the two posts i made yesterday, one looking at control, and the other on the unresolved post traumatic stress of growing up in our chaotic and dysfunctional incestuous family system really opened the aperture of my mind's eye full blast.
previously, i had been so intent on working to project the image of recovery perfection, that all my endeavors on recovery road focused on that end: maintaining the appearance that i was OK. the strides i made were more in terms of intellectual understanding of my pathology. that was not necessarily a bad thing, though. it was just the necessary path i had to take to get to the heart of the matter.
but now, with the recent work i have done exploring the roots of my own roadblocks to intimacy, and in tandem, taking into consideration the influences of unresolved early traumatic experiences, i now descend into the feeling level of recovery.
what a fantastic thing, to actually feel the effects of the fallout; to be the subject, and not just the passive observer commenting on the path----no, to actually be back in those moments, reliving the truth of the feelings, which were too strong and painful to accept at the time of the first exposure to the traumatic events.
what a freeing thing, to be able to see the angry furrowed brow of a stranger, and recognize the angry furrowed brow of a stressed out parent. to feel an imagined rejection as invalidation, and be catapulted into a depressive state with no explanation. now i know that every situation that arises to cause me stress and anxiety, is simply an echo of a former unresolved situation connected via emotional response and lineage to an earlier similar experience that was fraught with fear, and lacking the comforting reassurance of safety.
to feel that feeling of terror striking the heart as it rises to meet in the moment of now, but knowing that this time, i have options. that i can provide the reassurance i need to know that i am not trapped as i was then, with nowhere to run, forced to stay in place, powerless to defend myself. i no longer have to dissociate from the pain, merely because there is no apparent recourse.
these 'anchors' are everywhere in the psychic tapestry of my early life. and now i know their genesis, i can go back with this new flashlight, and discover them in all their little compartments and secret hidey holes. i can arrest them one by one, and remove the secret power they have held to tether me to them.
with this new knowledge in hand, i can eliminate all of the invisible automatic "NO's" that arise to inhibit me from reaching outside the bars of my own prison, when new person or situations are encountered, stirring old patterns of reactivity.
i don't have to flee or freeze any longer. i now have the power to stand ground, to confront and to fight if need be; to act in my own defense....... omg! what a responsibility! i have such little practice with that. what are the risks? will i be rejected, or respected? will i be destroyed, or will i prevail.
i must fight for the freedom, for release from the tethers of these emotional and psychological anchors.
i must, and i will be free of them; then, the true ron can emerge.