My wondering and wandering through the tenets of attachment theory led me to deep understanding of what stoked the overly compensatory behaviors of my life. Once I realized and applied what it had to offer, it all began to make sense: the larger themes of abandonment and rejection that puppeted me from the shadows; the perfectionism and the need to micro manage my environment and the resultant obsessive compulsive behavior..... with the expectation that by concretizing my reality, I would be given a sense of permanency and trust that had never been achieved in the earlier developmental stage of my existence. These lessons must be learned before we can move onto more productive stages. But since I never got the necessary imprint of value and worth, of trust and safety, I was doomed and destined to keep trying to fulfill those needs through out my entire life. Thru recovery I reached a level of understanding, enabling me to see the nature of my blockages, and then to realize ways to eliminate them from my life, and thus became empowered to resume my life. Now, the record is no longer skipping. And all with the help of the God of my understanding, who supplied the candle and the company along the way.
My family were not 'bad' people. My parents were well intentioned, though ignorant of healthy child rearing skills (which had not been modeled for them), however, their flaw was not in that they were under educated, but that they refused to take advantage of sources and knowledge systems beyond those approved by their Roman Catholic faith for effective solutions to the many dilemmas they encountered in their child rearing challenge. They had been raised thinking the voice of science unimportant, and thus their parenting approach became a carbon copy of that of their parents. Inevitably, they became one dimensional, emotionally and psychologically unavailable, modeling ideas and impressed patterns of relating to their progeny that did not serve us as we carried those forms as relational models into broader relational experiences with persons, places and things outside of that milieu.
To replicate those patterns forward as life strategies became the approach for living and relating. However, once I began to learn that that strategy would not accomplish the goal of making connection to people, I modulated my behavior to the contrary strategy: avoidance and isolation. Soon, I began to use the pattern to my disadvantage by doing its opposite. Not having completed the necessary circuit of healthy bonding to a trusted source of nurture, it became my lot ( I love the biblical imagery there ....) and destiny to keep repeating the search for the 'teat' that would sate my need for 'food': the bond of love; until that happened I would become and ever remain "Lot" frozen in place always looking behind, unable to forge ahead. I became attached to the 'spot' I was in. It seemed as though the only way to establish meaning for myself would be by hitching my wagon to some other star (seeking yet again resolution of the elusive attachment bond through external sources).
Through the process of recovery I learned to choose nurturing 'stand ins' to supply the wiring that failed to happen in infancy, and once I developed relationships of trust with a few reciprocal and trusting others, I was then free to proceed to the next stage of development: establishing a healthy sense of ego, separate and autonomous, and self-determining. No longer interrupted, no longer seeking attachment to something outside myself in order to find my value and meaning, I was then able to proceed with the process of becoming and fulfilling my purpose for being the 'star stuff' that I am created to be.
Now that I understand it better, I am no longer needing to be angry about it. Not only have I liberated myself from a lesson that I was not able to complete in a timely fashion in my earlier days of life, but I no longer have to blame anyone, or be anyone's victim, waiting for permission or approval before deciding which are the right choices for me.
Unimpeded, I can design my life using the resources at my disposal, given as a birthright when I emerged from the very first womb that bore me into physical existence.
Friday, August 27, 2010
Friday, August 20, 2010
Blog Blurbs: What is Toxic Shame?
What does it mean to take on toxic shame?
Shame itself is not a 'bad' thing, and is itself a normal human emotion; but Toxic shame does not help to build emotional stability and a healthy sense of self respect and self-esteem.
Toxic shame usually has its roots in the early childhood development stages of the past, and comes about as a result of a child in a vulnerable position being overpowered by expectations and demands of another stronger person, which cause the child to internalize messages which cue them to begin thinking poorly about themselves at an early age.
Usually the person in power is a parental figure or their representative, or a teacher, or a representative of an institution whose opinions have been adopted through public approval as being more credible and worthwhile.
When the weaker person asserts his needs, which are then invalidated by outright rejection, they are left with a sense that because their request is unimportant, that it follows that they themselves are unimportant. Or when they are treated in a harsh, dismissive, or demeaning manner; the child given this treatment feels the 'put-down' of being forced to acquiesce to the preferences of the more powerful person. They end up feeling diminished.
This sense of being discounted becomes normal and eventually establishes a template for life pattern responses, and leaves the more vulnerable person in a disempowered state causing them to question not only their own judgment, but their own needs. This teaches to them to invalidate and ignore the inner voice that arises to give them guidance and direction.
Furthermore, it teaches them to yield their power of self-determination to external sources, causing them to develop attitudes of dependency, always seeking validation from sources outside themselves deemed credible and valid by others.
As the proper exercise of right judgment is inhibited, feelings of low self-worth are continually reinforced creating a vicious cycle of thought patterns that are carried forward from moment to moment.
In order to reclaim now, it is important that one first reject the entrenched notions that they are not smart enough to make decisions on their own, begin to develop faith and trust in their own reasoning powers, allowing them to over-ride the long standing thoughts patterns that say from within "I can't", "I'm not good enough, or worthy enough".
Shame itself is not a 'bad' thing, and is itself a normal human emotion; but Toxic shame does not help to build emotional stability and a healthy sense of self respect and self-esteem.
Toxic shame usually has its roots in the early childhood development stages of the past, and comes about as a result of a child in a vulnerable position being overpowered by expectations and demands of another stronger person, which cause the child to internalize messages which cue them to begin thinking poorly about themselves at an early age.
Usually the person in power is a parental figure or their representative, or a teacher, or a representative of an institution whose opinions have been adopted through public approval as being more credible and worthwhile.
When the weaker person asserts his needs, which are then invalidated by outright rejection, they are left with a sense that because their request is unimportant, that it follows that they themselves are unimportant. Or when they are treated in a harsh, dismissive, or demeaning manner; the child given this treatment feels the 'put-down' of being forced to acquiesce to the preferences of the more powerful person. They end up feeling diminished.
This sense of being discounted becomes normal and eventually establishes a template for life pattern responses, and leaves the more vulnerable person in a disempowered state causing them to question not only their own judgment, but their own needs. This teaches to them to invalidate and ignore the inner voice that arises to give them guidance and direction.
Furthermore, it teaches them to yield their power of self-determination to external sources, causing them to develop attitudes of dependency, always seeking validation from sources outside themselves deemed credible and valid by others.
As the proper exercise of right judgment is inhibited, feelings of low self-worth are continually reinforced creating a vicious cycle of thought patterns that are carried forward from moment to moment.
In order to reclaim now, it is important that one first reject the entrenched notions that they are not smart enough to make decisions on their own, begin to develop faith and trust in their own reasoning powers, allowing them to over-ride the long standing thoughts patterns that say from within "I can't", "I'm not good enough, or worthy enough".
Monday, August 16, 2010
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Triggers: Response versus Reaction
“When you let others “push your buttons,” you give away power. You give them power to trigger powerful emotions at will. Once you are aware of your own reactions, you can disconnect the buttons so they no longer work. When buttons don’t work, people eventually stop pushing them. When that happens, you have claimed meaningful power.” Lost in the Mirror by Richard Moskovitz
This quote definitely inspired a response. I can succinctly remember the occasion when the light switched on for me regarding triggers.
I had been at work, and something happened that instantly put me in a state of hyper-arousal. This was a unique situation, because it was actually the first time I became of aware of what was happening inside me, and how it was causing me to act.
Suddenly, without even thinking, I sprang into action, as if I was on my way to put out a fire! My feet started moving very quickly, my heart started palpitating, I started hyperventilating, my mind started racing a mile a minute.
The second I realized what was overtaking me, I was able to stop myself. I stopped my feet dead in their tracks. I called a halt to the barrage of emotional energy that was flooding my brain. I began to shut out the ruminations that were pouring thru my mind, I sat down and focused on calming my breathing.
I began to relax, I sat there for a moment, and decided that whatever I thought about the importance of that which I was allowing to affect me in such a way. This was no crisis mind you. This was not a medical emergency. It was something of such little importance that I was aghast to realize how something so insignificant could have such a power to cause an automatic and involuntary reaction, a trigger as it is called.
This was the beginning of a new approach to my recovery. This was the moment I began to learn the difference between 'reaction' and 'response'.
Prior to this, reaction ruled me; it had power over me. It dictated the course of action that i would follow. It was the bridle in the horses mouth that when tugged left made me go left; when tugged right, made me go right.
In response mode, I can refuse the bridle. I just take it off, and make decisions without being controlled by my out of control emotions.
Later on during a time of reflection, I thought about this occasion, and while outside outside of reactivity mode with my wits about me, I was in a calm enough place to begin to recognize that there were patterns in my life when this often happened. Recognizing the patterns allowed me to get to know my motivations better, and then begin to question their validity.
Most of the deeper issues that spawned the type of reactivity mentioned above I soon realized were tied into broader themes of rejection and abandonment, shame and self esteem that ruled my life from the shadows, and held dominance over my present moments.
As I got to know and understand myself and my motivations better in times of reflective responsive lucidity, I began to create new patterns of response in my life, and in that way, I took back my power and began to reclaim now.
This quote definitely inspired a response. I can succinctly remember the occasion when the light switched on for me regarding triggers.
I had been at work, and something happened that instantly put me in a state of hyper-arousal. This was a unique situation, because it was actually the first time I became of aware of what was happening inside me, and how it was causing me to act.
Suddenly, without even thinking, I sprang into action, as if I was on my way to put out a fire! My feet started moving very quickly, my heart started palpitating, I started hyperventilating, my mind started racing a mile a minute.
The second I realized what was overtaking me, I was able to stop myself. I stopped my feet dead in their tracks. I called a halt to the barrage of emotional energy that was flooding my brain. I began to shut out the ruminations that were pouring thru my mind, I sat down and focused on calming my breathing.
I began to relax, I sat there for a moment, and decided that whatever I thought about the importance of that which I was allowing to affect me in such a way. This was no crisis mind you. This was not a medical emergency. It was something of such little importance that I was aghast to realize how something so insignificant could have such a power to cause an automatic and involuntary reaction, a trigger as it is called.
This was the beginning of a new approach to my recovery. This was the moment I began to learn the difference between 'reaction' and 'response'.
Prior to this, reaction ruled me; it had power over me. It dictated the course of action that i would follow. It was the bridle in the horses mouth that when tugged left made me go left; when tugged right, made me go right.
In response mode, I can refuse the bridle. I just take it off, and make decisions without being controlled by my out of control emotions.
Later on during a time of reflection, I thought about this occasion, and while outside outside of reactivity mode with my wits about me, I was in a calm enough place to begin to recognize that there were patterns in my life when this often happened. Recognizing the patterns allowed me to get to know my motivations better, and then begin to question their validity.
Most of the deeper issues that spawned the type of reactivity mentioned above I soon realized were tied into broader themes of rejection and abandonment, shame and self esteem that ruled my life from the shadows, and held dominance over my present moments.
As I got to know and understand myself and my motivations better in times of reflective responsive lucidity, I began to create new patterns of response in my life, and in that way, I took back my power and began to reclaim now.
Monday, August 9, 2010
From Overpowered to Empowered
Christina wrote a brilliant blog over at Overcoming Sexual Abuse Website about How to Journey from Overpowered to Empowered. This message is an especially timely reminder for me because of the recent and seemingly on-going major shifts and moves that I have made in my life over the last three years. And it always seems to be in life's 'cracks' where I discover the self defeating beliefs that tend to drive my life subconsciously from the shadows.
It's then that I discover all of the 'things' I use, and give away my power to, in order to achieve and maintain a measure of comfortablilty and balance in the rough transitional spots. You mentioned two of my favorites and they are both would be remedies for particular ingestive maladies that I had used during my life in order to keep myself 'in line' ie, powerless.
Robert Anton Williams states: Inside of us lives both a thinker and a prover; "What the thinker thinks, the prover proves". Fascinating how that little phrase characterizes the dynamic of both the victim mentality and the survivor/thriver mentality. Once we flip the switch from glass half-empty (victim) to glass half-full mentality (survivor), then as you say, we can then gain the potential to move onto the next phase for designing the substance that we'll use for filling up the glass to full and overflowing (thrivor) mentality.
How do you get from Overpowered to Empowered? We each have to answer that for ourselves, but this may give you a great place to begin.
It's then that I discover all of the 'things' I use, and give away my power to, in order to achieve and maintain a measure of comfortablilty and balance in the rough transitional spots. You mentioned two of my favorites and they are both would be remedies for particular ingestive maladies that I had used during my life in order to keep myself 'in line' ie, powerless.
Robert Anton Williams states: Inside of us lives both a thinker and a prover; "What the thinker thinks, the prover proves". Fascinating how that little phrase characterizes the dynamic of both the victim mentality and the survivor/thriver mentality. Once we flip the switch from glass half-empty (victim) to glass half-full mentality (survivor), then as you say, we can then gain the potential to move onto the next phase for designing the substance that we'll use for filling up the glass to full and overflowing (thrivor) mentality.
How do you get from Overpowered to Empowered? We each have to answer that for ourselves, but this may give you a great place to begin.
Chosen
Chosen (Click to watch)
Watching the men recount their stories and seeing their demeanor proceed from loquacious recall to halting deliberation gave me a clear perspective on our plight as male survivors, and gives a deeper understanding and a new compassion for survivors everywhere.
To each and all of you:
One of Them,
Ron
Watching the men recount their stories and seeing their demeanor proceed from loquacious recall to halting deliberation gave me a clear perspective on our plight as male survivors, and gives a deeper understanding and a new compassion for survivors everywhere.
To each and all of you:
I am deeply sorry that you were CHOSEN
One of Them,
Ron
The Hole
On the first day... a man walks down a street...
Suddenly the world goes dark. He thinks he is lost.
Then he realizes he is in a deep hole. He tries to find his way out, and it takes a very long time. Once he is out the day is gone ... so he walks back home.
On the second day... the man walks down the same street.
The world goes dark again. He is in the hole again.
He takes a while to recognize where he is.
Eventually he finds his way out... and so again he walks back home.
On the third day... the man again walks down the street.
He knows the hole is there and pretends not to see the hole... and closes his eyes. Once again he falls into the hole, and climbs out ... and walks back home, the day lost once again.
On the fourth day... the man walks cautiously down the street.
He sees the hole and this time walks around it. He is pleased.
But the world goes dark again. He has fallen into another hole.
He climbs out of the second hole, walks home ... and alas... falls into the first hole. He gets out of the first hole... and walks back home... to think.
On the fifth day... the man walks confidently down the street.
He sees the first hole..... and recognizes it.
He walks around it... but forgets the second hole, which he walks directly into.
He gets out immediately... and walks straight back home - to weep and hope.
On the sixth day... the man walks nervously down the street...
The hole is there and he thinks "I won't fall into the hole again"... and walks around the hole. He sees the second hole, avoids the second hole... but as he passes, he loses his balance... and falls in. Climbing out he walks back home ... taking the time to carefully avoid all the holes.
On the seventh day... the same man goes for a walk....
... and chooses to walk down a different street.
Suddenly the world goes dark. He thinks he is lost.
Then he realizes he is in a deep hole. He tries to find his way out, and it takes a very long time. Once he is out the day is gone ... so he walks back home.
On the second day... the man walks down the same street.
The world goes dark again. He is in the hole again.
He takes a while to recognize where he is.
Eventually he finds his way out... and so again he walks back home.
On the third day... the man again walks down the street.
He knows the hole is there and pretends not to see the hole... and closes his eyes. Once again he falls into the hole, and climbs out ... and walks back home, the day lost once again.
On the fourth day... the man walks cautiously down the street.
He sees the hole and this time walks around it. He is pleased.
But the world goes dark again. He has fallen into another hole.
He climbs out of the second hole, walks home ... and alas... falls into the first hole. He gets out of the first hole... and walks back home... to think.
On the fifth day... the man walks confidently down the street.
He sees the first hole..... and recognizes it.
He walks around it... but forgets the second hole, which he walks directly into.
He gets out immediately... and walks straight back home - to weep and hope.
On the sixth day... the man walks nervously down the street...
The hole is there and he thinks "I won't fall into the hole again"... and walks around the hole. He sees the second hole, avoids the second hole... but as he passes, he loses his balance... and falls in. Climbing out he walks back home ... taking the time to carefully avoid all the holes.
On the seventh day... the same man goes for a walk....
... and chooses to walk down a different street.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
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