A Long Overdue Get-Together .... after 10 (?) years we're all in the same room --- just us

 

Sc/een.e from a Balcony 2-27-25 8am

It's been overcast the past several days but the upside is that the weather, while kinda' rainy, has been between 40 and 50 degrees. A nice promise of Spring ..... time for a little Springdance! 

Springdance (audio file)

Springdance is the first song I wrote following my exit from a marriage that didn't work out as planned. However, the unintended consequences are apparent in the pride I feel of having produced 3 amazing offspring that 'seem' to have turned out "A-OK" in spite of being exposed to the trauma of divorce. 

We had an opportunity yesterday to get together for a blanket celebration of birthdays, retirement, employment ... all the fun things ... over a shared meal. This is the first time were had been together all in the same room, just us, at the same time for probably 10 years ..... maybe longer --- since Isaac was born and we all got together in the Brookline Chelton house around 2015. Here is the current state of affairs: 

A stark contrast from a much earlier version of one of our previous group phots from circa 1985 seen below

. It's unfortunate that the marriage ended in divorce, but it was for the best interest of everyone involved that we were able to do 'the right thing', reducing the impact of the potential collateral damage inherent in exposing these people to poor relational modeling. Of course, the majority of us availed ourselves of the support of therapy along the way, but early life trauma can never truly be fully erased; still 'accepting the things we cannot change' was a huge part of the recovery process for each of us. 

Of course the choice we made to marry was, in retrospect, ill-advised, but I will state that never once did I regret that my offspring came into being. Their births, their lives have been the source of my motivation to live.

Catching up with my shadow

 

Sc/een.e from a Balcony 2-25-25 2pm

Since starting working on Friday morning and Saturday evening at the concierge desk I have been feeling less motivated to preserve my transitional habits of blogging every morning. It's been a struggle to stay out of food, since now that I'm no longer meeting with therapy patients, I have all this unstructured time of my hands, and a whole lot of vacant head space. I can't tell if I'm gaining weight or staying the same, but my relationship with food is changing. I recognize that most of my relationship with food has been tied to my impoverished attachment needs, and this makes a lot of sense given that I've been a solitary guy my entire life, and now that I'm no longer working as I was, I'm even more isolated. I have lots of theories and data to back up the 'why' of me, but frankly, I'm tired of the narrative I've been pushing to myself my entire life, just to banish the pervasive strain of existential anxiety that has dominated my life. It's time to let go, and just breathe. 

Another subheading in the Penultimate Chapter

 

Sc/een.e from a Balcony 2-21-25 10 am

So today I began my employment engagement with Parkview, my apartment complex.

As it turns out, I am scheduled regularly for two days (not too terrible .... was hoping it would have been less .... ) but I'll do what I can for as long as I can and as well as I can.

Today I was co-pilot, main task was logging in resident packages as they were delivered by local delivery services. I think I must have logged in about 300 packages (probably an exaggeration ....) but try to convince my flesh suit otherwise. 

One major realization I had was that: damn I'm old. Working shoulder to shoulder with all these 20 somethings, and from a position of zero power (compared to having two previous careers where I knocked it out of the park.) The last job I had where I was responsible to a 'boss' was back in the early 80's when I worked in custodial work. 

Since then, I managed to climb two career ladders, fulfill all the requirements  of three academic gauntlets (2 BA's MA, and MS)  before my body decided to force me into a reality check and gout disempowered my vitality. 

It was funny waking up this morning with a new sense of purpose and responsibility. I'd been through these beginning phases umpteen times, and this time, I felt no real urgency to start something brand new, as I had in previous iterations of my launchability. Having a mindset of not being responsible for powering the machine as I had in my previous was pure relief. My OCD brain has been interrupted.

And I'm exhausted from the hard work of logging packages. Maybe it will make me stronger .... I doubt it will kill me. 

Updates on Conciege position and LGBTQIA cancellation tactics

 

Sc/een.e from a Balcony 2-20-25 7:30am

We've got a bit of snow again. Thinking back over the weeks, it's actually been a rather mild winter. I don't remember one big event. Oh well, it is what it is.

Update on the Concierge position 

Well, I was originally supposed to start last Friday, but when I inquired about the time they wanted me to arrive, I was informed the results of the pre-employment drug screen had not been received yet. In the meantime, I was instructed to connect with the medial service to review the results, which ultimately became available. As it turns out, the results were reviewed and reported to the employer and I was flagged to start tomorrow : Friday at 3pm. So there you have it! I have my first training day tomorrow. 

Wednesday Funday

Yesterday was different .... in a good way! Amanda had texted me the other day asking about visiting with a friend, Ari, who was interested in exploring their growing interest in the Harp. They came and had a wonderful time checking out the instruments and having a gabfest. 

The selfie we took to document the moment turned out great. 

L - R: Moi, Amanda, Ari

At one moment we decided to sing some songs ... but get thi: we couldn't come up with an idea of what to sing, so we just decided to go with the good ol' "Push Can turn and Shove", one of the princes from the RonSongs catalogue: songs mostly written by your truly while I was 19 - 23. 

Ari grabbed a video of the moment:

We definitely gave it our best shot .... *cough* ... at any rate, it's always a transporting moment when Amanda lifts her voice in song.                                      

 

Listen to "Push Can Turn and Shove"

©  Ron Schulz    

Well, here we are again my friend,

same secluded table, same unhappy ending

Where do we go from here?

Should I just forget your name;

tell myself that it is all in the game, forget where we've come from, 

and how we got where we are?

Your individuality

compares with nothing short of insecurity

I know for I've been there before

The loveless little lies you tell

I realize now that I didn't know you well

Perhaps it was the novelty 

that made me see what I saw in you

   Or could it have been the way I feel

   A macrame of simple words and strong ideals

   Oh how was I to know that

    you would steal away the very heart of me

Now that we've nothing to conceal

And everything has been revealed

for the sake of my soul, now can't you be real

A lost and lonely lovers' tears

A fast escape from all my fears

Now I'm looking to find you again

You say you'll never marry though

the need for something safe and so secure will show

that you're not immune to the sadness that loneliness can bring

And in a couple years from now

these carefree time will take a bow 

And you'll find yourself

Alone like a book on a shelf

   Could it have been the way I feel

   A macrame of simple words and strong ideals 

   Oh how was I to know that

   you would steal away the very heart of me

And just like push can turn and shove

These tables could be turned on you someday my love

Imagine yourself left lost and so all alone

New Blog Subject: Tracking cancellation of LGBTQIA designation

I recently found this vlog channel on Youtube "Gay USA" on the Free Speech channel. It's important for my purposes to document the decline in support for non-heteronormative manners of being human. 

List of topics discussed: 

The National Park Service erases trans and queer people from their Stonewall National Monument website. We fight back.

Demonstrations against the Trump/Musk dictatorship from coast to coast on President’s Day

Kennedy Center under Trump cancels LGBTQ events. Protests ensue.

Trump Ed. Dept. hates women in sports—not just trans women.

The gruesome murder of trans man Sam Nordquist, 24, in upstate NY. Five arrested.

The killer of trans performer Lorena Xtravaganza in 2012 was apprehended.

Openly gay Imam Muhsin Hendricks assassinated.

ACT UP stalwart Gerri Wells has died.

American Lament

 

Sc/een.e from a Balcony 2-18-25 8am

Incredibly cold this morning .....  9 degrees in Pittsburgh, but I've had worse; problem is that at this point my body does not respond favorably to such extreme and sudden changes. I'll do what I've always done: Adapt.

 Sad News

End of an era! Just got the news of the passing yesterday of a dear friend first met in 1990 when working in music ministry at St Philip Parish in Crafton, the community where I had been a 3rd generation member, and was ecstatic to have  had the opportunity to return there for 10 years as music director. 

Here is Ann, wife of Andy (rip), mother, nurse, a passionate woman who was 60 years old in 1990 when we first met. She became the very first Cantor at this parish and we quickly adopted each other and became fast friends, a relationship that endured past my leaving the post in 2000. This photo was taken from her 90th birthday surprise party at Olive Garden in 2019. 

After Andy passed, we would often go here and there to concerts and shows at the Carnegie Library and this next photo was taken at the last time we got together at her house to share a meal and visit. This photo was taken in 2022 at age 93. 

Red Letter Day 

Whimsical Trumple Stiltskin and his minions has been mercilessly eviscerating all we'd come to hold sacred and dear to our common purpose and vision for ourselves as a nation. Since it was "President's Day" today, people around the world protest the actions taken to "drain the swap" as repugnicans call it. 

 It's seems we're returned to a time I remember 'oh so well' from way back in 1975 when such unrest was part of the sociopolitical landscape at the time (IYKYK Watergate), the rise of advocacy and activism for civil rights (women and non-binary identified people). 

At the time, I lived with one of  Pittsburgh's own premiere activists, Senator Jim Ferlo,  in a duplex in South Oakland, and often played open mics in the area performing my original songs on guitar. This specific song seems, written by a 19 year old me, seems to foreshadow the recurring pattern we now see unfolding in our modern day. Titled "America's Lament' it is an ode to these dia-pol-ical times.

America's Lament ©1975 Bart Black

Out of the will to survive, there grows a constant struggle

for the freedom we inherit through our birth.

Fresh, and uninfected we come wading through the wonder 

and the mystery encountered on this earth.

Where questions are answered with a question;

 it's like talking to the paper on the wall. 

When searching for 'it' down beneath the surface, 

you're finding that you're only grabbing straws.

He comes down with arguments and accusations plenty, 

he is fighting for the party of his choice. 

But radical defenders of this system undivided 

beat their drums so hard it cancels out his voice.

There is nothing but the present; truth is disregarded with the past. 

The rich are busy raking in the profits, while the poor are getting poorer very fast.

Seasons keep on changing and the rivers they keep on flowing 

and the needs of people still go unfulfilled. 

And there's no compensation for the time that has been wasted,

or the countless drops of blood that has been spilled.

Spilled and splattered on our values; stained and gualded on their face. 

And with the whole damned country buried under rubble, 

please tell me what will happen to the human race?

The past lives in the present, and the present always passes,

but you never know that it's here until it's gone. 

But I live to make a way today to keep the goodness rolling,

 in spite of all the damage that's being done.

America, I know that you are somewhere sealed behind these walls of liberty. 

Ten thousand picks and chisels cannot save you, for only truth and time shall set you free!

Harp Journal #132 

After finding out about Ann and notifying a mutual compadre I was visited by the notion to play this son on the harp : You Raise Me Up. It just came to me and I'm finding all my musical knowledge and piano bar playing skills are starting to take root in my harp skill set. Being able to translate musical ideas from he 'thought known' of the psyche's subconscious with greater ease is what I originally hoped to attain when I took up the harp two years ago. 

Blogging has evidently become my second passion for retirement age. It, along with the Harp, has given me a sense of purpose, and allows me uninterrupted time to process the past and document it so as I age and memory begins to fade, I will have this body of events to remind me who I have been along the way, lest I forget, which I'm certain will occur eventually. 

Divestiture Phase of the Penultimate Chapter

 

Sc/een.e from a Balcony 2-17-25 7:30am

I think winter is here to stay for a while. Cold 19 degrees .... but that sky!

The Divestiture Phase

I'm beginning to see evidence that I've entered what I call the "Divestiture Phase of the Penultimate Chapter". 

Slowly but surely, I'm relaxing out of the brain's wiring attuned to compulsive human doings, and starting to think, "hey, I think I like not caring about anything." One of theA couple major things I'm noticing is my waning appetite for food and distraction. I'm falling more and more deeply in love with my Harps and spending many hours reviewing pieces that I learned over the past two years, and polishing them up. Remarkably my learning curve is much shorter that it was when I was first learning the pieces, and now, as I work on new ones, I am getting them under my hands at a much quicker pace. It's finally happening! And I am so gratified.

Just yesterday I got the bug to make my next WIP (work in progress) to be an arrangement of Secret Garden. Started working on it, and at first it seemed pretty straight forward C Minor, but there is a "B" section that slides into the subdominant of Eb, with a harmonic episode in relative minor modulations. I'll have to figure out what's going on there, but it's basically Harmony 101 .... just can't figure it out without taking an international look ..... TBD. I'll be sure to post it when it's finished. 

Also, since I'm in Eb folder, I had a notion to try "I'm on the Top of the World" which sounds so nice on harp ..... what doesn't?

Anyway, I'm late to blogging today, further evidence that my compulsive behavior patterns (food obsession, schedule rigidity) are loosening their grip on my brain and I can actually feel entrainment to less brainwave activity. And I like it .... not needing the be the guy who goes into a panic when he's not hyper fixated on the inner world.  My brain and body like it too. Time to exhale!

Pain be gone? Snap! & Harp Journal #131

 

Sc/een.e from a Balcony 2-16-25 7:30am

Stark contrast from yesterday's snow. Today it's a balmy 42 degrees.  We'll have to wait to see if Punxatawny Phil's prediction holds out. I'm happy if things don't change. I'm all for Spring starting a little early.

Today I'm meeting one of my former client's just to check in .... the relationship that developed between us was had more of a parental dynamic as they had lost their father in the recent past and I felt the therapeutic relationship was beneficial for each of us according to how it met both of our needs: theirs for guidance and support and mine for the father/son connection. They're great people, with creative talent and a world of opportunity awaits them, but they're not convinced they have what it takes to solve their life dilemma. It's hard when you're young and don't have a lot of 'grown up' male role model support ..... I know from personal experience that this is a fact. I guess that's a big part of why I value this connection.

Pain -2.0

Wonder of all wonders! Just like that, the excruciating bone deep pain that came upon me suddenly the other day in my left thumb base just as quickly and mysteriously vanquished ( I say vanquished rather than vanished because I’m deducing the interventions I applied had some part in the recovery)..At his age, you don't require a rational explanation for things that seem that don't make sense. After spending years trying to reify aspects of the "unthought known", trying to make the abstract concrete, I've arrived at the place where I'm very careful what beliefs I allow to take root in my palette of suppository imaginings that I find great relief in divesting from their entrenchment, and my brain is very happy to prune all the unneeded traffic gumming up the system. This probably makes no sense to anyone but me, but I'm allowing the fukits to become my guiding rudder. 

New Harp Journal posted

Yesterday, sans resistance from pesky pain, I spent most of the day perfecting (?) Deborah Henson-Conant's lovely composition "The Nightingale".  This would be Harp Journal #131

Pain = Suffering X Resistance : Acceptance

 

Sc/een.e from a Balcony 2-15-25 7:00am

And there it is ..... finally, snow hits Pittsburgh and I don't have to care one iota! Admittedly,  it is beautiful sitting here from my living room ringside recliner watching the accumulation build up as traffic and pedestrians navigate their treacherous way from here to there. But not this guy ..... I got my popcorn!

Developments ....

So, yesterday, I was supposed to have an onboarding day at my apartment complex for the concierge position I was hired for, supposedly contingent upon providing clearances. That didn't;t happen though, as according to the manager, "hR have not received/reviewed the results". No further information at this point, but I'm wondering if the lack of transparency is something I can live with in the event that the conversation is revived.  If I can survive without depending on a few hundred exa bucks a month, I'd rather remain untethered to the need for working at all. I'm starting to get a feel for the notion of living without a schedule, and I think that position creates space for the extinction of long held brain patterns that keep me tethered to my habitual way of living.

So OK, if I accept that the concierge job will not be part of my future, then the next challenge I face is how to organize my days so that each day has a plan, each week has a plan, each month has a plan, and yes, even down to the minute having its own plan. Does all this seem a bit OCD? Well, taken to the extreme, devoid of flexibility, it's important to remain vigilant about the potential for the development of new brain circuitry that supports growth of neural nets that encourage compulsive behaviors. 

 

The photo inset is a snippet of a book I recently encountered titled "How To Be Old" .... funny how things just appear seemingly out of thin air. Such is the case with this book; the paragraph in questions addresses the very thing I've been wrestling with over the past several blog posts having to do with the very premise of the book. Oddly enough, the book itself is less about how to be old, and more about how to be a writer. At any rate, this book entered the sphere of my wheelhouse and I will allow it to teach me something new, and reinforce something I already know and may be unaware of. 

Fucking pain

So two days ago a gout/arthritis attack flared up, with pain so intense I could not sleep. The flare was new, in my left thumb and wrist, the same place that was affected when I sprained my left elbow and wrist after falling off my electric scooter two years ago. It's hard to determine whether or not this pain is related to that, or if it's just something new, but in either event, not only did it keep me awake, it impeded my ability to practice my harp, which is the only escape I have at this point for distracting myself in this transitional life phase. 

Happily, after applying multiple pain reduction interventions such as heat, sound vibration, TENS unit, etc, I was finally able to sleep through the pain last night.

 

Frustratingly, I woke up this morning to a problem with right eye burning and tearing, which makes it difficult to write this blog today. Bloody hell! All this stuff is related to my neuropathy (I'm guessing)......

This getting old is a real blight, still I hold fast to the Buddhist maxim that reminds me to embrace distress and avoid resisting pain, which will only lead to increased suffering. What else is there to do but accept?

❤️❤️❤️ Valentine's Day ❤️❤️❤️

 

Sc/een.e from a Balcony 2-14-25 7:30am

A little more interesting color today! Temperature is 18 degrees and the humidity is quite low. Harps need humidity in a 40 - 60% range to avoid advancing the deterioration of the instrument, potentially leading to broken strings and cracked soundboards. We can't be having that! Yet, even with two humidifiers running simultaneously today, it's having a hard time holding strong at about 42%.  

Update onTaxes

They are officially done, submitted and accepted! Load off my mind! Next dragon to slay involves requesting a recalculation of my student loan payment to be in alignment with the expected income decrease; now that I no longer have income from employment, I'll be surviving on less than 50% of what I made last year, so it will be interesting to see how things shake out over the year.

 ❤️❤️❤️  Valentine's Day  ❤️❤️❤️

My friends from Louisiana (who have connections in Pittsburgh) who I met on the Learning the Harp Facebook group a few years back sent this family photo. It's amazing to watch this family grow and blossom. The two children, Miriam and Stanton, are both talented intellectually and musically. Miriam plays the Harp (among many other instruments) and Stanton is a genius and a musician also (I'm serious about the genius part), and Mom ( the genius maker, along with husband and father John) is a music teacher, performer, doing all the things one does when they've got gobs of talent. 

Here is a setting of Carol Kappus' What Wondrous Love is This arranged for Harp, with a piano part added by me and written especially for Miriam and her Mom. 

Miriam releases a new video on her Youtube channel every Wednesday and it's been amazing to follow her progress. She is a mere 12 years young and does wonderful things with hear talents. 

New development in the physical ailment department

Not sure what's goin on, but yesterday, out of the clear blue, my arthritis (or perhaps gout?????) flared up in my left thumb, starting an avalanche of pain throughout the entire area that pulsed and radiated from deep within and even up my arm, triggering pain memories from when I sprained my elbow and wrist in a fall two years ago ..... I didn't sleep a wink last night in spite of the many interventions applied to ease the pain (CBD Creme, sound vibration, massage, Belifu TENS Unit). I sincerely hope this is only a flare, and not something worse like carpal tunnel.

This aging is for the birds! Everyday it seem to be some new problem, and, to be honest, it's hard to maintain a pleasant attitude under the circumstances. One day at a time ....

Standing in the Spaces of Waiting

 Sc/een.e from a Balcony 2-13-25 6:30am

I was struck by the luminous vibe this morning and chose to grab a photo earlier than usual. The weather recently has been predicting rain eventually turning to snow, so I'll have to wait and see what comes of that. It's 44 degrees here this morning. 

So taxing .....

For someone in 'retirement' I have a lot of stuff on my to do list. Taxes, for one. My pension 1099 finally arrived completing the 2 total documents I need to process my tax return. This year I decided (for the first time ever) to have a tax professional do them. I made an appointment for this afternoon at noon, and I hope that this till be a 'one and done' situation. As an independent contractor, I paid throughout the year, but something tells me to be ready to find out it wasn't enough. Hrumph! All I want at this point is to know what my bottom line is, so I can see what's left to rely on as I consider my economic future. 

....... and student loan matters

Once the taxes are taken care of, the next lion's mouth to stick my head in, is the issue of continuing to have my loans reduced to reflect the new retirement income. All this stuff requires hours sitting on hold waiting in the queue for the 'next available representative'. to be available. ZZZZZZzzzzzzzz.....

Aside from that, I initially had been invited to start the concierge position tomorrow, but my drug test results have not been reported yet, so, hopefully sometime today I'll find out ir and when I'll have my first day.

Standing in the Spaces of Waiting

It's stressful to not know how to create structure for my days going forward. I'm trying to lean into the lack of busy-ness to keep me occupied, and accept that life is now taking on a new meaning, which has yet to be revealed while standing in the spaces of waiting....... .

. 

End of a sentence. Period.

 Sc/een.e from a Balcony 2-12-25 7:30am

Pretty much the same over the past several days; pleasant walking weather, no wind, cool 30 degrees. It's supposed to rain .... or snow .... maybe or maybe not? Who knows? 

Final act of service as I formally launch my retirement

So the agency had its monthly supervision meeting and I was invited to participate where I was recognized for my service and given a parting gift of a small tongue drum. I've owned several of there along the way, in various sizes and metals. 

This one will be added to my kept treasures marking the end of a significant life chapter. As I review the time of significant events marking the endings and beginning of my life, it strikes me how this circuitous demonstration of how Goal Oriented Direction writes straight with crooked lines reveals patterns of attachment seeking behaviors that infused my motivations to pursue longings for human connection, which, ironically, was not available to me coming from a tribe of 10 people where in I felt no sense of collegiality or love, and where in fact deviations from tribal norms was met with various forms of disapproval. 

It will be interesting to see who I become with divested of all responsibility and my life sentence has been comma-uted. 

Bernie Sanders speaks! 

How different would life have been if we had hired him years ago when we had the chance?

The Sacred Becomes the Profane.

 

Sc/een.e from a Balcony 2-11-25 7:30am

The morning view ..... nonthreatening calm as the morning commute begins 5 stories down. Uneventful .... moving on ....

Moral Dilemma and Retirement 

Today is the day I formally retire from my position as senior psychotherapist with the CWC, after 6 months ago experiencing  rapid onset of neuropathic deterioration resulting in gout, making it difficult to ambulate safely and without pain. I have been living with the constant companion of neuropathy since 2010 when I began to notice extreme changes in the normal operations of my flesh suit. I don't focus on the pain, but I do know it's there, ever reminding me.

So when this most recent flare up occurred, at a level previously unmatched, I was order tests by my PCP, and after being tested, it was determined that I now have full blown gout, most strongly in my right foot. Wonderful! Welcome to the world of aging, decapacitation and disability. Yeah I think I just made up a word to describe the process that is occurring in my particular brand of physical decline. 

Be that as it may, in light of, and in tandem with the current obliteration of the universe as we 'know' it, (each in our own way, yet with a common view of reality -- ????), had I not made the decision 6 months ago to not renew my license and formally retire, I honestly attest to my belief that it would be necessary to retire if only on matters of principle alone.

When I trained to become aligned with the mission of the American Counseling Association's ethical code, I felt relieved of previous internal crises of conscience that had been programmed as a result of being raised in a tribe of extreme conservative believers, taking cues from the Roman Catholic playbook on matters of faith and morals.

Becoming enlighted through education and exposure to the methods of science for determining fact from fiction, I was finally able to deconstruct the 'me' that had been forged in the crucible of shame, and reconstruct a 'me' that was more truly aligned with scientific priniciples .... i.e. 'truth'. Enter the ACA Code of Ethics. What a relief, I no longer had to wrestle with religious values, I could now replace these a simple set of humanistic values and ethics that are often though of as humanistic, though they could also be characterized as derivative of the "Golden Rule". I have no issue with that .... It was definitely a load off to be free of the internal stress,  to have a set of clear decisive guidelines/recommendations for managing human relationships, which preserved the balance of power between self and other in the I/Thou dyad embedded in every relationship, with things both animate and inanimate. 

These professional values provide a conceptual basis for the ethical principles enumerated below. These principles are the foundation for ethical behavior and decision making. The fundamental principles of professional ethical behavior are

• autonomy, or fostering the right to control the direction of one’s life;

• nonmaleficence, or avoiding actions that cause harm;

• beneficence, or working for the good of the individual and society by promoting mental health and well-being;

• justice, or treating individuals equitably and fostering fairness and equality;

• fidelity, or honoring commitments and keeping promises, including fulfilling one’s responsibilities of trust in

professional relationships; and

• veracity, or dealing truthfully with individuals with whom counselors come into professional contact.

 As I head into the meeting later on in the day where I will be honored for my services to the CWC, I carry with me a sense of grief and loss of an identity that is no longer deemed valid by the current political agenda of obliteration, shock and awe, as it levies it destruction on everything that was once (and still is) considered sacred, beyond religion....... what was sacred has now been deemed profane in the eyes of the government. 

Even if I were not physically disadvantaged, I would have to question my ability to be completely unbiased as I worked with others who come to the couch seeking support with managing themselves amidst the pressures of their own disintegrating psychic structure, facing an existential crisis not yet fully understood. Yes, retirement is the best choice to address my physical decline, and my lack of ability to work within the aegis of these ethics  that I have adopted as my moral code. 

As I move on I ask myself "Who am I?"; I may not have the full understanding of that question, but in writing these journals, I can, in review, observe patterns of choice and behaviors that may give hints of clues to the motivational thrust behind them. 

Finally, for your enjoyment:

Elon and F-elon