It's not all hunky dory in the Promised Land, but then again.....

after spending year after year trying to get to the bottom of my subconscious agenda, i have finally arrived at a point where there has been a great deal of enlightenment regarding my motivations, and the sense of 'me' that had been contrived over the years.


now that the day of reckinong has come and gone, i find myself, not with the peace that i imagined would be found, but with an underlying anxiety, that seems to stem from the fact that i no long feel driven by any type of motivation at all.


this feels so foreign, and so scary to me. it feels as if there IS no me anymore.


and the days hours and minutes are excruciatingly painful to appear in, because i have no prior experience of living so fully present. i want to run away from the screaming silence, but my prophetic song 'dark canyon' echo's it truth: my green eyes seeking better places, saw before them empty spaces when i arrived'. nothing entices me or fills me anymore. i am empty.


i used to preoccupy myself with so many agendas: concern about food, self-medicating activities and behaviors, self-actualization, opinion, morality....you name it, i learned to use anything i could to keep the motion of self in fast forward trajectory, living on any other plane than that of the here and now.


now i am just 'here'. in the middle of a desert.


yet, lo and behold, i find...... i am not alone.


more later......but for now, back to pondering

just getting the word out

ok now you know where i stand....big surprise, huh?

People Kick Part II

i have been thinking about this, and becoming more and more annoyed that something has a hold on me which i cannot seem to shuck off. this tendency to fall into paralysis mode, as if i was the subject of everyone else's preoccupation.

where is the disconnect? why did i go that way instead of the opposite, which would have meant that others would be the focus of my concern. it feels as if i got stuck in some narcissistic loop at some point in my life, and have not been able to break free.

then i measure myself by others stature; i look at all those people who went on to construct lives that seem to be centered on remedial solutions for the issues that are of concern to the general population; lives that are lived to sate the suffering of others, rather than prove their own self worth.

i feel, once again, that i have not connected with the heart of existence, and have been left on the sidelines, watching from the wings the marvelous human drama in which all the others are active participants, all the while jerking off in the shadows.

i, i, i, i, i.

that seems to be my life. and i am sick of 'i' driving.

i guess at this point it does not matter so much if this is a result of having been abused, the fact remains, that it is what it is.

this week i have had an incredible urge to cast off the world of technology and cyberspace, and reconnect with the substance and clay of the material world. the air and water and the glass and the rock of living. to get the hell out of the mirror of self, and seek value in living outside the box of computer and tv, and any other external 'thing' that i use to continually reinforce the current version of myself.

then, i ask, 'who' is the me that needs to do this, and what pupose would it serve? just to lead me to another version of who 'i' is? all control tactics.

or maybe not, maybe it would be an attempt to experience the authentic me that i compromised years ago prior to labeling persons places and things, assigning them specific significance.

i think i am beginning to dismount my high horse these days, and following my desire to find a place in the anonymity of the masses. i guess that would really be noplace, and that is really a scary thought to this 'ron', the one whose self-worth had tied up all his life in the desire to be separate and unique.

I'm On a People Kick (Not as in "kick people")

you may have noticed, i've been doing a lot of thinking lately about my relationship to people, and wondering why i am stuck there as opposed to engaging in relationships with people.

since i took classes and joined my church participating beyond mere attendance by helping to greet, tearing down afterwards, helping with the social........ and on and on.....same record, different side stuck focusing on my relationships 'to' people.

as i type this, i recall the scripture story of martha and mary, and how martha was always busy, busy busy, buzzing around like annoying bee, while mary just hung around, much to martha's dismay.

i am beginning to realize what a 'martha' my social character is. why do i always have to be working in some role, giving service. why can't i just fall in with the rest of the crowd and just 'chill'.

i am terrified to enter a room of people, because in spite of the presence of others, i feel as if i am the subject their attention, and it burns my spirit. and i also feel the opposite: that i am invisible. at the same time, both of these?

how did i ever get polarized between these two opposite end poles. i feel frozen in between, smack dab in the middle of the magnetic pull.

i remember this in kindergarten, being frozen and almost unable to move. i remember in elementary school being in the classroom terrified that the teacher would call on me and draw attention to my presence in the room. i could not get past my fear to answer questions correctly. in the school yard, same thing: everyone grouped together and played their games, while i stood on the sidelines.

my job is perfectly suited to my disposition: i am a music director, and as such, i am rarely 'on the team' and always the leader. if i am not in control of public situations, acting in some role, i am paralyzed.

this has been all my life, and i tried to deny it by hiding behind my service.

does anyone else feel alone in a crowded room? is this from abuse, or just a character trait? it feels awfully wrong.

NO! Sarah Palin!!!!

from the human rights campaign: