well we had our first rehearsal last night with me as part of xian's band 'all hail dischordia'. i didn't know what i was going to be able to bring to the table; i had listened in depth and actually analyzed harmonically what was going on in the songs in the myspace player, and was ready to just contribute. it ended up that in order to accommodate the new dimension, the songs pretty much had to be repurposed, and the guys loved what came out of it. the myspace recordings are full of overdubs which could not be done live without a couple other people and instruments anyway. at any rate it felt and sounded good.
after playing around with the older songs, we started to get into one of the newer ones they had been trying to put together for the last 6 months. the song we worked on does not have a name, as the band does not name their songs until they are finished, but they did already have an idea for what they wanted from a keyboard/synth player. i really enjoyed the experience very much, and didn't get home until closer to midnight! very unusual for me. my life had kinda morphed into a solitary kind of existence, going to work, coming home, taking care of the birds etc.
in addition to all this newness, all of my letting go of unnecessary stuff, has brought me to a place of letting go of letting go. letting go of a lot of newly revealed mindsets, particularly those that have to do with the box that i put god in all my life. it is very scary to live without the idea that everything i am doing is for some ordained purpose. and it sux to realize that that is one of the safety nets i clung to all my life to get me thru.
i am sick of observing my life as a reporter rather than just living the damned thing.
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