Friday, August 29, 2008

finally coming 'round right'

here it is almost the end of the summer and right after labor day next week the rehearsal cycle beings at work again.

i actually got a lot accomplished this summer.

in july i produced and facilitated two seminars: one entitled 'intro to music reading' and 'discover your singing voice. they each had over 20 registered participants. they were very well received and the people are interested to do more, so i may do some group voice classes this fall if i feel up to it. but that probably will not happen, because i am going to be tied up in rehearsals 4 nights out of the week. [my morning will be wide open though, just the way i like it! none of that madcap morning rush hour for me, no siree!]

which i doubt i will. it has been nearly a year since i returned to pittsburgh after a 7 year stint working in the midwest, and another several months in the monastery discerning a vocation. since returning i have had two separate full time jobs, one in retail [never again!] and now my current work [yes, i returned to music ministry ... i just can't get away!], also helped my mom through 2 knee replacement surgery's and recuperation since last november.

the new church job started in february..... it really bites to start things in mid year; very difficult to get the momentum going, but everything worked out well, and the ranks are expanding this fall, quite nicely.

in addition, this summer, i joined my son xian's band, started dating again, started karate, joined the local gay men's chorus and the local metropolitan community church and began to create a life that suits me, and have even reconnected to some friends that i lost contact with upon moving to the midwest in 2000. not too bad for a guy who turns 55 y/o in a couple of weeks.

this is the first year that i am starting the rehearsal cycle without my job being the most important thing in my life. i think the most important thing that happened in the lazy ease-filled summer daze was that i had time to gain perspective on what is important. i had time to transition from a 'purpose driven life' to one that is lived more in the moment.

i know i could not have had that before now. and i have to say, it is scary to be living without striving to catch that carrot on the end of the stick. in prior years, that had been my dynamic focus till now. now i have no expectations. i have no need to prove my worth. my eyes open in the morning, and i say to myself 'well i guess i get another shot at it....this could be my last one, i had better do it justice'.

who said life was over after 40?

keep on keepin' on........
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Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Sexual assault stats from FBI

1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys will be sexually abused before they turn 16. (FBI, 1990) Source: Center for the Prevention Sexual and Domestic Violence, http://www.cpsdv.org/

are you one of them?

Friday, August 15, 2008

bridges

i have been in this transitional period for a long time now, where i kinda feel as if i am somewhere between definite and delusional.

part of me wonders if it is just a combination of the sexual abuse and having a gay orientation, but recently, i have been realizing that there has always been a disconnect between me and the worlds that i live in.

i just came in from the front porch and was hypnotized by the beautiful gentle rainfall. i was thinking about my life [i live with my sister and her husband; their two daughters are grown and one is in the navy and the other is getting ready to go back for her junior year in college], and what i was thinking about in particular was the sense that even tho i am loved by my sister and her family, i am acutely aware the feeling that i have of always being on the outside looking in.

it was like that in my family after i disclosed the abuse. it has always been like that in my career as a gay catholic church musician.

i am deeply longing to feel psychically connected to some puropse beyond myself, such as the second person in a partnership, or a community where i do not have to hid 90% of who i really am.

i keep looking high and low for the missing link, and i think that is it. i do remember when i was quite young, feeling that sense of connection and repose in the family system. but since the abuse i have found no place to call home, and that has been reflected in my own inner wanderlust. throughout my life, i have had to compartmentalize and portion myself out in increments and only as it related to the set of circumstances of a particular moment.

i wonder if 'straight' people feel that disenfranchisement within themselves? i am sure they do to some degree, we all have to on some level; i just goes with being human. but how many have to conceal their very essence? no this culture is built around the assumption of hetero orientation, and the rest be damned who don't subscribe to that mindset.

i am glad that i have been taking steps to make connections to others recently.

i have started dating, and i plan to join the local gay men's chorus this year. i still have to close off parts of myself in my work persona, but if a job opportunity would come my way that would relinquish me from the career i have tried to leave so many times before, but feel compelled to remain in, well i would surely take it.

the silver lining in this dark cloud is that at least once i join the chorus and keep on dating, then at least a greater percentage of my life will be 'connected' or linked to communities which i identify with, and that are larger than just me.

the only places i can be fully myself, are with my children, in the band, and in my head.

i think my desert wandering will find its oasis as i begin to become involved in organizations larger than me; places where i don't have to keep on apoligizing or fearing that i will not be accepted unconditionally for who and what i am.

i am sick of just being tolerated, and having to just keep quiet about everything. i am tired of this big invisible hand covering up my mouth.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Tired of feeling Separate and Unlinked

dan's post on struggling triggered me a bit [in a good way i guess] to ponder a few things about my life.


i have been in this transitional period for a long time now, where i kinda feel as if i am somewhere between definite and delusional.

part of me wonders if it is just a combination of the sexual abuse and having a gay orientation, but recently, i have been realizing that there has always been a disconnect between me and the worlds that i live in.

i just came in from the front porch and was hypnotized by the beautiful gentle rainfall. i was thinking about my life [i live with my sister and her husband; their two daughters are grown and one is in the navy and the other is getting ready to go back for her junior year in college], and what i was thinking about in particular was the sense that even tho i am loved by my sister and her family, i am acutely aware the feeling that i have of always being on the outside looking in.

it was like that in my family after i disclosed the abuse. it has always been like that in my career as a gay catholic church musician.

i am deeply longing to feel psychically connected to some puropse beyond myself, such as the second person in a partnership, or a community where i do not have to hid 90% of who i really am.

i keep looking high and low for the missing link, and i think that is it. i do remember when i was quite young, feeling that sense of connection and repose in the family system. but since the abuse i have found no place to call home, and that has been reflected in my own inner wanderlust. throughout my life, i have had to compartmentalize and portion myself out in increments and only as it related to the set of circumstances of a particular moment.

i wonder if 'straight' people feel that disenfranchisement within themselves? i am sure they do to some degree, we all have to on some level; i just goes with being human. but how many have to conceal their very essence? no this culture is built around the assumption of hetero orientation, and the rest be damned who don't subscribe to that mindset.

i am glad that i have been taking steps to make connections to others recently.

i have started dating, and i plan to join the local gay men's chorus this year. i still have to close off parts of myself in my work persona, but if a job opportunity would come my way that would relinquish me from the career i have tried to leave so many times before, but feel compelled to remain in, well i would surely take it.

the silver lining in this dark cloud is that at least once i join the chorus and keep on dating, then at least a greater percentage of my life will be 'connected' or linked to communities which i identify with, and that are larger than just me.

the only places i can be fully myself, are with my children, in the band, and in my head.

i think my desert wandering will find its oasis as i begin to become involved in organizations larger than me; places where i don't have to keep on apoligizing or fearing that i will not be accepted unconditionally for who and what i am.

i am sick of just being tolerated, and having to just keep quiet about everything. i am tired of this big invisible hand covering up my mouth.

Monday, August 11, 2008

stalled in a moment of time

tinman, i can relate to the sense of feeling stalled.

this is the greatest challenge i face at this point of my life. i feel that in retrospect, i have reached the close of a long journey that began as an ascent up to the apex of a grand mountain, and ended in a return to its summit: a metaphor for my life, up to this moment. the journey traversed the linked moments of time, ordinal, and measured.

after having realized this dream, i now find that i am in search of a new ethos in my life, and one that does not include, nor will it allow, escape into the polarizing activity of obsessive compulsive behavior, of food, tv, sex, drinking and all the rest; circular behaviors that keep me spinning like a top in space and time.

the gears are down shifting in my life now; actually my entire life force is in park postion. in contrast to that previous chapter, my life now is to be an advent. a period of waiting. its lesson will balance out the over-arching trajectory of its previous chapter. my new challenge in this chapter is to traverse a desert wilderness. much less exciting than the busy, activity driven, anxiety filled moments of the mountain challenge.

in this chapter i will become ron, the human being, here, now, present, shedding the driven nature of ron, the human doing, striving for happiness and completion in some future arrival.

i am still waiting...........

and as i wait, i do so, captive to the polarizing tension that holds me present between the sense of being at the ready point for beginning a significant relationship with another person who is also at the ready to begin a significant relationship, and having to deal with the fact that we have not yet been brought into each other's life at this point in time.

but looking closely, i am able to admit that, in fact, i do already have such a relationship in my life, and it is the one i have with myself. that is most likely the most significant relationship that i can ever have with a living person. all other relationships will be extensions of that one, and if they do not contain the seed for such potential, then perhaps they are simply better left untried. at this point of my life, i do not have time nor the energy to carry the baggage of long term mistakes.

so i continue to wait. but not to hope, because hope seeks to induce a product in some future moment. to conjure up a happening that will be as contrived as a strategy designed to declare a victory that will be realized in some future now.

so for today, i don't try to make things happen. i just try to notice what is attempting to arise out of the angst and the pathos inherent in the tension of resisting the tendency to act for the sake of acting.

today i am seeking to incorporate new patterns of thought and behavior that were prior to any fabricated wants or desires.

i am still waiting for the information to be revealed. and as i wait, i try to allow myself to be a vessel for containing the emptiness, fully charged with the joy of anticipation and resting in the assurance that things are unfolding as they are intended.

Saturday, August 9, 2008

Forgiveness and Synthesis and Confluence

this post is a follow up from one i had made earlier today called power, control and synthesis

anyway, i wanted to express some thoughts that were connected to those expressed in that subject in terms of the aspects of transference/projection as they are related to the idea of forgiveness.

what i learned from my own experience stated in the thread, how i released a rant against a person who i had begrudged for about 3 years based my own projections onto him who also happened to be my employer, of what a self-centered and deceitful person i perceived him to be. i saw him in many respects as an 'abuser' type figure, and the reason for that being because of the fact that he held the power to inhibit my own self-determination, such as my abusers did, be they sexual, spiritual, emotional, intellectual or psychic.

what i realized is that the inability to forgive, has been tied up with degree in which i had transfered and projected my own undesirable character attributes onto others. in characterizing others in such and such a manner, i realized the connection to my own anger at having my own freedom [ie. power] to self-determine limited by the actions or decisions of others in situations where the balance of power was out of whack.

because of this, usually my anger at them led me to develop frozen badittudes about them, which cast them in thought memory prison from which i could not release them, until i came to the understanding that they were for all intents and purposess proxy models of my abusers.

in this process, i came to understand that prior to my abuse, i had no recollection of having the need to forgive anyone for anything. that was because there was no connection to them in the sense that they took something from me that was not theirs to take, ie, once again, my own power to self-determine.

in fact, prior to the abuse, i do not even have any memories recalling seeing myself as an 'i' who identified with self-ownership, someone with an i-thou relationship with life. i was very well situated and satisfied in my unperceived role as a mere thread in the giant fabric of my life. so the abuse in my early life groomed me for panic as my normal modus operandi, such that any situation where i would sense that i, as a self contained entity, would be in danger of having my safety breached. because of that, i built fortresses around myself, so that i could be prepared in the event of future attack. these walls not only kept me safe within, but they also kept me separate from the world of possibility and potential that lay beyond their brick and mortar.

and this is the crime of forgiveness; that in unforgiving, we imprison ourselves, lock ourselves into a mindset that rules out the possiblity of expansive freedom of expression, a 'sin' against the spirit of growth. when we do not forgive, we not only lock ourselves in, but we lock others out. the separations themselves are a 'sin' against the essential life force tendency to synthesize all points of view from separateness into unity and confluence.

lack of forgiveness locks us into a state of separation from which we cannot escape.

yes, religion and other forms of spirituality create mandates against an unforgiving attitude, but none of them have explained how we became unforgiving in the first place, or how to get out of the unforgiving attitudes we thunk ourselves into. they merely judge the act of unforgiveness, and the state of being unforgiving. and of course we have inherited the 'mea culpa' mentality which does not serve well the principles underpinning the rules that attempt to reinforce it.

level one forgiveness, is a purely human attempt at merely going thru the motions of forgiveness, mostly out of fear of the moral retribution according to one's adoption of a prescribed personal/cultural moral code. saying i forgive, and truly forgiving are not the same; mere intentionality will neither lead me, nor those i hold captive to true freedom.

level two forgiveness stands outside of a moral mandate, and its effects can be evidenced by the manifestation of the whole physical realm in all of its diversity. how could such diversity co-exist in time and place in perfect balance, without that balance between tolerance, agreement, acceptance, being reflected on deeply subconscious and abstract levels, expressing confluence therein?

level three forgiveness, will arise as it purports, to the extent we share in its work synthesizing all disagreement into a new paradigm of cooperation. but that can only happen to the degree that we allow new levels of 'love' to permeate us and our lives and the lives of others.

with my newer understanding, i can truly let go of all persons, places and things i held captive in the past.

now my new challenge is to learn to live with the daunting responsibility that is now mine, to live as i have never been able to live before when my life task was primarily as warden for all my hostages.

Power, Control and Synthesis

lately i have been noticing at the self-center that dots are being connected and parallels are being drawn around these issues.

my head is finally connecting to my heart particularly around the issue of control in my life, how the power of control has dominated my life, and how the dynamic energy of my emotions seem to factor into the dance that happens when these two collide.

the light bulb moment occurred for me the other after having written in my blog about a past experience of someone who had the power to control my destiny, a former employer. after i puked out my wrath into the blog i stood back from it and realized that all the nasty comments i made about how he was driven in all of his action and behaviors by the need to bolster his self image, and how he would go to any lengths to do so, it dawned on me that that in fact was how i lived my own life, and knew at that moment, that i was truly talking about myself. i had been aware for a long time that i was image driven, but reading someone else thru the same filter, i had to stop and say to myself: well, how exactly have you arrived at this determination? did you further investigate these claims you are making, or are you in fact just juding him using the senate in your own head to draw the same conclusions? ouch! while, i may have been correct about his motivation, after all, what struck me as most important is that tendency to justify my own bitterness by projecting my own motivations onto him.

as it turned out, i went back and erased that blog entry the next day, out of a sense that the whole thing was just unfounded. what i recognized in this whole process is that what i was really pissed about was the fact that this man had power over me to make determinations about me, and to make decisions that could determine the course of my tomorrow. i mean, after all, there are a whloe lot of eggheads in the world, but they have no relation to me as far as they have no power to impact or limit my capacity for self-determination. and i have no opinions whatsoever about them or their proclivities.

do you see the connection between that and sexual abuse? it started to become very clear to me. memories of moments past where i felt threatened that my power would be taken from me, where i feared my own potential would be threatened or derailed, i reacted in the same way, bitter, vengeful, angry, and with tendency to flight, rather than fight. isolation makes so much more sense to me now.

the other issue that colluded with this one helping surrey me down the path toward greater understanding and enlightenment of this particular issue in my life, was the recent dating experience that i had.

i met a person thru match.com. after exchanging a few emails and speaking with him on the phone a few times, we met on wednesday for a light dinner. after that we went across the street to enjoy a couple of libations while talking about the past, and just stuff in general, nothing really specific.

i felt him to be a very easy person to talk with, and noticed that i was hyper aware of any red flag statements that might creep out as blatent or unguarded 'oops-es', but the only thing that i noticed was tendency to just keep the conversation flowing. there were no heavy topics discussed, no religion, no politics, just alot of 'stuff', and it was mostly about him.

i did enjoy the company, and i genuinely liked him as a person. he did not use off colored language in the course of normal conversation, did not speak ill of others. when it was over, we walked to my car and i then drove him to his. when he got out he asked if he could kiss me, and i thought ok, no problem, i would welcome that and even enjoy a nice good evening kiss [it had only been 4 years since i last kissed anyone]. but i was really shocked when he went in for something that was a bit more passionate than i thought was appropriate for the occasion. so what did i do?

nothing.

i just let it occur, and did nothing to either encourage nor discourage it, but my lack of enthusiastic participation certainly did not prolong it.

i was a bit chagrined to say the least, and while i did not think it was necessarily a 'deal breaker', it did make me wonder if he was in the same 'moment' that i was. from what i have learned in the past about moments like these, is that they are indeed the ones that determine our future. i say this because the past two relationships that i got into in the 90's lasted 5 years each, but they were essentially built on a moment such as this, where after spending only a little bit of time together, a decision was made to build a life on a such a kiss.

now i have no experience with confrontation, but i have leared to confront once i have withdrawn, and then later established a position of power from which to reengage. and i was making myself ready to bring up the issue in subsequent opportunities.

so my guy sends me a text that evening thanking me. the next morning on his way to work he calls me. i don't pick up. i later text him back. he calls me again later that afternoon, but i can't pick it up because i am work and in the middle of a conversation. so later i call him back, and he does not answer. i got home from work and then as i am going to bed for the night at 11pm the phone rings; i don't answer. 5 minutes later the phone rings again. i don't answer. the next morning i listen to the messages, and they are both him, and he sounds a bit tipsy.

i am starting to feel creeped out. he calls me on the way to work and i answer this time, and he asks me if i want to come over his house and watch the opening of the olympics. i say i am not sure at this point if i will be free or not. [ i did not go, but i emailed him to let him know that i would be preoccupied with a few other things that evening]

can you see my point? i am willing to build intimacy and trust with another person, but this seems too much too soon. i know i need to say that to him and i will, but i wanted to write about it in relation to my control issues, and the frustration and fear that overwhelms me at times when i feel that my space is being invaded.

i am just happy to report that i notice it and that i noctice the similarities to these issues as they have arisen in the past, no matter who the cast of characters have been at any given time over the years of my life.

what is most important about this realization is that i no longer have to let my fear of being overpowered determine my course of action from moment to moment. i can make the connections necessary for understanding my options, and reassure myself that this situation is not the situations where i was sexually abused by my brother, raped at knife point by a stranger, bullied by stressed out parents.

it feels very good to have gained understanding of things which had previously kept me chained to involuntary knee-jerk reactions that would only serve to limit the freedom to unfold as i was intended.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

jottings #13

stuff is happening.

thing #1 is, that, after enduring 2 knee replacements since november, my 79 yo mother, just this morning, left her life and home in pittsburgh, to go and live with my brother and his family in sand diego. this is a tough transition, especially because of the longstanding undercurrent of tension that existed over the years after my disclosing my deceased brother's serial sexual abuse of 4 of the 8 of my brothers and sisters.

thing #2 is that she is leaving after our yearly family reunion was held on sunday afternoon. we have been doing this same family reunion in the same grove at the local park for a coupla decades, and it involved my family [which started out as 10] and my dad's only brother's family, my uncle and their 5 kids. we were just starting our own families at the time. since then i have seen so much dying in my family, and yet, so much new life. all the patriarchs are gone now, and we have taken their place. each year we would hold it, and everyone would try to make it home for the event. i went through a period where i could not be with my family for a few years due to extenuating circumstances, so this is the first one i was able to attend for about 6 years. everyone has gotten so old.

as i left the picnic, i went home and realized how ashamed i was deep down inside about who my family was. i am not sure why i had felt that way. i think i always wanted to be 'better' than who we are. i was always ashamed of our poverty, our lack of culture. i don't know where or at what moment in my life when those values became a factor in my own evaluation system. after allowing myself to admit this, i then had a good cry and realized how much i loved my family and extended family, warts and all. but i am still stuck at seeing how or why i would judge them so unworthily.

was it just because of a personality proclivity to be judgemental? or was it perhaps a way i could rationalize my anger for what happened to me as a result of being 'of it'. was my judging it was just a rationale for separating myself from it in reaction to the abuse that i endured as a member of it? a big part of me wants to throw myself into this group of people that i disenfranchised myself from, immersing myself in them, as i am of them, at least biologically through blood lines.

there is so much beneath the surface here, and i am feeling a bit overwhelmed at my own reaction to the feelings that have washed over me in the intersecting planes of these two recent events.

thing #3: after andy [come back!] posted a thread about on-line dating i thought i would give it a try, and went to match.com to throw my hat into the ring. see what it would be like just to meet others for interesting conversation, share a meal. the first person to contact me was a real card. we ended up exchanging a couple emails til he commented, in response to my reporting that my sex drive was in park these days, that i just needed a good lay. wtf? how dare you be so disrespectful? what is it with gay men and sex? i am really not trying to stereotype all gay men here. i can only comment on those who hold themselves up for public view in chatrooms and dating websites. i mean, most want to date some 15 years younger than they are, but are not willing to date anyone over their own age. that's real depth! then they have photos of themselves nude from the waist up, as if they were taking their own picture during a webcam session. HELP!!!!!!!
another guy emailed me, and we are going to get together for coffee/tea/not me on wednesday. we talked on the phone a bit today. he seems nice, and more than likely is nice, but he loves to talk about himself. i don't know that it will be a good connection, but i am keeping an open mind. no, really, i am.

so there it is, what's been triggering below the surface over the past couple of days, stirring up the mud. i'm trying not to identify too much with the thoughts that are arising with the emotions. just trying to acknowledge them, then the next job will be to sort them out! jeez, it never ends.
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