Wow is all I have to say. I feel like I'm really being thrown under the bus in my new work as keyboard consultant at Guitar Centers. Yesterday I finished the initial training, got walked through a checklist of steps necessary to begin working on the floor. I have to mention that I feel much smaller today than I did yesterday, now that I am more aware of all the things that I DON'T know. I know I'm not supposed to compare my insides with anyone else's outsides, but invariable it is happening. Well, at least I am aware it is happening, and I have the option to choose to continue to let it fray me. Or I can allow my own dynamic frequency to shift along with the demanding challenge of a new way of being. This is after all what I was hoping for. That my own spiritual and psychic frequency would become modulated along more authentic lines.
I mean I am now in the land of badass dudes, a land that I previously avoided all my life. These guys are incredibly astute and knowledgeable about the materials they work with, and they are incredibly smart and street savvy as well. And I'm old enough to be the fathers, but here I am cast into the abyss of their hi-fi culture world, which feels more like sci-fi.
I love the fact that I am being thrust into this titllating and dramatic experience of learning a new way to interface with the public. I see all these guys being true to their passion of pursuing this dream, riding on the coattails of the output of the mighty brains that figure out how to manifest these incredible products which in turn afford humans the opportunity to celebrate their talents and realize their own manner of musical expression, bringing joy to the world, putting musical power into the hands of individuals, rather than a chosen few.
It is so contrary to the life I tried to force myself to fit into for so many years. The world of organized institutional religion. A world of hypocrisy and judgment; of deceit and adulation of and enshrinement of hetero-cultural values.
This sub-culture world is a phenomonal world that is anti-thetical to that world, and how they both co-exist is mind boggling. One hates the other, and the other could care less. And all the while, people are using the machinery created by the one to achieve the maximum amount of powerful spiritual expression which the other believes is within its power to dictate, dominate and control. Yes, indeed, the cathedral of musical expression has rocked the boat of the religious right, creating a world that truly unites people in the dimension of music, in a way the organized church could only dream of.
So I find myself at a crossroads. On one hand, I find I am frozen in a moment of hesitation: should I stay or should I go, can I really do this? Am I 'cut out' for it? Do I have what it takes to dedicate myself to the grind that this life demands. I mean after all I am no spring chicken, and this world seems best fitted for those who are. On the other hand, something in me wants desparately to answer all those questions with a resounding positive YES! To prove to myself while I have the opportunity that I am not so different from the others who have been giving the talent for cultivating an inborn gift/resource --- this penchant for artistic expression through music.
I have to stop looking at the glass half-full. I have to grab that phone when it rings and not worry about what I am going to say; be willing to say the wrong thing and be chided by my fellows for tripping over my own two feet, rather than always having to 'look like' I'm in control. I have to allow myself to takes risks, to not care if I succeed or fail, to walk into the fire and let it consume me. Will it hurt? Probably....but then again, what is the alternative? My life is not over yet. I have a lot more to give, and I'll be damned if I'll piss any more of it away on a career in church music that has only served to smother me and the rest of the world with its blanket of self righteousness and injustice.
1 comment:
so i'm reading and commenting one at a time here on monday morning. trying to stay up with the order of events.
i wonder, which one hates and which one could care less? i think i know the answer but am wondering about the perspective.
AND - it sounds exactly like you are neck deep in the imposter syndrome. remember that?
remember too then, that if the "job" comes too easy, it will bore you too fast. the fact that you are not the complete expert here before the end of the first week only proves that there is value to learn. and, definitely answer yes. to answer no at this stage of the game would be to respond out of fear.
think of the respect you will have for yourself when you take your rightful place along side these "experts" - who i suspect do not have more knowledge overall than you. they've just "specialized" differently.
i'll go read the next day now.
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