People Kick Part II

i have been thinking about this, and becoming more and more annoyed that something has a hold on me which i cannot seem to shuck off. this tendency to fall into paralysis mode, as if i was the subject of everyone else's preoccupation.

where is the disconnect? why did i go that way instead of the opposite, which would have meant that others would be the focus of my concern. it feels as if i got stuck in some narcissistic loop at some point in my life, and have not been able to break free.

then i measure myself by others stature; i look at all those people who went on to construct lives that seem to be centered on remedial solutions for the issues that are of concern to the general population; lives that are lived to sate the suffering of others, rather than prove their own self worth.

i feel, once again, that i have not connected with the heart of existence, and have been left on the sidelines, watching from the wings the marvelous human drama in which all the others are active participants, all the while jerking off in the shadows.

i, i, i, i, i.

that seems to be my life. and i am sick of 'i' driving.

i guess at this point it does not matter so much if this is a result of having been abused, the fact remains, that it is what it is.

this week i have had an incredible urge to cast off the world of technology and cyberspace, and reconnect with the substance and clay of the material world. the air and water and the glass and the rock of living. to get the hell out of the mirror of self, and seek value in living outside the box of computer and tv, and any other external 'thing' that i use to continually reinforce the current version of myself.

then, i ask, 'who' is the me that needs to do this, and what pupose would it serve? just to lead me to another version of who 'i' is? all control tactics.

or maybe not, maybe it would be an attempt to experience the authentic me that i compromised years ago prior to labeling persons places and things, assigning them specific significance.

i think i am beginning to dismount my high horse these days, and following my desire to find a place in the anonymity of the masses. i guess that would really be noplace, and that is really a scary thought to this 'ron', the one whose self-worth had tied up all his life in the desire to be separate and unique.