thing #1 is, that, after enduring 2 knee replacements since november, my 79 yo mother, just this morning, left her life and home in pittsburgh, to go and live with my brother and his family in sand diego. this is a tough transition, especially because of the longstanding undercurrent of tension that existed over the years after my disclosing my deceased brother's serial sexual abuse of 4 of the 8 of my brothers and sisters.
thing #2 is that she is leaving after our yearly family reunion was held on sunday afternoon. we have been doing this same family reunion in the same grove at the local park for a coupla decades, and it involved my family [which started out as 10] and my dad's only brother's family, my uncle and their 5 kids. we were just starting our own families at the time. since then i have seen so much dying in my family, and yet, so much new life. all the patriarchs are gone now, and we have taken their place. each year we would hold it, and everyone would try to make it home for the event. i went through a period where i could not be with my family for a few years due to extenuating circumstances, so this is the first one i was able to attend for about 6 years. everyone has gotten so old.
as i left the picnic, i went home and realized how ashamed i was deep down inside about who my family was. i am not sure why i had felt that way. i think i always wanted to be 'better' than who we are. i was always ashamed of our poverty, our lack of culture. i don't know where or at what moment in my life when those values became a factor in my own evaluation system. after allowing myself to admit this, i then had a good cry and realized how much i loved my family and extended family, warts and all. but i am still stuck at seeing how or why i would judge them so unworthily.
was it just because of a personality proclivity to be judgemental? or was it perhaps a way i could rationalize my anger for what happened to me as a result of being 'of it'. was my judging it was just a rationale for separating myself from it in reaction to the abuse that i endured as a member of it? a big part of me wants to throw myself into this group of people that i disenfranchised myself from, immersing myself in them, as i am of them, at least biologically through blood lines.
there is so much beneath the surface here, and i am feeling a bit overwhelmed at my own reaction to the feelings that have washed over me in the intersecting planes of these two recent events.
thing #3: after andy [come back!] posted a thread about on-line dating i thought i would give it a try, and went to match.com to throw my hat into the ring. see what it would be like just to meet others for interesting conversation, share a meal. the first person to contact me was a real card. we ended up exchanging a couple emails til he commented, in response to my reporting that my sex drive was in park these days, that i just needed a good lay. wtf? how dare you be so disrespectful? what is it with gay men and sex? i am really not trying to stereotype all gay men here. i can only comment on those who hold themselves up for public view in chatrooms and dating websites. i mean, most want to date some 15 years younger than they are, but are not willing to date anyone over their own age. that's real depth! then they have photos of themselves nude from the waist up, as if they were taking their own picture during a webcam session. HELP!!!!!!!
another guy emailed me, and we are going to get together for coffee/tea/not me on wednesday. we talked on the phone a bit today. he seems nice, and more than likely is nice, but he loves to talk about himself. i don't know that it will be a good connection, but i am keeping an open mind. no, really, i am.
so there it is, what's been triggering below the surface over the past couple of days, stirring up the mud. i'm trying not to identify too much with the thoughts that are arising with the emotions. just trying to acknowledge them, then the next job will be to sort them out! jeez, it never ends.
_________________________
- the musical me
- what happened
- inspiration: headless way
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