pesky retirement

i am just beginning to taste the drudgery of excessive leisure time. chances are any of us who make it to the point of 'retirement from', must needs have a plan for 'retirement to' to take its place.

even tho i am not fully retired, my job only requires about 15-20 hours each week of physical presence on the job. now, to be sure, i invest more as i am so inclined in developing creative aspects of it, but my input beyond the required time is self-determined. if i am feeling creative on a particular day, i may decide to spend time expanding on my usual investment. it pretty much goes with what i am in the mood for. i kinda like that. it does not have me rolling in dough, but i made a decision when i relocated back to my hometown pittsburgh, that would not get involved in work that would put my life in overdrive. if i wanted to, i could build up a clientele of private students which would completely diminish the level of flex time i currently have, eliminating the pleasure and leisure for reflecting on the role of the sexual abuse in my life, and how it had led me to construct myself ostensibly.

i think that having all this headspace is what many people will have to deal with in retirement.

what is retirement? most of my life i had thought of it as a time where i would just cruise around the world sipping martini's and gazing into grand canyons. but then as i got older and the reality of economic issues came to the fore, i soon realized that retirement would more or less be a pretty vacant lot.

and in my current semi-retired state, as i choose not to be overly preoccupied with activity that would distract and further disenfranchise me from my coming to terms with my inner world, i am getting hit real hard with the brickbat of the past, and being forced to disengage from obsessive compulsive behaviors and processes which kept me from developing greater knowledge of my own life motivations.

often times, that means resisting the the tendency to flee the indicting oracle of the moment, and allow myself to just bask in the glory of the untainted blistering here and now.

often times, i have to impede the fear of the future as it casts its shadow over everything. then i simply return to the knowledge that there will come a time, if i am kept alive, that my physical and mental disintegration will bring me to a moment when i will no choice but to face all the truths i wish to flee from today.

so, i ask, if not now, when?

and in the meantime, i am looking for things to do that will work in harmony with my desire to stay connected to the eternal vacancy of now. engage in a craft. reinforce my self-discipline as i advance thru the degrees of karate. try to balance eating well with treating myself to not so healthy delectables. commit some of my free time to the work of an organization that gives service to others.

retirement will be a chapter i hope to be ready for. and i hope others who enter this domain continue to share their experiences and show the rest of us how ease-fully it can be done.