last year, i gained new perspective on the past, unencumbered by all of the things that formerly preoccupied my attention: raising kids, reducing debt line, worrying about whether i was getting ahead or sinking behind in life and in my healing and .....
now, being at the age in life where there are no guideposts to success, i feel thankful to have maintained a strong sense of relatedness to the creator, because in retrospect, that is the one main thread, the one thing that has sustained me all these years of struggle. when i was working against myself, and when all the world seemed to rail against me, something kept the parted waters from caving in around me.
at 55+, kids on their own, no mountains of self-actualization to climb, having processed much of the baggage i carried along the way from the effects of family/cultural systemic abuse, i find myself at a crossroads.
where is the book on 'how to enter and survive the later years'? who can show the way to live when there are no more hoops to jump through? on the other side of all this, there was always an invisible parent living in the shadows of the mind, always watching, guiding, from the wings suggesting the next move, who, what, where, when and how to be a person. cueing the next passage.
in the younger years, there was always the next big challenge:
- 16 yo: get to drive a car
- 18 yo: graduate from high school, enter college, get to vote, get to move out on my own
- 21 yo: can't wait to get my lcb card!
- 22 and beyond, the sky's the limit, just imagine all the things you were told you could be/do. education, career etc.
- get married have a family, and let that determine the specter of you life choices
and now, all that behind me, i reflect on what's next.
i ask myself, what new drama can i concoct for my life that will fuel the ambition for my succeeding daily endeavors?
previously, my life was lived from the center of 'me'. it had to be that way, because i had to succeed in bringing to resolution all that i initiated in my early years. i had to honor all the choices that i made, and in turn, honor all of the effects of those choices. i didn't have to think much about my life plan, because those choices pretty much dictated them for me.
now i am only held back by the limitations of my own resources.
as i count my blessing from last year, the ground gained, i see once again the hand of the creator gently guiding as in days gone by. i was brought to a church community, and my involvement in it has been the medicine i needed to shift from self focus to a life of service.
previously, i took all the truths i read from the scriptures of various disciplines, and tried to apply them as best i could, but i always felt i was merely performing service by rote.
it was almost as if in the early period of my life, i was being prepared, unbeknownst to me, for a fiat much greater than the limited scope of my own understanding. the theory of loving god and neighbor was a just that, an attempt to apply a set of principles. but now, with time on my hands, and a new group of people to love, and no excuse not to give myself totally to them, i have no choice to enter the phase of practicuum.
if i fail to accept this next challenge, then i have not really listened to all the things i have been reporting back to myself. i must walk my talk. and i must do for no other reason, than simply this: it's all that is left to live for. to help fulfill the lives of others with the same amount of effort that i served myself all these past years.
that others become my main interest. that all my resources be invested in the well being and care of those who need it most.
knowing what i know now about the deep need for love and connection that we humans so desperately seek, i am feeling compelled to respond with what little resources i have to offer: my hands, my heart and my spirit of gratitude.
no other agenda, no other desire but to help fill the cups of those who are lacking.
maybe this seems obvious to many other people, and as i said earlier, i tried to live this way through out my life, but i never felt the connection before now, with a community of people who will receive the gift of myself in the spirit intended.
i guess if i am to be honest with myself, i do expect a reward: the simple joy of seeing fear and tension dissolve in a person who feels safe for the time being, who feels loved for a moment, and who will savor that nectar and not waste a drop.
i attribute this post to my mcc brother, brian, who lives this way, and has given me the inspiration to know whom i am being called to be in this next leg of my time here on earth.
hoping for peace and joy for all in the new year 2009,