for a fleeting moment i felt a bit tired to get involved in this group. the reason being that having 'done' many different recovery groups over the past 23 years, and even though i experienced much healing and recovery as a result [actually the world benefited the most i guess lol] i was weary of the hope filled anticipation that in the past had precipitated my involvement in the recovery for that particular issue. i got swept away.....another jones: getting swept away.
so chalk up process addictions as just another attempt to avoid the pain of the effects of my early abuse.
what trucker51, mark said in response to one of my messages gave me pause and helped lead me to a whole new set of questions:
Quote:
Some of that is aging, some of it is progress in recovery. Some of it might be ADD. I loose my keys almost everyday even though I almost always put them in the same place.
upon reading that it dawned on me that i possibly overlooked the possible physical component, the ADD. and on closer introspection i realized all my life has been an attempt to 'work on issues' that 'i' thought were pertinent. even though throughout the recovery years, i had worked intermittently with therapists on a short term basis, i was unaware at the time of my therapeutic course that i had my own diagnostic agenda subconsciously working beneath the surface. a big piece of my disease is to live inside my own head, diagnose my own problems, provide my own solutions [ i think the 'silence' mandate did that to me]...... and the whole time, i was missing the whole point! the point being that what made me develop this 'problem solving approach' to the puzzle of 'me' was really all due to the effects of having been sexually abused.
here all along, i was thinking, i was sexually abused, but...... i am also 'alcoholic.....oh, yes now add 'compulsive overeater to the list.....now add process addict.....now add workaholic..... boy, 'i' had better buck up and take care of all these 'isms' of mine, so i can be thought of in the best light. and underneath it all, the subtext silently screamed :
' i'm a good boy, citizen, son, parent, employee.... i am, i really really am!'
ok, so back to the drawing board. back to recovery in its purest motives. back to dealing with the main thing that left me in the state i'm in.
i am not really 'looking forward' to this new leg of my recovery journey, at least not in the sense that i anticipate a result. this time around i will not have an 'end-gaining' mentality as i work toward recovery. i will put my recovery in the hands of someone with more experience than i, and climb fully inside the boat, instead of attempting to walk on water along side it. _________________________
- the musical me
- what happened
- inspiration: headless way
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