Power, Control and Synthesis

lately i have been noticing at the self-center that dots are being connected and parallels are being drawn around these issues.

my head is finally connecting to my heart particularly around the issue of control in my life, how the power of control has dominated my life, and how the dynamic energy of my emotions seem to factor into the dance that happens when these two collide.

the light bulb moment occurred for me the other after having written in my blog about a past experience of someone who had the power to control my destiny, a former employer. after i puked out my wrath into the blog i stood back from it and realized that all the nasty comments i made about how he was driven in all of his action and behaviors by the need to bolster his self image, and how he would go to any lengths to do so, it dawned on me that that in fact was how i lived my own life, and knew at that moment, that i was truly talking about myself. i had been aware for a long time that i was image driven, but reading someone else thru the same filter, i had to stop and say to myself: well, how exactly have you arrived at this determination? did you further investigate these claims you are making, or are you in fact just juding him using the senate in your own head to draw the same conclusions? ouch! while, i may have been correct about his motivation, after all, what struck me as most important is that tendency to justify my own bitterness by projecting my own motivations onto him.

as it turned out, i went back and erased that blog entry the next day, out of a sense that the whole thing was just unfounded. what i recognized in this whole process is that what i was really pissed about was the fact that this man had power over me to make determinations about me, and to make decisions that could determine the course of my tomorrow. i mean, after all, there are a whloe lot of eggheads in the world, but they have no relation to me as far as they have no power to impact or limit my capacity for self-determination. and i have no opinions whatsoever about them or their proclivities.

do you see the connection between that and sexual abuse? it started to become very clear to me. memories of moments past where i felt threatened that my power would be taken from me, where i feared my own potential would be threatened or derailed, i reacted in the same way, bitter, vengeful, angry, and with tendency to flight, rather than fight. isolation makes so much more sense to me now.

the other issue that colluded with this one helping surrey me down the path toward greater understanding and enlightenment of this particular issue in my life, was the recent dating experience that i had.

i met a person thru match.com. after exchanging a few emails and speaking with him on the phone a few times, we met on wednesday for a light dinner. after that we went across the street to enjoy a couple of libations while talking about the past, and just stuff in general, nothing really specific.

i felt him to be a very easy person to talk with, and noticed that i was hyper aware of any red flag statements that might creep out as blatent or unguarded 'oops-es', but the only thing that i noticed was tendency to just keep the conversation flowing. there were no heavy topics discussed, no religion, no politics, just alot of 'stuff', and it was mostly about him.

i did enjoy the company, and i genuinely liked him as a person. he did not use off colored language in the course of normal conversation, did not speak ill of others. when it was over, we walked to my car and i then drove him to his. when he got out he asked if he could kiss me, and i thought ok, no problem, i would welcome that and even enjoy a nice good evening kiss [it had only been 4 years since i last kissed anyone]. but i was really shocked when he went in for something that was a bit more passionate than i thought was appropriate for the occasion. so what did i do?

nothing.

i just let it occur, and did nothing to either encourage nor discourage it, but my lack of enthusiastic participation certainly did not prolong it.

i was a bit chagrined to say the least, and while i did not think it was necessarily a 'deal breaker', it did make me wonder if he was in the same 'moment' that i was. from what i have learned in the past about moments like these, is that they are indeed the ones that determine our future. i say this because the past two relationships that i got into in the 90's lasted 5 years each, but they were essentially built on a moment such as this, where after spending only a little bit of time together, a decision was made to build a life on a such a kiss.

now i have no experience with confrontation, but i have leared to confront once i have withdrawn, and then later established a position of power from which to reengage. and i was making myself ready to bring up the issue in subsequent opportunities.

so my guy sends me a text that evening thanking me. the next morning on his way to work he calls me. i don't pick up. i later text him back. he calls me again later that afternoon, but i can't pick it up because i am work and in the middle of a conversation. so later i call him back, and he does not answer. i got home from work and then as i am going to bed for the night at 11pm the phone rings; i don't answer. 5 minutes later the phone rings again. i don't answer. the next morning i listen to the messages, and they are both him, and he sounds a bit tipsy.

i am starting to feel creeped out. he calls me on the way to work and i answer this time, and he asks me if i want to come over his house and watch the opening of the olympics. i say i am not sure at this point if i will be free or not. [ i did not go, but i emailed him to let him know that i would be preoccupied with a few other things that evening]

can you see my point? i am willing to build intimacy and trust with another person, but this seems too much too soon. i know i need to say that to him and i will, but i wanted to write about it in relation to my control issues, and the frustration and fear that overwhelms me at times when i feel that my space is being invaded.

i am just happy to report that i notice it and that i noctice the similarities to these issues as they have arisen in the past, no matter who the cast of characters have been at any given time over the years of my life.

what is most important about this realization is that i no longer have to let my fear of being overpowered determine my course of action from moment to moment. i can make the connections necessary for understanding my options, and reassure myself that this situation is not the situations where i was sexually abused by my brother, raped at knife point by a stranger, bullied by stressed out parents.

it feels very good to have gained understanding of things which had previously kept me chained to involuntary knee-jerk reactions that would only serve to limit the freedom to unfold as i was intended.