stalled in a moment of time

tinman, i can relate to the sense of feeling stalled.

this is the greatest challenge i face at this point of my life. i feel that in retrospect, i have reached the close of a long journey that began as an ascent up to the apex of a grand mountain, and ended in a return to its summit: a metaphor for my life, up to this moment. the journey traversed the linked moments of time, ordinal, and measured.

after having realized this dream, i now find that i am in search of a new ethos in my life, and one that does not include, nor will it allow, escape into the polarizing activity of obsessive compulsive behavior, of food, tv, sex, drinking and all the rest; circular behaviors that keep me spinning like a top in space and time.

the gears are down shifting in my life now; actually my entire life force is in park postion. in contrast to that previous chapter, my life now is to be an advent. a period of waiting. its lesson will balance out the over-arching trajectory of its previous chapter. my new challenge in this chapter is to traverse a desert wilderness. much less exciting than the busy, activity driven, anxiety filled moments of the mountain challenge.

in this chapter i will become ron, the human being, here, now, present, shedding the driven nature of ron, the human doing, striving for happiness and completion in some future arrival.

i am still waiting...........

and as i wait, i do so, captive to the polarizing tension that holds me present between the sense of being at the ready point for beginning a significant relationship with another person who is also at the ready to begin a significant relationship, and having to deal with the fact that we have not yet been brought into each other's life at this point in time.

but looking closely, i am able to admit that, in fact, i do already have such a relationship in my life, and it is the one i have with myself. that is most likely the most significant relationship that i can ever have with a living person. all other relationships will be extensions of that one, and if they do not contain the seed for such potential, then perhaps they are simply better left untried. at this point of my life, i do not have time nor the energy to carry the baggage of long term mistakes.

so i continue to wait. but not to hope, because hope seeks to induce a product in some future moment. to conjure up a happening that will be as contrived as a strategy designed to declare a victory that will be realized in some future now.

so for today, i don't try to make things happen. i just try to notice what is attempting to arise out of the angst and the pathos inherent in the tension of resisting the tendency to act for the sake of acting.

today i am seeking to incorporate new patterns of thought and behavior that were prior to any fabricated wants or desires.

i am still waiting for the information to be revealed. and as i wait, i try to allow myself to be a vessel for containing the emptiness, fully charged with the joy of anticipation and resting in the assurance that things are unfolding as they are intended.