am getting it with the group i am affiliated with. this is recovery unlike what i have experienced it to be in the past.
something in me is making me over in such a way that is not 'end gaining' oriented, but rather process oriented. my ego is not in the drivers seat this chapter. this is scary, and exciting at the same time. but the scary-ness is not rife with tension and anxiety. i think at this point, this chapter in my recovery, my life, i am finally beginning to take the first step.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)