The Things I Cannot Change

i've noticed recently that all through my recovery i've heard and read much about 'boundaries', 'boundary issues', 'lack of boundaries', 'in/appropriate boundaries' etc.

but lately, i've been thinking more about limitations, not so much in the sense that they are related to boundaries, but in the sense that they are not related to boundaries. that the idea itself has a different shade of meaning for me.

not to seem sacraligious to the guys and gals who worship at the feet of st. bill w, [ah c'mon it's joke...poke-poke] but i guess if i rewrote the serenity prayer, it might say:

grant me the serenity to accept my limitations,
the courage to create boundaries,
and the wisdom to know the difference.

what i mean is mostly acceptance of the limitations of myself, and those of others. i'm speaking less specifically of acceptance, and moreso pointing to the notion that the idea of limitations can be further unpacked.

in light of the most recent realizations i've had stemming from the pondering of shame, questions have come up for me about how i managed to miss recognizing the value of understanding my own limitations.

for instance, having constructed a life out of the substance of having being born and bred in the odeur of toxic shame, it occurs to me, that i missed noticing my own limitation because i bought into the solution that i could be anything that i wanted to be if i wanted it bad enough.

with that thought as primary motivation, i proceeded to to invest tons of money time and psychic energy into constructing a person that, miles down the road of recovery, was a person i truly was not created to be.

in other words, i did not have the form and substance in my psychic dna to become that end result that i targeted for myself.

sure, i created boundaries for myself, and honored those of others, but i failed to recognize that the world of possibility was not infinite. being so overfocused on my own goals, i missed a lot of opportunity along the way to smell the roses of empathy and compassion, since i had turned all of my life into an opportunity for proving that i was just 'as good as the next guy'.

unfortunately, i had quantity all mixed up with quality, and uniqueness confused with specialness.

well i am at a crossroads now that enough light has escaped inward to reveal this little nugget of truth, and i find myself wondering in my new recovery era of honoring limitations, learning at any given moment to be satisfied with my allotted portion: where do i go from here?

i certainly don't think i have solved the riddle of my limitations, and i don't think that that could happen as long as i get up every morning and immediately go into robotic mode.

robotic mode for me is waking up, turning on the computer getting a cuppa joe and hanging out on the web. this is beginning to feel like a trap, a limitation of sorts, but one that i have the power to remove.

i wonder if i have the courage.......

as i was thinking about all of this, i thought it would be interesting to make a commitment to spend a day, say a 24 hour period, not engaging in any type of computer or tv activity.

is that a scary thought or what?

if i did that, i would have to do something else instead, or not do anything else instead.

i don't know how to live outside my routine. i mean i know i could but i fear trying.