On Social Connections

justscott inspired this post, and i wanted to include it here as my commentary on the topic of social connections and how they occur and develop.

i see social connections as a matter of simple progression [clarification: my post is NOT referring to romantic relationships specifically, but rather any relationship in general, although the explanation works for both]:

inspection, affection, connection [then later defection, or rejection ]

and yes, like layers of the onion, each stage has its criteria that are satisfied before moving deeper to the next level.

inspection: you meet a person. something about one another attracts each to the other. there is a taking and a giving that occurs. an exchange of psychic currency. as you deepen communication, an assessment process is taking place that is subconscious, and it is a barter system. at some point, if someone begins to realize that their needs and expectations are not being realized, the potential electromagnetism fizzles out for one party or the other or both. lots of judgment going on at this phase. is this person trustworthy? can they serve MY purpose for this engagement? can i serve THEIR purpose for this engagement? in this phase something beyond the subjects is making the connections happen. the pair is 'us'd' by the principle of connection working beyond them both. you probably can verify this looking back on you experience with your wife and how this preliminary stage progressed. as soon as one begins to control the process by anticipating meeting the imagined the needs of another by projecting their ideal onto them, the relating loses its ground, as individual control usurps the creation of the relationship from the hands of the connection principle.

what is the 'electromagnetic' material constituting this clairvoyance drawing the individuals into this field of commonality? it may be a magnetism that emanates from their values system as a field of influence drawing one to the other. and in the initial phase of connection, there is a sorting/sifting process occurring that keeps the subjects engaged in this process that is 'us-ing' them. and the process continues until the attempt to recognize resonant values pans out or dissolves, at which point phase two is entered.

before moving on, it is important that one thing must be understood about the 'inspection' phase. and that is what the magnetizing particles are essentially, that attract people like magnets into the field of influence in the first place. are they strongly psychological, emotion, physical, or a combination of all of them? for myself, what has impeded me from deepening intimacy, is the fact that my emotional needs are so much greater than the other person's. as in the inspection phase, i tend to project an unintegrated ideal onto them, and my interests seem to attempt to color them as the answer to my needs, and this bias factors into the inspection phase, albeit subconsciously. unbeknownst to me, i begin to secretly assess determinations as to whether or not they are going to be friend worthy in the first place, and worthy of the energy investment.

my initial attachment imprinting didn't take place during the regular course of development, so my emotional needs far eclipse those of potential friends, who perhaps managed to proceed developmentally to the point where their needs rested more in the field of special interests, such as grew out of their own resources and talent DNA. in that sense, i am more like the interrupted child trying to strike up friends with adult people whose need sets are advanced to a different realm.

this needs a lot more reflection, but it is the cause that i believe, for my own lack of bonding ability. and even as i intersect with other people with whom i share similar realms such as recovery people, i find there are still too much diversity of interests and values, that impede me from connecting with them. there are so many fields of influence at play: ageism, sexuality, career, economic status, personal values system.... it is truely rare that people, especially the older they get, will make the connections that were made in earlier times of their life, when the magnetic fields of influence has far fewer factors interfering with the unification/connection process.

what i understand for today, is that if i can learn to connect in higher realms, then chances are i will meet and begin to resonate, with more frequency, others who share the magnetism of specific fields of influence. in order to make healthier connections, i needs to resolve earlier unmet emotional needs. the big problem for me: i've gotten used to being alone, and i kinda like it, and i am not sure i want the 'bother'. that is where i need to do a lot of my work.

affection: this is the next layer of the onion. since initial connections have assessed and projected a positive potential for fruitful future exchanges, then the practicum period is entered and bonds are strengthened thru the practice of shared mutual experience.

connection: it happens and is only questioned when the values specific to each individual show themselves to be at odds with the other.

defection: happens when insurmountable stumbling blocks [usually 'blockheadedness'] occurs and the synthesis of contrasting values becomes improbable, or compromise is impossible.