Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Trust Issues

i am brutally honest with myself, which has its good points and its not so good points.

brutal honesty cases me to have too high expectations for both myself and others, which causes me to keep arms length away from them. i have no problem feeling compassion and empathy for others who are suffering, but when i see them living in a state of denial, lying to themselves and others with whom they 'should' be forthright, i avoid intimacy because, frankly, i don't see the point of investing time in a relationship that for all intents and purposes is going to remain shallow.

i avoid sticking my neck out when i don't see any tangible rewards for getting involved. the result of anything i invest in has got to be concrete and in my mind worthwhile.

and today, seeing that, i feel diminished for confessing my vulnerability.

is this 'selfish' stupid, or wise? come to think of it, this type of behavior could be a 'whistling in the dark' kind of isolation. i am involved in my spiritual community, and that is the only place where i take risks. they are the only people that i feel comfortable testing my own boundaries, and that i think is primarily because they are the only people who have shown them selves not to judge me on some level, whether morally, physically, spiritually, etc.

these people are very good people, they'd never hurt a fly, and some of them are incredibly broken people; dying from aids, mental health challenged, depressed. they are the marginalized, the cast-off from the larger social network, but they are so alive in the beauty of such an affirming community. they smile and they laugh, and they hug and they love. their life is a dance.

why is it so easy to love from a position of power? why is it so difficult to love from a position of vulnerability?

is it because my brain never got that lesson in my family of origin? is it because all the people who had ever been in power over me never loved me, but only wanted to rule me, and therefore reactively i vowed myself to construct myself in such a way as to be the mirror opposite of them? i spent so much of my life constructing it in counterpoint to many of the earlier shaping factor of my life.

i feel that my doing so is disingenuous, and that this induced character trait is not pure, and therefore is a lie.

see what i mean, i just did it again.

oh, the onion of self........does it ever get smaller????

i,i,i,i,i,...... i need a break from my 'i',


appendix: the disappointing liars in my life:

+ my mother, who had an affair with her boss when i was in the throes of a sexually abusive relationship with my older brother
+ the ex-partners who rejected me after i poured my heart and soul out to them in disclosure, naively hoping they would not hold it against me, which they did
+ my older brother [same one] who eventually rejected our relationship after deciding that 'it was all just kids playin around'

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