Day 4 in retirement ... who am I????

Sc/een.e from a Balcony 2-4-25 7:45am

 

Another calm morning in the Northside of town ..... it's not seen here, but there is an overlay of fog covering the park.  I stepped out onto the balcony to grab the shot in bare feet, which my neuropathy loved.

What's new?

Yesterday a string broke on Destiny,  my Dusty Strings 34. I heard the sting 'pop" and knew immediately what happened ... IYKYK, as a harp owner. Despite keeping the humidifiers hovering around 45%, it makes sense that this is likely to occur; the thing that is worth mentioning is that this is the first broken string on Destiny since I got her in November of 2022. She was my first harp, and has been very stable so far. Let's just hope this is not the start of a trend. 

Habit Extinction 

A study was done on  based on a Harvard Report that genes can be altered to affect the brain's wiring to lead to extinction of programming circuity that preserves habitual behavior. 

 It's fascinating to know that it's possible to elicit genetic change over a 6 week period with consistent, intentional, and focused rehearsal of new behaviors to overwrite the existing brain circuitry that holds the programming intact, and creates autopilot, or habitual behaviors, which are "doing something without thinking about it or without making an effort", which leads to mindless engagement with the present moment. 

So how does this relate to the question "who am I"?  Employment habits structured my autopilot behaviors and gave form and structure to my existence. The appointments of the day provided impetus to 'go through the motions' of being me, and dictated the course of the day. Now that is gone, and with the absence of structure my identity, I find myself in a situation where I find myself standing "in the middle of the floor, not going left, not going right" (from the song "Losing my Mind" from the show 'Follies'). The song itself doesn't demonstrate how autopilot is in effect for me, but the freeze response identified in the context of losing orientation is relatable. 

Fortunately I had a prepared list of things "to do" for the day, which included eating up 3 hours waiting on hold to speak with customer service reps to inquire about continuing the forbearance period on my student loans. Since I retired, so many financial issues have swooped in to grab my attention, which smashes any automatic patterns that might have otherwise emerged to seize the moment and direct behavior toward some alternative object of motivation  .... which was absent in the vacuity of habituated activity.

This may seem quite innocuous to others, but it's a very real predicament I find myself in at this stage of life and as a consequence of retirement. 

For today, the plan is to spend a hour or two or three practicing (depending on my vitals and how much energy is available), and to head over  for off-boarding to close the loop on my job with CWC. 

 

So what's next, next?

The plan going forward to is figure that out, one day, one hour, one minute at a time, and that will be continued in another post.