lately, i am slowly and surely drifting away from the need to glomb on to the recovery model.
after exploring the idea of narcissism upon reading a post by magraith
on the subject of sociopathic narcissism , i came to realize that there is a bit of the tendency in me [we all lie somewhere along the spectrum from sociopathic selfishness to sociopathic selflessness, but i think most of us lie somewhere in the synchristic balance between the two]. i could even pinpoint ways in which i have subconsciously used my friends in order to sate my egoistic needs. i felt ashamed for that. but i am not stuck in shame, it was healthy, because it led me to a new understanding of my own self-seeking behaviors, and brought me a a little closer to resolving the duality that is permitted to reign within, causing me to exist is several locations at once!
so one thing led to another, i can't remember the steps of my explorative process how i got from narcissism to non-dualism, but i did nonetheless and i came upon a rabbit hole that led me into a marvelous new realm of exploration.
they say when the student is ready the teacher will appear. and i am so ripe for this challenge. having been a seeker all my life, i really feel it has nothing to do with the abuse.
so there it is.
anyway in my adventure for exploring the topic of non-dualism ensued, i first came upon the advaita vedantablog when i saw the title it reminded me of the first time that i had actually heard about it: in joni litchell's album 'mingus' when it came out years ago, mingus was discussing it on the 'record' [yes, the days of 'records' and record players!] at the time i had been into reading about the akashic records and other 'new age' ideas. had tried transcendental meditation, zen, delved into chakra theory, kundilini energy etc. my interest in attaining higher stages of consciousness was very strong in the late teens and early 20's.
then the effects of the abuse started to kick in and led me to deny my true nature and brought me to the place where i became married, i walked away from my interest in eastern disciplines, and got plugged into western religion and born again christianity, had an emotional experience and came to believe that that was what it was all about. in the process i came to identify more and more with my own mind, my own ego, and all of its investments in cause and effect. this created a great deal of unbalance and tension in my inner world. but i do honor this part of my process. walking this path helped me to encounter the healing segment of my journey so that ultimately i could be brought back to unificity.
here are a couple of other awesome teachers that i have stumbled across over the past few days while exploring the comprehension of myself as 'present awareness':
if interested check out
http://www.advaita.org/
and here is a place where you can listen to ideas that emerge from vedanta for free [imagine that!]
http://www.theeternalstate.org/
well, if you need me you know where i'll be.....
ron
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