i believe this complex to be a strong anchoring component of my own obsessive compulsive addiction to contextualizing everything. everything for me, in order to be recognized as real, has to be understood in terms of how it got there in the first place. in other words, what are the circumstances in which a particular situation arose in the first place?
following the progression of thought and understanding laid out in this journal over the last year and a half, i, in tandem with little ron, the first witness of events, have come to an understanding of the cause and effect of my own deep issues. i believe for me, that this complex is rooted in a sense of inferiority. a sense of feeling that i was not good enough, and that in fact, i would never be. since my most basic need for love and nurture remained unmet in the earliest years of my development due my mom's preoccupation with extenuating factors, i struggled subconsciously with deep feelings of abandonment throughout my entire childhood.
over time, as this desire/need was continually met with frustration, it became natural to learn to live without having the expectations of mother love met. i imagine i came to know life as many other children who have felt left behind in some way, shape, or form. i may not have been aware that the hunger was there, and it may strike some as odd that in these entries i rarely mention my father, but that is only because there is no personal connection, no memory outside the fear state that he elicited in me. i have no memory of my spirit reaching out in desire of him; but my mother on the other hand, i felt the emptiness of that unrequited connection all my life. at some point, i resigned to the fact that she would always be unattainable.
i saw that so clearly as i watched from the crow's nest of my playpen the bond build and strengthen between her and my older brother. then i watched it build and strengthen between her and my sister, born a year after me, the girl she had wanted, and finally got.
something in me that is beyond words, knows these things. the language of clairvoyance, prior to verbalization and semantics, knows these things in the heart.
in the eyes of little ron [LR], his older brother WAS a god. he must have been very special indeed to have been worthy to have the relationship with mother that LR was denied. and so later, LR felt so 'special' to be given the 'special' attention he gave LR. he gave it to LR at a time LR was sorely starving for it, as he had been denied it all his life. when LR was introduced to the attention of his older brother/god, he felt complete. this was before LR's psyche had reached maturity.... actually it was when he was on the brink of adolescence. so LR's primary self-image developed as a concubine to sate the sexual intimacy desires of an older brother. LR grew along those lines emotionally and psychologically for 10 years, in a imagined 'marriage' with the older bro.
just months before the older bro died, the older bro, at the age of 23, abandoned the sexual relationship, stating, 'that was just kids fooling around'. LR was devastated; he felt the pain of rejection. when the olderbroperpgod died, LR felt abandoned.
LR was not able to recover from that rejection. he internalized the rejection, wondering why why why? what did i do wrong? why did this happen??? and so then he took steps to answer that question by making his body the primary importance.
the abandonment led him to overeat, to replace the 'intimacy' that he once had, which was now refused him. he did not know how to stop stuffing himself with food and drink, because he did not understand why this was the case, and there was no one available to confide in, no a shoulder of compassion to lean on. when LR's bro died, he told his family support system about it, and they then too rejected him. LR had no one to love him then, and no one to support him emotionally or psychologically. his entire life became a quest to find value and worth again. and since the only way he knew how to do that was by giving his sex away, he over focused on that and made having a perfect desirable body the chief aim of his existence. he came to believe if he could regain that one thing which made him desirable at one point in his life, everything would be 'OK'.
LR verifies this to be a true and accurate recounting of all that he remembers about the progression of his life.