i am so glad this day is here. it is my 'rock' day. it will be fully focused on recovery and nothing else.
starting today at 9am i will participate in the healing circle. then since mom has no therapy scheduled, i will go over to uniontown early afternoon to be there for my monday night survivors of incest meeting without having to fight rush hour traffic.
recently i have been in such an odd place interiorly speaking. not odd in the sense that there is fear or tension involved. since i've stopped controlling all the aspects of my life that i had feared would damn me if i did them, i am finding that that is not the case. in repurposing alcohol and a little pot in my life [when practicing with the band] and allowing my self to numb out on substances [not blind, but measured and monitored self destruction] i am better able to ACCEPT my woundedness and get a more accurate picture of how the csa has impacted my life.
i spent my whole life constructing an ethic that would win me laurels in every situation imaginable for my own trajectory path.
i went through life feeling like crap and knew that indeed i was crap and that if only i spent 30,000 or more for the next level of education, that if only i got the next certification, blah blah blah, that finally i would be worthy. that got me through a large period of time, a chapter, when i was not ready to just fall into the not-so-cushy arms of deep and significant recovery. even after 23 years living clean from alcohol and drugs, obsessivly-compulsively dancing with food, it really did nothing for true self esteem, because the whole time deep within i remained unconvinced, and the sense that i was crap never went away. the truth is, i was still in denial and all my attempts at worthy-making was just like trying to build a bridge to the sun.
it was not until i risked letting go of all the things i had conjectured for my life as being for my highest and best good, that i was able to make some true progress.
that is, if you call groveling in the dust progress. because that's where i am at this moment in my life. any you know what, i don't mind it. i realize it is just a resting place along the way, and that i can't live here for the rest of my daze. the process keeps unfolding.
but the really odd thing is, had this been a year ago, i would have been in pure panic mode, like the steps under me were collapsing. well, in fact they are! but you know what? i don't care!? because i am surrendering to whatever will be, and i know that i am not gonna fall far from grace. that's what the 23 years of clean and 'sober' living gave me. determination and trust in my higher power.
fancy that, a lesson that took me 23 years to learn. and the funniest part of that is, that the best lesson to be learned still lies ahead in the future.
i am glad to be where i am today, because truthfully, i have no where else to go but into the void, the great unexplored frontier of my life.
i think i am pretty courageous to go there.
wow, did i just say that?
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