Well, so far, not so much.....but at least I did manage to get thru the whole list of stuff yesterday. Except did not take mom to the drs because she was a bit confused about when it was...seems not until december....ok!
For today I did not take sue to work, but rather opted to just hang around the house and see what I could get into. I need to fill out the membership application for AGO.
So, as these waiting days unfold, I find I am able to get in touch with my own sense of what makes me valuable in my own mind. By extension, it reveals the criteria on which I base my judgments of the value of others. Ouch! Herein, I find I am caught in this tension between the shame of 'being' valueless, and the hope of the possibility of learning some lesson that will lead me to some once-hidden knowledge which, once realized, will ferry me off to the next bright horizon of hope-filled potential. Ah! The land of platitude!
In all of this, I am finding that I am questioning my faith in a God who hears supplication, and supplies need. As I look around me, I see a grave chasm between those who 'have' [and seemingly effortlessly] and those who 'have not' [seemingly through no fault of their own]. Now there---see? That statement alone broadcasts an underlying belief that somehow 'having' is evidence of value.... a qualifier of worthiness. Who the fuck am I to decide what gives a person value or worth? Who am I to judge myself and being worthy or unworthy? How did I get there? And more importantly, what is the reality of the situation? What are the right perspectives and questions that I need to be aware of?
I guess someone might say "look to the bible", but I have been there, and beyond that, I have surrendered to an understanding that God has made and given me the temperment to respond to the experience of having been created, just in the manner in which I have responded......that I have been given my own unique set of circumstances which, in tandem with the utilization of given resources within the parameters of a given set of personal characteristics, have made choices [I agree some of them not so well informed], determined courses of action, motivated by hopes, dreams and visions---and who knows where they came from!? Someone may further say, that they came as a result of a particular mode of conditioning, combined with personal aspiration, based on my own particular survival needs, and even beyond that, my own need for verification, validation, and witness to my life as being one worth having been lived.
Boy I suck! If I am thinking this way about myself, I must be treating others according to this manner of perceiving.
I wonder if, at the age of 54, it's not too late to trade my mind in for a new model?
These are all questions I ponder as I sit in this limbo, this bridge, between who I once chose to be, and who I hope yet to be. The challenge for today: how is that to be determined (in my earlier years, that happened seemingly naturally) with the handicap of hindsight, and all of this present prejudicial pretext clouding my consciousness that did not exist 30 years ago?
No comments:
Post a Comment