my concern when i first woke up this morning was the last thing that was on my mind before i closed my eyes in sleep last night.
fear
that is the first subject that presented itself to my consciousness. i wondered if i thought about it all night even as i slept.
isn't it funny? i wonder also how many other sleeping ideas are actively yet silently directing my life's path.
i think fear is my primary mode of being. of course i 'do' so many things which cover it up and keep me out of touch with it as my moments link from one to the next.
i am in a band and we practice at a place called 'the dungeon' a really grungy place where musicians and band members can rent out a space to rehearse. last night when i was going to use the 'facilities' i became overwhelmed by a sense of how fearful i was. fearful that i might run into another person on the way. fearful that when i got to the urinal itself, that someone else would be there. would i speak to them? would i just act like they were not there? would they speak to me? would they act as if i were not there? as i was standing there doing my thing, i was full of fear that someone would come in and need to use the area as well.
nothing happened. i was not necessarily relieved in that regard.
so as i walked back to the space, i started to look for patterns of fear in my life. where did this start? how long have been carrying fear of the moment around with me? all my life, i dare say.
i thought about growing up in my family, and how the family was controlled with an unspoken understanding that if you did not toe the line you there would be hell to pay. there was no discussion of any kind....you just knew that you did not question the system. that makes you walk on pins and needles. i mean who wants to get anyone pissed off at them, when they are already so starved for attention and affection. and who wants to have the shit kicked out of them. just stay out of the radar.
so anyway, back at rehearsal....as i was walking back to the space, i thought about how possibly unnatural it was to have the fears that i was experiencing. how limiting it was to have them. how they close the door on potential: the potential to meet and intersect with another consciousness. to experience a 'hit an run' opportunity to expand my spirit by virtue of having happily collided with another.
i think that that was one of the things that the incest took away from me. while giving me a whole lots of reasons to fear
+ rejection (my perp older brother after years of using me decided one day that he was over having sex with his siblings and that was that) today i seem to be tethered somehow to that moment of my life: and that was the ultimate rejection.
so now i realize that he was responsible for initiating me into two of the most powerful psychic experiences that a human could have: sexual initiation, and sexual rejection.... all within a period of about 7 years.
that was really a crucible for me, and as the days unfold for me, even 30 years later, i am beginning to see just how those essential experiences formed the ground upon which my entire perception would be shaped.
i am still uncovering more patterns as i begin to observe the many preferences that i seem to have (how did they get there?) and becoming more aware of the choices that either i avoided or just did not choose to make out of.....well, fear.
i hope that i can begin to make friends with my fear.
today, i have to take mom to her therapy as she recuperates from her second knee surgery in 6 months. doing so takes me out of my usual patterns and exposes me to people and situations that i would not normally encounter. so i get to observe my reactions to these experiences.
it should be challenging.
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