after spending year after year trying to get to the bottom of my subconscious agenda, i have finally arrived at a point where there has been a great deal of enlightenment regarding my motivations, and the sense of 'me' that had been contrived over the years.
now that the day of reckinong has come and gone, i find myself, not with the peace that i imagined would be found, but with an underlying anxiety, that seems to stem from the fact that i no long feel driven by any type of motivation at all.
this feels so foreign, and so scary to me. it feels as if there IS no me anymore.
and the days hours and minutes are excruciatingly painful to appear in, because i have no prior experience of living so fully present. i want to run away from the screaming silence, but my prophetic song 'dark canyon' echo's it truth: my green eyes seeking better places, saw before them empty spaces when i arrived'. nothing entices me or fills me anymore. i am empty.
i used to preoccupy myself with so many agendas: concern about food, self-medicating activities and behaviors, self-actualization, opinion, morality....you name it, i learned to use anything i could to keep the motion of self in fast forward trajectory, living on any other plane than that of the here and now.
now i am just 'here'. in the middle of a desert.
yet, lo and behold, i find...... i am not alone.
more later......but for now, back to pondering
1 comment:
hmmm.... you know, i find life very empty like that if i'm not filling it with the "next" thing to look forward to. the next holiday, the next family dinner, the next vacation. but i've come to realize that for me, this is what i like about life... is it just a different perspective? probably not. you are destined to live on a much deeper plane than most of the rest of us. i do appreciate when you share pieces of the journey though.
prayers and blessings to you...
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