Prologue:
it took a week to write this journal entry which started as an assignment that kay had given me. here it is, in is meandering, disjunct form.
======
final thoughts on my emotionally disabled family and their inability to cope with 'me':
i've been facing and dealing with kay the long term impact the incest had on me in particular, and relationships in general. i'm sure i'll have more to say about the relationships part at a later date, but for today kay asked me to journal on the topic as it is relative to my systemic family.
we talked the other day for the entire hour about how the family's denial and avoidance has led to the fact that by their refusal all these years to enter discussion about the abuse and the collateral damage inflicted by it, they have missed out on the opportunity to come to know a truly incredible and unique person.
i am the product of an incestuous family, which spawned a child who in his emerging adolescence came to serially abuse no less than 4 of his 7 other younger siblings. a family that preached adherence to puritanical values, yet practiced something quite different. it was a family that controlled its subjects using fear and violence. it used shame guilt and ridicule. then in order to ensure its protection after those devices would no longer work to keep them in line, it resorted to denial and avoidance to escape the judgment of complicity.
....to be continued..... too painful to go on at the moment.....
[back again 3 days later; i am much calmer now, and the soul burn dredged up by thinking about this has subsided.]
it is a bit confusing but i am finding myself stuck on how to proceed in my writing about this. and as i ponder which direction to take, i begin to realize how difficult it is to write about what it is exactly that was lost.
perhaps one thing that would be considered is their loss of the opportunity for personal enrichment. by keeping me at bey all these years emotionally, they failed to increase their capacity for love and compassion. in doing so they chose to remain locked up in the prison of their own dark fears and shame. it is unfortunate, that we missed the opportunity to expand our capacity for love. the family unit is the primary school for learning how to love, support, encourage; to nurture and to build bridges from heart to heart, soul to soul; if that lesson is not learned in the smaller paradigm of the family, then it cannot be translated into the larger paradigm of society. such families remain a closed system, unable to be affected by any air outside their own cloistered walls.
i was born the second son of a family of 8 children: 6 boys and 2 girls. my older brother was the 'special' one [my mothers words] and i was what happened on the way to my parents 'trying for' a girl. it was somewhat of a disappointment when i was born, but my sister was born one year after me, and she was doted upon, while i was more or less left to my own devices, without the benefit of having my basic needs met for love, nurture and affirmation. all the focus was on the special one and the long awaited girl. eventually, year after year, over a period of 10 years, the remaining 8 siblings were born. eventually, the stress of managing a household of 8 children, many 1 year apart, became too great, and the resulting stress was released in the form of physical acts of violence against us, in order to control our 'behavior' and to keep us in our places by fear and constant threats of violence if we did not conform and comply.
[final part, written monday 9-28-09]
i'm coming to the end of a long and winding road, and this post will be one of the last that i make decrying the emotionally disabled state of my family system. after much introspection, i have decided to walk away from my addiction to commenting on their negative influence on my life. i have decided to move on now, with a deeper understanding. my intention is not to 'write them off' so to speak, but rather to write off my old prescription for coping with the pain.
the glass that was once half empty, is now officially half full. when i do write about my family, it will be merely to report on the impact of being related to an emotionally disabled family [thanks an, for that terminology]. at this crossroads i finally understand how i got to be who i am, because of where i came from. and now, empowered with this knowledge, i take full responsibility for any of the future choices i make in my life.
i left my family at age 18, joined the navy, and never looked back. i did not turn into a pillar of salt as they did. frozen and impotent, unable to become leaven for a world and its people. i went on to dream dreams and to pursue them, and to realize them. but yet, i thought i was still part of them, though i did not realize that we, unceremoniously, we had parted ways.
my family's focus was on having children, and not for the purpose of generating new seeds of fruit for the enrichment of the world, but merely to satisfy its own shallow purpose. am i presuming there should have been more to it than that? i answer that question with a yes. looking at life all around me, i see this marvelous intercourse transpiring on every level. it is what life is all about. the mathematics of creativity in the social discourse, the intermingling of hearts, souls and minds in processes of addition, multiplication and division. but that did not happen in my family. my family is too closed in on itself for outreach. it was like a root trapped by a rock, refusing its deeper reaching.
and so, while i decided to set my sites higher, their basic survival tactic remained simply to meet requirements necessary for sustaining their protective shell from scrutiny by the outside world. i needed more and i wanted more. a family is supposed to be a womb which forms its members within its sphere of influence, nurturing the growth by maintaining its own state of health during the gestation period, and ultimately birthing to the world a new being capable of enriching it.
however, in the stultifying tomb of my repressive family, i was reduced to a one dimensional character in their life. in the family tomb of existence, there was no joy expressed, no individuality tolerated, no deviation from the family ethical mindset. neither extraneous nor implicit interferences would be tolerated.
what was lost for me in this experience is evident in all i have written over these years, in terms of what they have taken from me.
but what was lost for them was the experience of coming to know and be touched by my warmth, my faith and spirituality, the experience of my compassion and empathy, my joy, my peace, my wisdom, and my humour.
but ultimately, everything that they failed to recognize as good and worthy in me, is their loss. in all the excluding, marginalizing and avoiding me, they lost the opportunity to experience all those wonderful characteristics mentioned in the previous paragraph.
but, for today, i reclaim the life i was meant to have upon entering this mortal coil. i claim it as my gift to the world, and for those that refuse it, well, all i can say, and without judgment and without rancor, and without self-pity: 'it's their loss'.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Fitting In
i do have a lot to say about this subject of 'trying to fit in', and you may be sorry that you asked. i have actually spoken about it in a couple of places on this discussion board.
i have a couple of different theories about why this is.
first of all, it seems that there is an issue within you that is longing to be addressed; a need for resonance, consolation and emotional support. we all need that, that's why we're here.
but this need, while indeed universal, will not be met for each of us in the same way. why? because we are complex human beings who, because of our wiring, are very biased and therefore limited in the ways that solutions may impact us. we hear only what reinforces something we already believe, much in the same way that we see only that which we already recognize as apparent forms already existing within ourselves.
the 'fitting in' difficulty comes because of the scripts that are installed in early development periods that become more or less blueprints from how we continue to seek out relations though our lifespan.
for many of us who are survivors, and particularly in cases where we have not had success in resolving the issues that grow out the original lousy blueprint models, there is a tendency to become more isolated as time goes on, simply because those blueprints are not effective as plans for engaging and intersecting with others.
when i think of what i means 'to fit in' i have to also think about it in two directions: one, what are my presumed expectations for fitting in, and two, what are the conditions for that to take place.
considering point one, what do i expect to get out of being able to see myself as 'one who is fitting in'. how will i know i am in fact fitting in at all? i think the answer to that is simply, when i feel a sense of fulfillment, a sense that i am a viable factor contributing to the healthy function of some 'machine' greater than myself, when my sense of purpose is being fulfilled by my involvement in relationship to and with something, then i am comfortably fitting in. i am 'home'.
regarding point two, what are the conditions for fitting in to take place? diarmuid o'murchu states in 'quantum theology' that the attraction and interaction that characterizes many relational modes suggest that all relationships happen within a system or network of influences. what i interpret that to mean is that in order for me to find others to qualify as relational partners for satisfying the need to fit in, i must seek them within my own fields of interest.
the fields of influence are like electromagnetic fields that serve to attract and organize wave particles into certain realms of belonging. and if that is true on the physical plane, it must be true on the invisible mental and emotional plane as well. talents, ideas, emotional schemas, are all made of energy, and they are all residing in their own realm of influence, gravitating magnetically in a sense toward similar forces.
in order to build relationships, there must be some type of relationship with the object or person i am attempting to navigate towards. shared interests such as hobbies, ideals, etc are fields that have the power to attract people to each other. people's bonding galvanizes to the extent that these explicit characteristics emerge from and resonate with similar implicit values existing in both subjects involved.
using survivors as an example [no one in particular], person one [me] is single male homosexual formerly married with grown children, abides by a less is more mentality, has always lived and thought 'outside the box' of traditional heterosexual values, is open minded about some things most others find taboo, will find it challenging to find resonance and deep friendship with others who are repelled by such character.
person two identifies as heterosexual, is married, struggles with homosexual feelings, is a business professional who has not disclosed to anyone outside their recovery circle, is highly invested in self-image, and fears the loss of everything should they be 'discovered', out of self protection, would most likely avoid seeking deep relationships with others who would not resonate or intersect with their sphere of influence, and who may expose them to a vulnerable state.
so you can see there is nothing wrong with 'you'. there are many factors that rule you out as potential 'fitting in' material. what needs to happen is that a plan needs to be devised for establishing yourself in relationship to/with some/thing/one.
but in order for these relationships to bond and blossom, they must be approached with a clear understanding of the motivating causes for seeking them out in the first place. speaking of my own circumstances, because my early bonding needs were left unmet in the formative years, i was stuck there until i learned how to get the needs met from other sources. i was so starved for love all my life because i didn't get it from my primary nurturers, that i looked for it in all the wrong places. in doing so, i wanted to believe so desparately that is was fitting in, but soon enough, i realized i was just using all those things as replacements in an attempt to fill that deep void.
so last year, when i had that realization, i started on a quest to begin to resolve that need once and for all. that was when i joined the mcc church and began to develop a bond with an entire community of people. i realized that if i went there looking for romance, that my fixation would not be addressed and healed, but only sated, and that eventually, i would be left where i started, still hungry for love, and looking to have it fed, rather than healed. so i decided to focus on and explore the root causes.
remarkably, over the year + that i have been involved with the community, though participating in worship, social activities, helping with the food bank and fundraisers, that hole has been filled, and i no longer feel the need to 'fit in', but rather, that in fcat, I DO 'fit in'!
that settled, i am finally able to move on, and now my next 'thing' is to try to cultivate personal relationships and find ways to 'fit in' to friendships, but those too must be approached as stated above, by finding others who share fields of interest, and in that way expand my horizons of belonging.
i realize that since i have found a place where 'like' feels at home with 'like' there is so much potential for more growth. i no longer need to be over focused on my onw brokenness, since i have experienced mendedness. being validated and appreciated has helped me learn to care more about others, and has opened me up to ask how can i help them to better feel the safety of 'fitting in'.
i have a couple of different theories about why this is.
first of all, it seems that there is an issue within you that is longing to be addressed; a need for resonance, consolation and emotional support. we all need that, that's why we're here.
but this need, while indeed universal, will not be met for each of us in the same way. why? because we are complex human beings who, because of our wiring, are very biased and therefore limited in the ways that solutions may impact us. we hear only what reinforces something we already believe, much in the same way that we see only that which we already recognize as apparent forms already existing within ourselves.
the 'fitting in' difficulty comes because of the scripts that are installed in early development periods that become more or less blueprints from how we continue to seek out relations though our lifespan.
for many of us who are survivors, and particularly in cases where we have not had success in resolving the issues that grow out the original lousy blueprint models, there is a tendency to become more isolated as time goes on, simply because those blueprints are not effective as plans for engaging and intersecting with others.
when i think of what i means 'to fit in' i have to also think about it in two directions: one, what are my presumed expectations for fitting in, and two, what are the conditions for that to take place.
considering point one, what do i expect to get out of being able to see myself as 'one who is fitting in'. how will i know i am in fact fitting in at all? i think the answer to that is simply, when i feel a sense of fulfillment, a sense that i am a viable factor contributing to the healthy function of some 'machine' greater than myself, when my sense of purpose is being fulfilled by my involvement in relationship to and with something, then i am comfortably fitting in. i am 'home'.
regarding point two, what are the conditions for fitting in to take place? diarmuid o'murchu states in 'quantum theology' that the attraction and interaction that characterizes many relational modes suggest that all relationships happen within a system or network of influences. what i interpret that to mean is that in order for me to find others to qualify as relational partners for satisfying the need to fit in, i must seek them within my own fields of interest.
the fields of influence are like electromagnetic fields that serve to attract and organize wave particles into certain realms of belonging. and if that is true on the physical plane, it must be true on the invisible mental and emotional plane as well. talents, ideas, emotional schemas, are all made of energy, and they are all residing in their own realm of influence, gravitating magnetically in a sense toward similar forces.
in order to build relationships, there must be some type of relationship with the object or person i am attempting to navigate towards. shared interests such as hobbies, ideals, etc are fields that have the power to attract people to each other. people's bonding galvanizes to the extent that these explicit characteristics emerge from and resonate with similar implicit values existing in both subjects involved.
using survivors as an example [no one in particular], person one [me] is single male homosexual formerly married with grown children, abides by a less is more mentality, has always lived and thought 'outside the box' of traditional heterosexual values, is open minded about some things most others find taboo, will find it challenging to find resonance and deep friendship with others who are repelled by such character.
person two identifies as heterosexual, is married, struggles with homosexual feelings, is a business professional who has not disclosed to anyone outside their recovery circle, is highly invested in self-image, and fears the loss of everything should they be 'discovered', out of self protection, would most likely avoid seeking deep relationships with others who would not resonate or intersect with their sphere of influence, and who may expose them to a vulnerable state.
so you can see there is nothing wrong with 'you'. there are many factors that rule you out as potential 'fitting in' material. what needs to happen is that a plan needs to be devised for establishing yourself in relationship to/with some/thing/one.
but in order for these relationships to bond and blossom, they must be approached with a clear understanding of the motivating causes for seeking them out in the first place. speaking of my own circumstances, because my early bonding needs were left unmet in the formative years, i was stuck there until i learned how to get the needs met from other sources. i was so starved for love all my life because i didn't get it from my primary nurturers, that i looked for it in all the wrong places. in doing so, i wanted to believe so desparately that is was fitting in, but soon enough, i realized i was just using all those things as replacements in an attempt to fill that deep void.
so last year, when i had that realization, i started on a quest to begin to resolve that need once and for all. that was when i joined the mcc church and began to develop a bond with an entire community of people. i realized that if i went there looking for romance, that my fixation would not be addressed and healed, but only sated, and that eventually, i would be left where i started, still hungry for love, and looking to have it fed, rather than healed. so i decided to focus on and explore the root causes.
remarkably, over the year + that i have been involved with the community, though participating in worship, social activities, helping with the food bank and fundraisers, that hole has been filled, and i no longer feel the need to 'fit in', but rather, that in fcat, I DO 'fit in'!
that settled, i am finally able to move on, and now my next 'thing' is to try to cultivate personal relationships and find ways to 'fit in' to friendships, but those too must be approached as stated above, by finding others who share fields of interest, and in that way expand my horizons of belonging.
i realize that since i have found a place where 'like' feels at home with 'like' there is so much potential for more growth. i no longer need to be over focused on my onw brokenness, since i have experienced mendedness. being validated and appreciated has helped me learn to care more about others, and has opened me up to ask how can i help them to better feel the safety of 'fitting in'.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
On Social Connections
justscott inspired this post, and i wanted to include it here as my commentary on the topic of social connections and how they occur and develop.
i see social connections as a matter of simple progression [clarification: my post is NOT referring to romantic relationships specifically, but rather any relationship in general, although the explanation works for both]:
inspection, affection, connection [then later defection, or rejection ]
and yes, like layers of the onion, each stage has its criteria that are satisfied before moving deeper to the next level.
inspection: you meet a person. something about one another attracts each to the other. there is a taking and a giving that occurs. an exchange of psychic currency. as you deepen communication, an assessment process is taking place that is subconscious, and it is a barter system. at some point, if someone begins to realize that their needs and expectations are not being realized, the potential electromagnetism fizzles out for one party or the other or both. lots of judgment going on at this phase. is this person trustworthy? can they serve MY purpose for this engagement? can i serve THEIR purpose for this engagement? in this phase something beyond the subjects is making the connections happen. the pair is 'us'd' by the principle of connection working beyond them both. you probably can verify this looking back on you experience with your wife and how this preliminary stage progressed. as soon as one begins to control the process by anticipating meeting the imagined the needs of another by projecting their ideal onto them, the relating loses its ground, as individual control usurps the creation of the relationship from the hands of the connection principle.
what is the 'electromagnetic' material constituting this clairvoyance drawing the individuals into this field of commonality? it may be a magnetism that emanates from their values system as a field of influence drawing one to the other. and in the initial phase of connection, there is a sorting/sifting process occurring that keeps the subjects engaged in this process that is 'us-ing' them. and the process continues until the attempt to recognize resonant values pans out or dissolves, at which point phase two is entered.
before moving on, it is important that one thing must be understood about the 'inspection' phase. and that is what the magnetizing particles are essentially, that attract people like magnets into the field of influence in the first place. are they strongly psychological, emotion, physical, or a combination of all of them? for myself, what has impeded me from deepening intimacy, is the fact that my emotional needs are so much greater than the other person's. as in the inspection phase, i tend to project an unintegrated ideal onto them, and my interests seem to attempt to color them as the answer to my needs, and this bias factors into the inspection phase, albeit subconsciously. unbeknownst to me, i begin to secretly assess determinations as to whether or not they are going to be friend worthy in the first place, and worthy of the energy investment.
my initial attachment imprinting didn't take place during the regular course of development, so my emotional needs far eclipse those of potential friends, who perhaps managed to proceed developmentally to the point where their needs rested more in the field of special interests, such as grew out of their own resources and talent DNA. in that sense, i am more like the interrupted child trying to strike up friends with adult people whose need sets are advanced to a different realm.
this needs a lot more reflection, but it is the cause that i believe, for my own lack of bonding ability. and even as i intersect with other people with whom i share similar realms such as recovery people, i find there are still too much diversity of interests and values, that impede me from connecting with them. there are so many fields of influence at play: ageism, sexuality, career, economic status, personal values system.... it is truely rare that people, especially the older they get, will make the connections that were made in earlier times of their life, when the magnetic fields of influence has far fewer factors interfering with the unification/connection process.
what i understand for today, is that if i can learn to connect in higher realms, then chances are i will meet and begin to resonate, with more frequency, others who share the magnetism of specific fields of influence. in order to make healthier connections, i needs to resolve earlier unmet emotional needs. the big problem for me: i've gotten used to being alone, and i kinda like it, and i am not sure i want the 'bother'. that is where i need to do a lot of my work.
affection: this is the next layer of the onion. since initial connections have assessed and projected a positive potential for fruitful future exchanges, then the practicum period is entered and bonds are strengthened thru the practice of shared mutual experience.
connection: it happens and is only questioned when the values specific to each individual show themselves to be at odds with the other.
defection: happens when insurmountable stumbling blocks [usually 'blockheadedness'] occurs and the synthesis of contrasting values becomes improbable, or compromise is impossible.
i see social connections as a matter of simple progression [clarification: my post is NOT referring to romantic relationships specifically, but rather any relationship in general, although the explanation works for both]:
inspection, affection, connection [then later defection, or rejection ]
and yes, like layers of the onion, each stage has its criteria that are satisfied before moving deeper to the next level.
inspection: you meet a person. something about one another attracts each to the other. there is a taking and a giving that occurs. an exchange of psychic currency. as you deepen communication, an assessment process is taking place that is subconscious, and it is a barter system. at some point, if someone begins to realize that their needs and expectations are not being realized, the potential electromagnetism fizzles out for one party or the other or both. lots of judgment going on at this phase. is this person trustworthy? can they serve MY purpose for this engagement? can i serve THEIR purpose for this engagement? in this phase something beyond the subjects is making the connections happen. the pair is 'us'd' by the principle of connection working beyond them both. you probably can verify this looking back on you experience with your wife and how this preliminary stage progressed. as soon as one begins to control the process by anticipating meeting the imagined the needs of another by projecting their ideal onto them, the relating loses its ground, as individual control usurps the creation of the relationship from the hands of the connection principle.
what is the 'electromagnetic' material constituting this clairvoyance drawing the individuals into this field of commonality? it may be a magnetism that emanates from their values system as a field of influence drawing one to the other. and in the initial phase of connection, there is a sorting/sifting process occurring that keeps the subjects engaged in this process that is 'us-ing' them. and the process continues until the attempt to recognize resonant values pans out or dissolves, at which point phase two is entered.
before moving on, it is important that one thing must be understood about the 'inspection' phase. and that is what the magnetizing particles are essentially, that attract people like magnets into the field of influence in the first place. are they strongly psychological, emotion, physical, or a combination of all of them? for myself, what has impeded me from deepening intimacy, is the fact that my emotional needs are so much greater than the other person's. as in the inspection phase, i tend to project an unintegrated ideal onto them, and my interests seem to attempt to color them as the answer to my needs, and this bias factors into the inspection phase, albeit subconsciously. unbeknownst to me, i begin to secretly assess determinations as to whether or not they are going to be friend worthy in the first place, and worthy of the energy investment.
my initial attachment imprinting didn't take place during the regular course of development, so my emotional needs far eclipse those of potential friends, who perhaps managed to proceed developmentally to the point where their needs rested more in the field of special interests, such as grew out of their own resources and talent DNA. in that sense, i am more like the interrupted child trying to strike up friends with adult people whose need sets are advanced to a different realm.
this needs a lot more reflection, but it is the cause that i believe, for my own lack of bonding ability. and even as i intersect with other people with whom i share similar realms such as recovery people, i find there are still too much diversity of interests and values, that impede me from connecting with them. there are so many fields of influence at play: ageism, sexuality, career, economic status, personal values system.... it is truely rare that people, especially the older they get, will make the connections that were made in earlier times of their life, when the magnetic fields of influence has far fewer factors interfering with the unification/connection process.
what i understand for today, is that if i can learn to connect in higher realms, then chances are i will meet and begin to resonate, with more frequency, others who share the magnetism of specific fields of influence. in order to make healthier connections, i needs to resolve earlier unmet emotional needs. the big problem for me: i've gotten used to being alone, and i kinda like it, and i am not sure i want the 'bother'. that is where i need to do a lot of my work.
affection: this is the next layer of the onion. since initial connections have assessed and projected a positive potential for fruitful future exchanges, then the practicum period is entered and bonds are strengthened thru the practice of shared mutual experience.
connection: it happens and is only questioned when the values specific to each individual show themselves to be at odds with the other.
defection: happens when insurmountable stumbling blocks [usually 'blockheadedness'] occurs and the synthesis of contrasting values becomes improbable, or compromise is impossible.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Reentering therapy
well, last week i decided to give myself a new birthday present. i made arrangements to begin a new course of therapy.
i found kay and i was absolutely thrilled with her bio. out of all the therapists in the area, hers resonated with what i needed:
since i have been doing deep delving into the issues of attachment, i have finally gotten to the core of my discomfort and unrest, my low burner anger issue. it was such a relief to see such a compassionate question. i needed that, for sure.
the worrisome issue, packed with grief for me, of course, is the inability to reconcile myself with my family's denial. i have dealt with the sexual abuse by my older brother, and even healed from the trauma of the rapes in my later teen years. but what still remains unresolved for me, is the relationship patterning that became modeled as a result of being part of my particular family system.
i have realized for a long time now, that my next hurdle to jump in recovery, is that of relationships. i'm not talking about romance, although that would be last on the list of those which would need attention. i do realize that once i fix the relationship to my primary caregivers, then i will once again begin to engage in my own developmental process, rather than being stuck in self defeating and repetitive patterns of relating.
learning how i transfer the models of the relationships patterned from within my family of origin onto my friends and others will help to dissolve the offense/defense mechanisms that have kept me safe all these years.
kay will provide the safe and compassionate sounding board for helping me recognize the obstacles to growth. i have needed emotional and psychic support for so long, i really don't know what that will feel like to finally have it.
i went to my first session this evening, and after disclosing my history, and sharing a dialogue with kay, we both feel that this relationship is happening at the right time.
i felt good coming out of the session, and something 'bad' must have been left there, because i noticed there was something different about my attitude for the rest of the evening.
i found kay and i was absolutely thrilled with her bio. out of all the therapists in the area, hers resonated with what i needed:
Quote:
“Have you been worried about the same issue for a long time or are you carrying a grief too heavy to bear?
since i have been doing deep delving into the issues of attachment, i have finally gotten to the core of my discomfort and unrest, my low burner anger issue. it was such a relief to see such a compassionate question. i needed that, for sure.
the worrisome issue, packed with grief for me, of course, is the inability to reconcile myself with my family's denial. i have dealt with the sexual abuse by my older brother, and even healed from the trauma of the rapes in my later teen years. but what still remains unresolved for me, is the relationship patterning that became modeled as a result of being part of my particular family system.
i have realized for a long time now, that my next hurdle to jump in recovery, is that of relationships. i'm not talking about romance, although that would be last on the list of those which would need attention. i do realize that once i fix the relationship to my primary caregivers, then i will once again begin to engage in my own developmental process, rather than being stuck in self defeating and repetitive patterns of relating.
learning how i transfer the models of the relationships patterned from within my family of origin onto my friends and others will help to dissolve the offense/defense mechanisms that have kept me safe all these years.
kay will provide the safe and compassionate sounding board for helping me recognize the obstacles to growth. i have needed emotional and psychic support for so long, i really don't know what that will feel like to finally have it.
i went to my first session this evening, and after disclosing my history, and sharing a dialogue with kay, we both feel that this relationship is happening at the right time.
i felt good coming out of the session, and something 'bad' must have been left there, because i noticed there was something different about my attitude for the rest of the evening.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Rebirth Pangs
i posted this in another place the other day, but i really want it to be part of my on going process journal, because in retrospect for me it helps the pieces fit together better:
it's such a struggle to maintain a natural appreciation for things that interest me. abuse ruined the natural and healthy tendency to be inquisitive about the world. it was a time of wonder, when the food of daily bread was all inside me, in my head, heart and soul.
i remember when i was much younger, i used to love to go outdoors into the woods, and play among the wildflowers, climb trees, explore new boundaries of the areas where i lived. i was kept on a short leash those days, because my parents did not want us outside for too long or to go far away, but when i was allowed out, i would go and never think about the stress of 'home'.
same thing when i started learning to play the piano in the summer prior to entering 8th grade. i would sit and play for hours on end, and get lost in the experience of enjoying music. while all my pals were outside soaking up the sun, i was busy practicing the piano. they would come to the house to ask if i could go out and hang out, but, no, i couldn't tear myself away. music was my rock, and my magical kingdom, my oasis: my food.
after my older brother introduced me to the 'pleasures' of sex sometime in the next year, i lost interest in those things, and entered an era of 'fast food'.
from that time on, everything that i did became a path to self-gratification on some level. even though drug use was not a part of our sexual relationship, i was aware that he was doing drugs, and so i sought out drugs as a way of connecting to him, to deepen the intimacy and make me feel even closer to him.
my love for him became the most powerful drug, and i did not even know it until years later. in the meantime, everything that could give me good feelings got enfolded into this larger love, and they became a metaphor for it. the need for love became my food.
when others were being exposed to new ideas and concepts in high school which were piquing their interests and inspiring and inseminating them to evolve into their full and range of capacities, i was rather hoping to meet some pot smokers who would validate me and make me feel through my body that i was worthwhile.
after high school, i would not pursue a track for developing the raw materials of my own innate resources, but rather, i would hang out in bars looking for people to love, and ways to get my affirmation through the drug subculture.
my focus got really misdirected because of the abuse. soon everything became a game of me trying to get my love jones fix. nothing else matter, but to recapture that initial powerful release of endorphines in the first orgasm, and the sense of closeness, desirability and worth i knew in that first moment with my older brother. i was deluded into thinking that that form of daily bread would be enough.
everything else in my life that followed was an attempt to recapture and retain that moment.
while others were off exploring the world and pioneering the world of their own inner resources, building bridges to those around them, building networks with others to reinforce and germinate more possibilities for creating and realizing their inner visions, a veritable smorgasboard of new and fresh possibilities, i was satisfied with just doing the next thing to get the next high satisfied, the next quick fix. a pat on the back was the only reward that i needed to get me over.
so now, as i look back over my life, i feel as if i was only pretending to live all along. i was only imitating others who were truly living.
today, i want so much to be captivated by a desire to create things from my own natural resources, but i don't seem to have the strength nor can i muster up the interest to engage in anything that does not give me immediate gratification.
food and sex....anything to create a feeling sensation. those are the types of 'food' i seek.
it's really a struggle to break out of this learned cycle of hunger for sensation...living from moment to moment trying meet and to recapture the one that i remember so clearly on that day when my brother first introduced me to the most powerful reward a human body could ever know: pleasure.
i want to be free from the power it has over me. i want to be free to meet and drink of the deeper mysteries and become a scientist in the laboratory of my soul. instead i feel like a vagabond in my own life going from garbage can to garbage can scrounging for my next food fix.
i want to find other daily bread, and i am so tired of the struggle to find it.
=================
this post was a birth pang, and in response i wrote that i have more or less approached life like the mountain stream who wends a way around rocks it meets in its path on the way down the mountain, so in reality it is not so much a post about someone who is being held captive by a past that never should have been, as much as it is showing evidence of a spring of new hope for a future life yet to blossom.
uncovering what is behind all this has been a very slow process for me, and since i made the deeper realization of how i had been 'surviving' all these years parenthetically as a victim, i have moved moved on. as the old vestiges arise, they must be confronted, acknowledged, and expelled, as i have done in this post.
so i will probably be focused on expelling the victim from my life for a long time [or maybe, not so long .... even better].
i look forward to letting go completely this victim who had no idea before recently how much he held 'me' in his sway. and i fully believe that all these years of spent walking my recovery road, with all of its peaks and valleys, has indeed been leading me in the direction of freedom and liberation from the effects of the experiences of sexual victimization and assault. geez, that sounds so biblical......just like the israelites wandering in the desert for 40 years.....my 40 years is just about up.
it's such a struggle to maintain a natural appreciation for things that interest me. abuse ruined the natural and healthy tendency to be inquisitive about the world. it was a time of wonder, when the food of daily bread was all inside me, in my head, heart and soul.
i remember when i was much younger, i used to love to go outdoors into the woods, and play among the wildflowers, climb trees, explore new boundaries of the areas where i lived. i was kept on a short leash those days, because my parents did not want us outside for too long or to go far away, but when i was allowed out, i would go and never think about the stress of 'home'.
same thing when i started learning to play the piano in the summer prior to entering 8th grade. i would sit and play for hours on end, and get lost in the experience of enjoying music. while all my pals were outside soaking up the sun, i was busy practicing the piano. they would come to the house to ask if i could go out and hang out, but, no, i couldn't tear myself away. music was my rock, and my magical kingdom, my oasis: my food.
after my older brother introduced me to the 'pleasures' of sex sometime in the next year, i lost interest in those things, and entered an era of 'fast food'.
from that time on, everything that i did became a path to self-gratification on some level. even though drug use was not a part of our sexual relationship, i was aware that he was doing drugs, and so i sought out drugs as a way of connecting to him, to deepen the intimacy and make me feel even closer to him.
my love for him became the most powerful drug, and i did not even know it until years later. in the meantime, everything that could give me good feelings got enfolded into this larger love, and they became a metaphor for it. the need for love became my food.
when others were being exposed to new ideas and concepts in high school which were piquing their interests and inspiring and inseminating them to evolve into their full and range of capacities, i was rather hoping to meet some pot smokers who would validate me and make me feel through my body that i was worthwhile.
after high school, i would not pursue a track for developing the raw materials of my own innate resources, but rather, i would hang out in bars looking for people to love, and ways to get my affirmation through the drug subculture.
my focus got really misdirected because of the abuse. soon everything became a game of me trying to get my love jones fix. nothing else matter, but to recapture that initial powerful release of endorphines in the first orgasm, and the sense of closeness, desirability and worth i knew in that first moment with my older brother. i was deluded into thinking that that form of daily bread would be enough.
everything else in my life that followed was an attempt to recapture and retain that moment.
while others were off exploring the world and pioneering the world of their own inner resources, building bridges to those around them, building networks with others to reinforce and germinate more possibilities for creating and realizing their inner visions, a veritable smorgasboard of new and fresh possibilities, i was satisfied with just doing the next thing to get the next high satisfied, the next quick fix. a pat on the back was the only reward that i needed to get me over.
so now, as i look back over my life, i feel as if i was only pretending to live all along. i was only imitating others who were truly living.
today, i want so much to be captivated by a desire to create things from my own natural resources, but i don't seem to have the strength nor can i muster up the interest to engage in anything that does not give me immediate gratification.
food and sex....anything to create a feeling sensation. those are the types of 'food' i seek.
it's really a struggle to break out of this learned cycle of hunger for sensation...living from moment to moment trying meet and to recapture the one that i remember so clearly on that day when my brother first introduced me to the most powerful reward a human body could ever know: pleasure.
i want to be free from the power it has over me. i want to be free to meet and drink of the deeper mysteries and become a scientist in the laboratory of my soul. instead i feel like a vagabond in my own life going from garbage can to garbage can scrounging for my next food fix.
i want to find other daily bread, and i am so tired of the struggle to find it.
=================
this post was a birth pang, and in response i wrote that i have more or less approached life like the mountain stream who wends a way around rocks it meets in its path on the way down the mountain, so in reality it is not so much a post about someone who is being held captive by a past that never should have been, as much as it is showing evidence of a spring of new hope for a future life yet to blossom.
uncovering what is behind all this has been a very slow process for me, and since i made the deeper realization of how i had been 'surviving' all these years parenthetically as a victim, i have moved moved on. as the old vestiges arise, they must be confronted, acknowledged, and expelled, as i have done in this post.
so i will probably be focused on expelling the victim from my life for a long time [or maybe, not so long .... even better].
i look forward to letting go completely this victim who had no idea before recently how much he held 'me' in his sway. and i fully believe that all these years of spent walking my recovery road, with all of its peaks and valleys, has indeed been leading me in the direction of freedom and liberation from the effects of the experiences of sexual victimization and assault. geez, that sounds so biblical......just like the israelites wandering in the desert for 40 years.....my 40 years is just about up.
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