you may have noticed, i've been doing a lot of thinking lately about my relationship to people, and wondering why i am stuck there as opposed to engaging in relationships with people.
since i took classes and joined my church participating beyond mere attendance by helping to greet, tearing down afterwards, helping with the social........ and on and on.....same record, different side stuck focusing on my relationships 'to' people.
as i type this, i recall the scripture story of martha and mary, and how martha was always busy, busy busy, buzzing around like annoying bee, while mary just hung around, much to martha's dismay.
i am beginning to realize what a 'martha' my social character is. why do i always have to be working in some role, giving service. why can't i just fall in with the rest of the crowd and just 'chill'.
i am terrified to enter a room of people, because in spite of the presence of others, i feel as if i am the subject their attention, and it burns my spirit. and i also feel the opposite: that i am invisible. at the same time, both of these?
how did i ever get polarized between these two opposite end poles. i feel frozen in between, smack dab in the middle of the magnetic pull.
i remember this in kindergarten, being frozen and almost unable to move. i remember in elementary school being in the classroom terrified that the teacher would call on me and draw attention to my presence in the room. i could not get past my fear to answer questions correctly. in the school yard, same thing: everyone grouped together and played their games, while i stood on the sidelines.
my job is perfectly suited to my disposition: i am a music director, and as such, i am rarely 'on the team' and always the leader. if i am not in control of public situations, acting in some role, i am paralyzed.
this has been all my life, and i tried to deny it by hiding behind my service.
does anyone else feel alone in a crowded room? is this from abuse, or just a character trait? it feels awfully wrong.
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