i have been noticing lately some shifts in behavior patterns in my life.
i used to be ultra obsessed about doing certain things a certain way such as making sure i put my keys in the same pocket, my cell phone in the other; the way i would shower, i would always follow the same routine; the odd thing about it is that i am forgetting to remember to maintain these scripted behaviors.
this articulates something of immense importance to me: that i am actually thinking about other things instead of compulsively watching myself to make sure 'i' am still intact.
it is wonderful to recognize 'me' in retrospect as acting differently than i 'normally' do.
i have also started doing some things that i would never have done before; these are not things that i am consciously cueing myself 'change your routine etc'. it just turns out, that i am doing things with much more ease than i previously had come to do them.
for instance, when driving my car, i take a different way than usual. i stop to observe and 'smell' the roses [ i can't remember when i was last present to the season of spring.... i usually get to summer and say 'damn, i didn't notice the changing buds and the flowers this year! crap!]
also , my eating habits are changing. maybe it's because i am spending more time on MS website, but whatever, i am just glad that i am not such a prisoner of my own habits these days.
and that reminds of a biggie for me: my sex life is changing too. i often forget to remember to masturbate according to schedule! LOL, and i have lost interest in surfing for porn.
i feel like somehow i lost 'weight' and my 'clothes' are fitting me better.
o, another thing i want to write down, is that this year after 23 years of abstinence in recovery from drug and alcohol use, i chose to bring them back into my life. i know, if you are in recovery from those, you are most likely picking up your jaw from the desk at this moment.
what happened for me sometime toward the end of last year, after prior to that, spending a year and a half examining my life, i resolved to confront this issue. i realized that after all these years [no doubt, ceasing obsessive compulsive use of these substances advanced my spiritual and emotional recovery] that i needed to find out who i am for today with those in my life. so i started drinking alcohol again, and recently, when practicing with the band, having a toke or two of pot.
the beauty of it all, is that it has been half a year now since i have been using alcohol again, and my life is not centered around its use. i really think that by brining it back into my life as a healthier person, i was able to break the circle. the monster that was in the closet has been unleashed and it turns out he is not what i feared he might be. i could not have done this before now.
so, now i am free to go about my life without this dread fear that i may someday fall off the wagon. i just jumped off, and waved it on into the sunset. no my life is not now as it once was, organized around the culture of booze consumption. i drink only at appropriate times.
so now the next step for me is this: explore not what 'alcohol did to me' but what being sexually assaulted did to me; how it impacted my life and drew me into the compulsions that resulted in multiple addicted personality [frugs, alcohol, food, sex, process addictions etc].
....stay tuned
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