Tired of feeling Separate and Unlinked

dan's post on struggling triggered me a bit [in a good way i guess] to ponder a few things about my life.


i have been in this transitional period for a long time now, where i kinda feel as if i am somewhere between definite and delusional.

part of me wonders if it is just a combination of the sexual abuse and having a gay orientation, but recently, i have been realizing that there has always been a disconnect between me and the worlds that i live in.

i just came in from the front porch and was hypnotized by the beautiful gentle rainfall. i was thinking about my life [i live with my sister and her husband; their two daughters are grown and one is in the navy and the other is getting ready to go back for her junior year in college], and what i was thinking about in particular was the sense that even tho i am loved by my sister and her family, i am acutely aware the feeling that i have of always being on the outside looking in.

it was like that in my family after i disclosed the abuse. it has always been like that in my career as a gay catholic church musician.

i am deeply longing to feel psychically connected to some puropse beyond myself, such as the second person in a partnership, or a community where i do not have to hid 90% of who i really am.

i keep looking high and low for the missing link, and i think that is it. i do remember when i was quite young, feeling that sense of connection and repose in the family system. but since the abuse i have found no place to call home, and that has been reflected in my own inner wanderlust. throughout my life, i have had to compartmentalize and portion myself out in increments and only as it related to the set of circumstances of a particular moment.

i wonder if 'straight' people feel that disenfranchisement within themselves? i am sure they do to some degree, we all have to on some level; i just goes with being human. but how many have to conceal their very essence? no this culture is built around the assumption of hetero orientation, and the rest be damned who don't subscribe to that mindset.

i am glad that i have been taking steps to make connections to others recently.

i have started dating, and i plan to join the local gay men's chorus this year. i still have to close off parts of myself in my work persona, but if a job opportunity would come my way that would relinquish me from the career i have tried to leave so many times before, but feel compelled to remain in, well i would surely take it.

the silver lining in this dark cloud is that at least once i join the chorus and keep on dating, then at least a greater percentage of my life will be 'connected' or linked to communities which i identify with, and that are larger than just me.

the only places i can be fully myself, are with my children, in the band, and in my head.

i think my desert wandering will find its oasis as i begin to become involved in organizations larger than me; places where i don't have to keep on apoligizing or fearing that i will not be accepted unconditionally for who and what i am.

i am sick of just being tolerated, and having to just keep quiet about everything. i am tired of this big invisible hand covering up my mouth.