Since attending the session 'Ascending to the Realm of Hope and Belief' led by Steve Gold at the recent MaleSurvivor Conference I've become more aware regarding the role anxiety has played in my own life through the years.
My anxiety used to come out in secret crabbiness, edginess, avoidance, which I masked, because I feared people would take advantage of me if I showed vulnerability, or abandon and reject me if I showed signs of imperfection.
As I continued to reflect on the anxiety, I came to realize that it had been chronic. I began to recognize its genesis and roots in the incestuous family system, and later reinforced as a result of the experience of having endured several rapes, one at knife point. Indeed, I had spent a lot of time and energy stoking the anxiety level, keeping it alive, because relaxing it would mean letting my guard down, and I certainly never learned to live with my guard down. It was all I knew, and since there had been no emotional support to help in dealing with the consequences, I was left to struggle on my own in dealing with its legacy.
It soon became apparent that underneath lay the following core beliefs:
This workshop presented a question: on a scale of 1 to 10, where are you on an anxiety scale?I had to admit, that I unremittingly hovered at 7 or 8, or higher.
I had been aware of my fight/flight/freeze 'tendencies' but never really recognized them as fixated orientational responses, or as a constant state of anxiety. The subconscious agenda throughout my entire life had been to mount a defense to quell that constant state of anxiety I lived under, constantly seeking control in order to ensure I was "OK' in the environment of the abusive system I was raised in.
Since the family system that was supposed to protect me actually threatened me with violence and complete rejection if i did not remain silent about the abuse I remained hyper-vigilant in my attempts to make sure i was not getting into hot water territory with them. In order to maintain a sense of control, I learned to avoid new situations not approved by the values of the family system, keeping those things and people at arms length, for fear that they would hurt me, or cause me to be met with disapproval by those who I thought would desert or hurt me, if I failed to comply with the rules of the system. It makes sense that as a way of managing my stress response to the real and imagined fears conjured up under these circumstances, that I would be to allow myself only to become involved in situations condoned by the systemic governance of the family, including jobs and relationships.
Dr. Gold reiterated the scientific finding that as trauma has the propensity to change the function and structure of the brain, reinforcing these types of responses, so healing has the propensity to change the function and structure of the brain so new, more effective and empowering responses are possible.
To begin to counteract the years of reinforced anxiety, I plan to dissolve the old patterns of coping and replace those with new representations of safety. I hope to be able to confront the reflexivity that has kept me protected all my life, to learn to trust a little more with each new encounter, thus expanding the aperture of my awareness to include other possibilities, opening my mind and spirit to new experiences.
The usual method for dealing with high anxiety is by use of an internal on/off switch, however Dr. Gold suggest using the 'dimmer switch' model, and thus learn to modulate emergency alert response incrementally, suggesting creating a "tool belt" of interventions that focus on sustained gains.
I found it immensely illuminating to know what was feeding the anxiety of a lifetime. The information has empowered me to risk actively seeking opportunities in new experiences of people, places and things to challenge and eventually depose those inner convictions that suggest certain things/experiences may potentially harm me.
This workshop helped to erase the remnants of guilt and shame, debunking the harmful notions of the fearful false self that lived within, liberating me from the sense of inner anxiety, which supported the core beliefs that I was 'bad' and therefore morally reprehensible. It restored hope for a peaceful and happy and fulfilling life.
This workshop experience provided the material needed to write the next chapter of recovery.
My anxiety used to come out in secret crabbiness, edginess, avoidance, which I masked, because I feared people would take advantage of me if I showed vulnerability, or abandon and reject me if I showed signs of imperfection.
As I continued to reflect on the anxiety, I came to realize that it had been chronic. I began to recognize its genesis and roots in the incestuous family system, and later reinforced as a result of the experience of having endured several rapes, one at knife point. Indeed, I had spent a lot of time and energy stoking the anxiety level, keeping it alive, because relaxing it would mean letting my guard down, and I certainly never learned to live with my guard down. It was all I knew, and since there had been no emotional support to help in dealing with the consequences, I was left to struggle on my own in dealing with its legacy.
It soon became apparent that underneath lay the following core beliefs:
- Disbelief that change is possible, due to a self centric view that I am evil, inept, incapable, irredeemably damaged, 'sinful'. The belief that the problem of 'Ron' is chronic and irreversible drove me to invest a lot of energy striving throughout my lifespan to perfect these imagined flaws.
- I am undeserving : this core belief evolved due to the prolonged neglect and maltreatment by my caregivers who throughout the early development stage projected their own shame and negative core beliefs onto their offspring through the culture of their own religious and social conditioning, reinforcing deeply ingrained feelings of worthlessness and unworthiness.
- Therapeutic gains are not sustainable: Panic state feels 'normal' so as things began to improve in recovery when blindsided by adversity, faith in one's capacity for healing and hope become questioned, triggering doubt and a return to former coping mechanisms.
- The tendency to self sabotage when things do improve, in order to maintain the status quo safety zone of panic mode.
This workshop presented a question: on a scale of 1 to 10, where are you on an anxiety scale?I had to admit, that I unremittingly hovered at 7 or 8, or higher.
I had been aware of my fight/flight/freeze 'tendencies' but never really recognized them as fixated orientational responses, or as a constant state of anxiety. The subconscious agenda throughout my entire life had been to mount a defense to quell that constant state of anxiety I lived under, constantly seeking control in order to ensure I was "OK' in the environment of the abusive system I was raised in.
Since the family system that was supposed to protect me actually threatened me with violence and complete rejection if i did not remain silent about the abuse I remained hyper-vigilant in my attempts to make sure i was not getting into hot water territory with them. In order to maintain a sense of control, I learned to avoid new situations not approved by the values of the family system, keeping those things and people at arms length, for fear that they would hurt me, or cause me to be met with disapproval by those who I thought would desert or hurt me, if I failed to comply with the rules of the system. It makes sense that as a way of managing my stress response to the real and imagined fears conjured up under these circumstances, that I would be to allow myself only to become involved in situations condoned by the systemic governance of the family, including jobs and relationships.
Dr. Gold reiterated the scientific finding that as trauma has the propensity to change the function and structure of the brain, reinforcing these types of responses, so healing has the propensity to change the function and structure of the brain so new, more effective and empowering responses are possible.
To begin to counteract the years of reinforced anxiety, I plan to dissolve the old patterns of coping and replace those with new representations of safety. I hope to be able to confront the reflexivity that has kept me protected all my life, to learn to trust a little more with each new encounter, thus expanding the aperture of my awareness to include other possibilities, opening my mind and spirit to new experiences.
The usual method for dealing with high anxiety is by use of an internal on/off switch, however Dr. Gold suggest using the 'dimmer switch' model, and thus learn to modulate emergency alert response incrementally, suggesting creating a "tool belt" of interventions that focus on sustained gains.
I found it immensely illuminating to know what was feeding the anxiety of a lifetime. The information has empowered me to risk actively seeking opportunities in new experiences of people, places and things to challenge and eventually depose those inner convictions that suggest certain things/experiences may potentially harm me.
This workshop helped to erase the remnants of guilt and shame, debunking the harmful notions of the fearful false self that lived within, liberating me from the sense of inner anxiety, which supported the core beliefs that I was 'bad' and therefore morally reprehensible. It restored hope for a peaceful and happy and fulfilling life.
This workshop experience provided the material needed to write the next chapter of recovery.
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