life goes on...without employment with archdiocese of minneapolis/st paul

Wow! its the middle of February already. It has been a while since I last posted. This time of the year has been very busy; with me being home in Pittsburgh for the first time since 1999, I am now more involved than ever in the social life of my family and friends.

Week 1 in February this year involved the bdays of both my son Chris and my mom ( sarah's also, but she's off in Berkeley blazing new paths in the area of gender studies ), and also, Chris' band played last weekend. In the crazy mix of working at Sheetz and the new full-time church gig, my head has lost track of time, as there is not a lot of regularity in the schedule. Well, there is more of it in the church gig; parts of it remain predictable, but others not so much. We had Ash Wednesday, a snow storm which caused a glitch in the rehearsal schedule. This week we have a staff meeting on Monday, and Tuesday I meet with a couple regarding music for their wedding, and a liturgy committee meeting as well, the same day.

I like the irregularity of it all.

And I like keeping busy. It helps me to stay focused.....though on what I am not sure. Just keeps me outta trouble, cause God knows, with time on my hands, I get into things that don't need gettin into. Nuff said.

Checked out the old church gig back in minnesota recently and looked at several of their last bulletins. The finances don't look as promising as they once were under the previous pastor. The weekly collections have been falling consistently under budget, and at this point in the year ( 7 weeks into it) they are 44,000 behind.

I am not surprised, and I know many of the parishioners are very chagrined at the style of the current leader. Point in fact: this guy loves to point to himself and pat himself on the back every chance he gets. It may not be obvious to himself....but at any rate the most recent example was found in a recent bulletin where he wrote in his notes from the pastors desk, about a letter he received from one of the students in the grade school about how nice he was as a priest. I mean, yes, he actually broadcasted that to the whole community. As if to say, "I am worthy" (at least in the eyes of someone who does not know any better).

This from the guy who stands whispering in the shadows of the darkened halls with his 'buddies'; the man is a sneak, and to think that he is the 'spiritual leader' of a whole community. It is just mind boggling. But there it is. Reality.

I guess I am thinking about all of this because we are coming up on the year of my anniversary of being suspended from my ministry there. Remembering the Wednesday after Easter when I reported to work and he called me into his office and suspended me because, according to him, he had received '3' calls about a blog post where I talked about masturbation. Well, since I had been preparing to leave for the monastery in two weeks from that date, I was pretty much packed and ready to go, I loaded up my car and took off. I had had enough of his crap by then. Within the hour he had my email disconnected, and the website which I set up for the music ministry torn down.

This guy hated me from the start. And before that even....before he even became pastor there. He had his little friend Tina who is one of his schmoozers (and now on staff as the wedding coordinator) and a member of the music ministry who had not approved of many decisions I had made as music director. And they were/are buddies---tight. Him hanging around her house, calling her to go cantor for funerals at his old church. No, he came to St John's with a chip on his shoulder against me. And when I tried to retire the year he came there as 'pastor', and after the outcry of the community at the announcement ( I was hired to work at a cathedral in Florida) he said to me 'well, would you want to stay here?' and I caved in because of my love for the community. But when he announced I was remaining there, he said "Ron came into my office and said he decided to stay'. This man is a liar and will do anything to manipulate and deceive. Sad because the community deserves so much better.

Anyway, after I was suspended, and subsequently left two weeks earlier than planned, there was a plan for the Savage Pacer to interview me about my monastery vocation. He actually called the Pacer and told them not to interview me! I am happy to report that they ignored his request.

In the meantime, the other deceit, is that Geogre Behr, the assistant organist who I hired the year prior to my being canned, is in a rainbow relationship with his parter Glenn, and they are raising their children as a family. George is a former member of One Voice Mixed chorus, so you can check it out....I am not making this up. The first year George worked for St John's his employment was delayed because he had planned to attend the PFLAG conference. Tix is aware of the nature of their relationship, and I'll just bet he barely sleeps at night wondering when the archdiocese is going to make THAT phone call.

And while I'm on the subject abut George and Tix.... they definitely had me between a rock and hard place last year. When George out of the blue, quite his post just weeks before Easter and our annual performance of the Stainer Crucifixion Oratorio, knowing that I would be leaving at the end of April saying that 'he would return when I was gone'. Seems he was pissed at being reprimanded for not fulfilling the terms of his agreement as organist accompanist. The unfathomable thing is that Tix backed him up and approved his 'leave of absence'. How unethical is that? Had I not been going to the monastery, I could have created a serious world of shit for St John's and filed a grievance to the American Guild of Organists against both George AND the parish for what was basically an unethical situation. If I had done that, any plans to hire a new director there would have been stalled until an investigation ensued. Unfortunately, becuase I was due to report to the monastery, I did not have the time to devote to such an endeavor, and decided to just forget it. Easier said than done. There was a grave injustice done to me.

In the meantime, Tix has looked the other way, regarding George and Glenn's relationship.

Something very small in me wants to kick the legs out from under these fuckers. My finger is so close to pushing the 'destruct' button. Karma is a good and necessary thing.

Pro/c/gr/ess

What's gonna happen next?

What an odd place i find myself in these days. Since my monastery experience, I find i am less and less invested in my old mythology---those thoughts, beliefs, fear and motivations that drove me to construct my life along certain lines.

I am grieving a lot these days, and doing a lot of letting go and in the meantime, having less and less to cling to. the future does not hold out a lot of hope....... ah, hope, one of the three primary colors in the realm of the spiritual life, along with faith and love. My faith color is the dominant one, these days, and i feel somehow in the fade of hope, that love is developing more of a possibility of emergence into my life. love not in the romantic sense, but rather, compassion. compassion for all people in the plurality of forms of being in the world outside the forming influences and biases of culture and other indoctrinational systems.

anyway, back to the question 'what's gonna happen next?'

well, i can honestly say, whatever happens, i'm not gonna make it so. since most of motivation springs from an active and vibrant [albeit subliminal] sense of hope, i can honestly say that my life will basically stand still for a while. and that's ok, truly. after decades of the pursuit of overarching self-actualizing plans for my future, i have safely arrived in it, only to find that i am not terribly or necessarily excited about it.

but who ever said life had to be exciting? i guess that was something i came to believe somewhere along the line. now i don't think that anymore, so all the stuff i built which rested on that premise is no longer existing, then all those things, whatever they are/were, don't matter anymore either. something inside me tells me that this is really the process of progress and its unravelling. the beginning of death in a sense. i am going to be 55 years old this year after all, and what dreams does a 55 year old dream. i guess i am at the crossroads of letting go all the old ones that don't apply to the vision of my future, which is not the same future that it once was.

it's all very surreal.

i guess when you are partnered, you have a different vision for the future because it includes another person/being around which life you orbit. that's the big dupe of marriage and coupling. get married create your world around and with the other, spawn children then your future becomes the care and concern of and for that progeny. there is no room for 'me' in any of that.

life [and natural death] for bachelor/ettes is significantly different, no? learning how to balance the life of 'me' with life lived for/with others is the great challenge, for a couple of reasons, one being that the responsibility to construct that life depends on one's necessity in creating it, and stoking it and continually revising and repurposing all of the resources necessecary to its proliferation.

all of sudden, i feel tired, that at a time in my life when i thought i would find a lot of rest and retirement, that i have to reach down even further into the bag to find new ideas and strength for living. to devise a new sense of purpose divorced for all of old ways in which i used to purpose my own designs for living.

i guess what's a big part of this is my realizing over the last few days how much i miss minnesota and my friends and life there. in spite of the empty 'minnesota-niceness' of it all, i still had a good personal life beyond my work.....especially prior to my cloister into the discernment process.

i miss having wendy and jodi close by. i miss mickey and the gay men's chorus and all my buddies there. yeah i had a life there, it was real and it miss it.

but now, i have to accept that it is part of my past now.

i am too tired to try to rebuild it here.

lots to st/th/ink about today.
....

Updates

Far too much has transpired over the last two weeks to document it all here, but things have been moving along nicely in all areas of my life.

Lotza drama.

New nighturn job at Sheetz: I finished all the training modules and have been doing some shifts, mostly 4 hours, but some 8. I kinda like it. Without really having any other responsibility, it presents no special challenges. The other week I had to play a service in Bellevue after workiing all night, and that was a bit of litmus test to see how I would do after having been up all night working. It was a bit rough, but I noticed that there was definitely a wall I hit, but once I passed it, it was OK. By the time I got home, it was actually hard to go to sleep...... go figure.

Ressi: even though I do not officially begin full-time until yesterday, February 1st, I have been as busy as ever in full steam ahead church music ministry mode, laying the groundwork. The last two weeks were spent rallying the human resources ramping them up to begin the winter/spring rehearsal season. Also, since this parish is hosting a Confirmation liturgy for 3 area parishes, it has fallen on us to prepare the program. So that has been our focus..... so here I am, back at it, like I never left.

This community is very interesting. In contrast to my last chapter in church music ministry, this parish has a much older population. The contemporary choir has been together since 1970! They have a very strong identity, but are hungry for leadership. the adult traditional chorus needs direction and focus. There is no children's choir ( the school attached to the church closed 5 years ago), but letters were sent out inviting people to consider participating. Also, we rallied a temporary bell choir to help out with the Confirmation.

Actually, I held a joint rehearsal just last Thursday and it was very good to be back in the saddle again. We had both the contemporary choir ( 3 guitarists, flute player, who btw, is blind) and traditional choir, the bell ringers, AND the new drum set that the church purchased was staffed by a friend of the parish, a young man who was not a member, but was willing to help out for this liturgy. It was atypical of what this parish had experienced in the past, even in spite of its penchant for the contemporary style. They loved the combination of bells, organ, piano, drums etc. Of course,who wouldn't? The energy that flows from this use of resources is uplifting to say the least. Also, had my midi controller there with the laptop adding yet another dimension to the soundscape. It was great; felt good and sounded good.

This is the weekend that I officially begin, and today I have a wedding at 3pm, followed by the contemporary choir singing at the 5pm liturgy. BTW, they used to go by the name 'Peacemakers' and so we resurrected it for them. Our special song is 'All Who Are Thirsty' by Kutless.

Then after that, Xian's band All Hail Dischordia is playing at Z-Lounge this evening, so I plan to go there. Bummer, tho, I have to work! But the manager at Sheetz, Jason, a really swell guy, got half my shift covered for me, so I will go in at 2am. 'Nother bummer, I have to play 2 liturgies in the morning, and have a rehearsal with the Confirmation candidates. So I probably won't get home till about 2pm.

This oughta be good.......