Sunday......... waiting still... and hoping

So here it is Sunday.

I played at St Peter's on the Northside last night for the 5pm service. It was a cute little Schicker organ.

Also, talked with Janet yesterday about the St. Phil's gig, and we both lamented the poor progress. I have pretty much decided that I don't want to remain involved in full-time church music ministry, simply because of my toxic shame-based relationship to the field. I got into it 30 years ago when I was looking for salvation from a world that I had judged to be evil and unworthy; this led me to a road's end.

SO now I am looking to embrace all of the demons that I had decried as unworthy and find my true self in them....warts and all. In doing so I more or less, by degrees, free myself from the detachments to critical judgements of other, choosing instead to see all through the eyes of mercy and compassion. It is very freeing.

So is being in employment limbo. I am finding, now that I don't have to measure myself by what I do, that I am a pretty awesome creation, just by being alive! Trouble is I need to be able to support my need to breathe. So this is where the concern for being employed comes in. However, no longer is being employed the BIG aspect of my own self-worth, but just a manner of practicing social currency.

Thing is, I have been given this talent for creativity and expression through the medium of music. For 30 years I practiced the art in a manner specific to my own set of circumstances, as a person needing to qualify himself through affiliating with a higher moral ground. But along the way, I have realized my own humanity, and decided to allow myself to be all that I really am, without trying to hide as I was posing to appear to be like everyone else.

Ok, all that aside, I just want a job in music, and I sure hope that I hear something from Guitar Centers, but if I don't then I find I am at the point that any young adult finds themself: at a place where I am jobless, oozing with talent, and needing to cultivate a tact for promoting what I have to bring to the musical table.

God certainly helps other people to do that....why not me, especially now that I am out of my own way, and leaving myself open to unlimited possibilty. Moreover, I now have a set of skills, experience, and education that I did not have 30 years ago when I was starting my other career, and at an age when all people are at of point of beginning.

Now I pray for today, that God's will be done in my life. I still feel that he wants me to use music as my medium for connectiong socially. I just have to listen for that still small voice giving me advice from both without and within. It's not a matter of IF he gets me work, but WHEN he gets me work, or connects with the right resources to promote myself with maximum potential.

OK, did you hear that GOd? From my lips to your ears!?!?!??!?!

:-)