since this i somewhat of a journal for me, i wanted to post what for me is a turning point in my recovery from the effects of incest/sexual abuse. this writing deals mainly with the incest from my brother, and not so much from the other rapes that took place outside the family. the pain that grew over the years was from never having any emotional support to help me get over the pain. the family in which i experienced the abuse could not deal with its own grave sense of shame.
at any rate, as i looked at isolation 1 , and isolation 2, as a big factor contributing to my increased tendency to avoid others, and after posting about it, i immediately found respite from that which i've wrestled with all these many years. so i made this post in response:
friends, thank you all for your input in the topic. i found seeing the points of intersection in this concept to be an immense help in moving quickly beyond the pain that precipitated raising the question in the first place.
it was almost as if after years of gesticulating inside me, the moment i articulated the words of my post, the emotions that were behind them were born.
but my pain leading up to the birth of that isolation post was relieved once it was born. articulating the dilemma in words spelled it out in such away that gave me the closure i needed. i had spent days crying deep heaves of acceptance over the death-loss of my childhood dream-need for mother love. i wanted so desperately all these years to get back the wholesome family that was lost in disclosure of what my older brother did to 4 of his siblings so long ago.......and finally, though much trial and tribulation, the realization dawned on me, that my disclosure of his behavior years ago broke all ties/bonds with that family, and from then on, we would only be tied to each other through denial and deceit, and yes blood. but i had not realized that all these long years, and went on secretly loving /needing them, hoping, driven by a misguided need to mend the breach in the torn garment of a family system, by making up for it as i strove to prove myself worthy.
yes, it's over, and i am in the place where i am modulating back and forth, shifting in and out of anger and sadness, and i can finally feel the rallentando of the shift as this chapter finds its repose.
what a relief to know that in both my head and in my heart. what a relief to know that the rest of my life does not have to be lived in counterpoint to the experience of being born into a family in which circumstances arose to make me its lifelong victim. what a relief to not have to give a crap about them anymore. and what a relief to be able to remove the stumbling block that has stood in the way of making freer, wiser, and more honest choices for the way in which i will continue to spend the precious currency of ron in future chapters.
what i have come to understand from this, is that i may never find the true bonding i seek, but that if i ever give up on that my life will be over. it is the one thing that drives the forward trajectory of all life: the hope of bonding. seeing that resolves what was for me, for so many years a dilemma that was lived out in metaphorical relationships to false replacement matrices.
all the work i have done over the last year in participating in my mcc church group has not been for nothing. it has been the practicum for this great life's lesson, and has given me the strength to reach down inside and find the power i needed to take the risks of being vulnerable, to face the potential for rejection, and yes alternatively to open myself up to the possibility of acceptance and unconditional love, such as i would never have from my family of origin.
without that support, i could not have reached the conclusions and resolutions i have found for myself for today, and i just want to thank each and everyone of you for being part of the story; for helping me by sharing the best of your heart and soul, your love and wisdom, which is more precious as gold to me as it was born out of the crucibles of such deep pain and suffering from your own experiences with sexual abuse and assault.
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