Letting Go the Idealized Family

for today, i have surrendered to the understanding that my family's unwillingness to participate in psychic excavation of the dynamics of our emotional relationship, though unsatisfactorily serving my needs, meets their needs perfectly. done. it's just simply not a requirement for integrative balance in their mental health schematic. i had to accept the futility of expecting blood from a stone. instead i get stone from blood, and it feels like a kidney stone [if you've never had one they hurt like a mofo].

accepting that possibility for me was hard, because in doing so, meant i had to let go my romanticized notions of who my idealized family were, and that was very painful. gratefully, acceptance of their emotional disability reduced for both of us the growing stress of expectation for something that could not be, and doing so released me from that negative energy which had ruled my emotional life and caused me to paint all my relationships with the brush of emotional color dipped in that shallow palette inherited from my family.

so now what do i do? where do i go? how do i, in a healthy way, satisfy this starving need for bonding to those with whom i share psychic DNA? i don't know if i can. but i am believing that i can get the need quenched through other means, even though they will be mere replacements. that sounds daunting and does not have a lot of appeal, because when i hoping for a simple remodel, i am beginning to see that i may need to start from scratch.

i don't know if i have the energy for that. at any rate, i am coming to the point where i am able to accept the terms of their endearment. as crappy as they are, the consequences of choosing to hide in shadows, secrecy, avoidance and denial will be theirs and theirs alone. in the meantime, i have moved on toward other realms where family of choice cherishes me, and honors my need to ask the deeper questions.

in the meantime, i say thank you to those who have shown the true value of friendship and love, especially my friend family with whom i share spiritual community at mcc. you dear people make me feel 'cherished'. wow....... what else is needed?