Fitting In

i do have a lot to say about this subject of 'trying to fit in', and you may be sorry that you asked. i have actually spoken about it in a couple of places on this discussion board.

i have a couple of different theories about why this is.

first of all, it seems that there is an issue within you that is longing to be addressed; a need for resonance, consolation and emotional support. we all need that, that's why we're here.

but this need, while indeed universal, will not be met for each of us in the same way. why? because we are complex human beings who, because of our wiring, are very biased and therefore limited in the ways that solutions may impact us. we hear only what reinforces something we already believe, much in the same way that we see only that which we already recognize as apparent forms already existing within ourselves.

the 'fitting in' difficulty comes because of the scripts that are installed in early development periods that become more or less blueprints from how we continue to seek out relations though our lifespan.

for many of us who are survivors, and particularly in cases where we have not had success in resolving the issues that grow out the original lousy blueprint models, there is a tendency to become more isolated as time goes on, simply because those blueprints are not effective as plans for engaging and intersecting with others.

when i think of what i means 'to fit in' i have to also think about it in two directions: one, what are my presumed expectations for fitting in, and two, what are the conditions for that to take place.

considering point one, what do i expect to get out of being able to see myself as 'one who is fitting in'. how will i know i am in fact fitting in at all? i think the answer to that is simply, when i feel a sense of fulfillment, a sense that i am a viable factor contributing to the healthy function of some 'machine' greater than myself, when my sense of purpose is being fulfilled by my involvement in relationship to and with something, then i am comfortably fitting in. i am 'home'.

regarding point two, what are the conditions for fitting in to take place? diarmuid o'murchu states in 'quantum theology' that the attraction and interaction that characterizes many relational modes suggest that all relationships happen within a system or network of influences. what i interpret that to mean is that in order for me to find others to qualify as relational partners for satisfying the need to fit in, i must seek them within my own fields of interest.

the fields of influence are like electromagnetic fields that serve to attract and organize wave particles into certain realms of belonging. and if that is true on the physical plane, it must be true on the invisible mental and emotional plane as well. talents, ideas, emotional schemas, are all made of energy, and they are all residing in their own realm of influence, gravitating magnetically in a sense toward similar forces.

in order to build relationships, there must be some type of relationship with the object or person i am attempting to navigate towards. shared interests such as hobbies, ideals, etc are fields that have the power to attract people to each other. people's bonding galvanizes to the extent that these explicit characteristics emerge from and resonate with similar implicit values existing in both subjects involved.

using survivors as an example [no one in particular], person one [me] is single male homosexual formerly married with grown children, abides by a less is more mentality, has always lived and thought 'outside the box' of traditional heterosexual values, is open minded about some things most others find taboo, will find it challenging to find resonance and deep friendship with others who are repelled by such character.

person two identifies as heterosexual, is married, struggles with homosexual feelings, is a business professional who has not disclosed to anyone outside their recovery circle, is highly invested in self-image, and fears the loss of everything should they be 'discovered', out of self protection, would most likely avoid seeking deep relationships with others who would not resonate or intersect with their sphere of influence, and who may expose them to a vulnerable state.

so you can see there is nothing wrong with 'you'. there are many factors that rule you out as potential 'fitting in' material. what needs to happen is that a plan needs to be devised for establishing yourself in relationship to/with some/thing/one.

but in order for these relationships to bond and blossom, they must be approached with a clear understanding of the motivating causes for seeking them out in the first place. speaking of my own circumstances, because my early bonding needs were left unmet in the formative years, i was stuck there until i learned how to get the needs met from other sources. i was so starved for love all my life because i didn't get it from my primary nurturers, that i looked for it in all the wrong places. in doing so, i wanted to believe so desparately that is was fitting in, but soon enough, i realized i was just using all those things as replacements in an attempt to fill that deep void.

so last year, when i had that realization, i started on a quest to begin to resolve that need once and for all. that was when i joined the mcc church and began to develop a bond with an entire community of people. i realized that if i went there looking for romance, that my fixation would not be addressed and healed, but only sated, and that eventually, i would be left where i started, still hungry for love, and looking to have it fed, rather than healed. so i decided to focus on and explore the root causes.

remarkably, over the year + that i have been involved with the community, though participating in worship, social activities, helping with the food bank and fundraisers, that hole has been filled, and i no longer feel the need to 'fit in', but rather, that in fcat, I DO 'fit in'!

that settled, i am finally able to move on, and now my next 'thing' is to try to cultivate personal relationships and find ways to 'fit in' to friendships, but those too must be approached as stated above, by finding others who share fields of interest, and in that way expand my horizons of belonging.

i realize that since i have found a place where 'like' feels at home with 'like' there is so much potential for more growth. i no longer need to be over focused on my onw brokenness, since i have experienced mendedness. being validated and appreciated has helped me learn to care more about others, and has opened me up to ask how can i help them to better feel the safety of 'fitting in'.