Update

Thanks for the pictures from the Hawaii trip.

I figured since I am laid out with the flu I would post a couple of pics of my own. So here we have the two newest additions to the household:

#1 is the Red bellied parrot, Rufus (Rufus T. Byrd to be exact)



#2 addition I obtained as a companion for Rufus, to keep him company when I am away. He is a cockatiel and his name is Zoombaloomba T. Byrd

in the meantime.....

So, here we are three weeks later. The Lord has been continuing to draw me closer to him and has been moving and shaking me out of my futile attempts on my own to make sense of my life amidst the smoke and clouds of the ongoing deconstruction of my life.

I am so excited about this chapter of my life, as it is taking me in a new direction that is not fed by some craving hunger for something that will point to a satisfaction of some lack lurking in the shadows of my own ego needs. The 'thing' that is drawing my heart is the search for my lover, like in the biblical Song of Songs. What a joy it is to not have a desire for anything or anyone but Christ, and more and more of him in my life. It is incredible, the lack of tensions in my search for him. I think it because the guilt factor has been removed; I have totally accepted that my own 'personal best', however far from 'the mark' is good enough, and acceptable for this loving brother friend.

My love for the creator is pure, and the whole thrust of my life is projected to embrace him. The wonderful thing is, that my pursuit is not based on my feelings of personal inadequacy, but rather rests on the confidence that he loves and fully accepts me as I am in my grossest humanity. And he died so I could realize his love for me, without waiting until I became 'worthy' , achieving some institutional approval.

Anyway, I am so hungry to consume him and be consumed by him that I feel drawn to continue my quest for him in community and believers who share this hunger. This is the continuation of a gift given earlier.

I checked out the Benedictine Oblate program at St Vincent's and last week I yielded to the suggestion to pay a visit to St Vincent Monastery in Latrobe. It was wonderful to spend time in the church, quiet, except for the screaming voice of the Spirit. I used to spend a lot of time there previously when I took some philosophy and logic courses there in the summer of 2000 before going to the midwest. It was the last time that I got the 'tap on the shoulder' and looked into religious life by applying for candidacy with the diocese of Greensburg. 8 years ago, they felt that since the kids were still young enough that they might have need for me as a parent and they saw that as an impediment to my candidacy. But truthfully, the kids have never 'needed' me, and I don't say that for any other reason other than, they were never encouraged to rely on me in that capacity, and since loyalty to the matriarchal tribe was mandatory for them, any show of love for me would have been severely frowned upon and even punished with tense disapproval. I know how the manipulation function works within this particular family system. Anyway, now that my interference is no longer a threat, I am sure that it is not necessary to apply such pressures to conform to tribal loyalties. Life has gone on.

So where was I? Oh yeah, back to my deepening realtionship with my creator. So I applied for membership in the Oblate program at St Vincent's and Fr Donald, the director sent me an awesome letter, written in his own hand, and I was greatly impressed. So it seems I am going to become invested as a novice oblate at a ceremony on April 1st and that will connect me with a community of folks who also seek deeper intimacy with Christ through the narrow gate of following the Rule of St Benedict.

Along those lines, I inquired also into becoming amember of the community of benedictines at St Vincent, and the vocations director there wrote me to say that while my age was well beyond their normal range for candidates, we could explore the possibility. So either way, all I want is to do is live out God's will for my life, to live out the purpose he has established for me. If that is in a community of oblates , well then fine. If that is as part of a community of professed religious, that's fine too. We will have to see how it all plays out, but in the meantime.........