it has gotten so difficult lately to get through the day. ever since my final awakening to the fact that all my self-medicating behaviors were masking the real issues that were driving my life. i can't even bring myself to engage in them anymore, and since they are not there to distract me, all i can feel is the raw pain.
it's a new level of recovery for me, but it really hurts, and there is nowhere to run or hide anymore. time is my supreme enemy.
'i' is dying. and 'i' does not like it one iota.
blah.......
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Monday, July 14, 2008
jottings #11
ah that charlie hayes is an awesome guy. it's hard to believe he is so sincere, but after checking him out for a couple of week's now, i have come to trust him. and what he says is such a welcome message.
you can see him on youtube sharing an understanding rooted in hindi philosophy [but with a twist], or at his website where you can listen for free to his telephone conferences that he has recorded with real 'seekers'. he expects nothing in return.
he has made one of his messages available for mp3 download 'you are that'
if so inclined check him out and let me know your thoughts/opinions.
ron
you can see him on youtube sharing an understanding rooted in hindi philosophy [but with a twist], or at his website where you can listen for free to his telephone conferences that he has recorded with real 'seekers'. he expects nothing in return.
he has made one of his messages available for mp3 download 'you are that'
if so inclined check him out and let me know your thoughts/opinions.
ron
_________________________
- the musical me
- what happened
- inspiration: headless way
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
jottings #10
lately, i am slowly and surely drifting away from the need to glomb on to the recovery model.
after exploring the idea of narcissism upon reading a post by magraith
on the subject of sociopathic narcissism , i came to realize that there is a bit of the tendency in me [we all lie somewhere along the spectrum from sociopathic selfishness to sociopathic selflessness, but i think most of us lie somewhere in the synchristic balance between the two]. i could even pinpoint ways in which i have subconsciously used my friends in order to sate my egoistic needs. i felt ashamed for that. but i am not stuck in shame, it was healthy, because it led me to a new understanding of my own self-seeking behaviors, and brought me a a little closer to resolving the duality that is permitted to reign within, causing me to exist is several locations at once!
so one thing led to another, i can't remember the steps of my explorative process how i got from narcissism to non-dualism, but i did nonetheless and i came upon a rabbit hole that led me into a marvelous new realm of exploration.
they say when the student is ready the teacher will appear. and i am so ripe for this challenge. having been a seeker all my life, i really feel it has nothing to do with the abuse.
so there it is.
anyway in my adventure for exploring the topic of non-dualism ensued, i first came upon the advaita vedantablog when i saw the title it reminded me of the first time that i had actually heard about it: in joni litchell's album 'mingus' when it came out years ago, mingus was discussing it on the 'record' [yes, the days of 'records' and record players!] at the time i had been into reading about the akashic records and other 'new age' ideas. had tried transcendental meditation, zen, delved into chakra theory, kundilini energy etc. my interest in attaining higher stages of consciousness was very strong in the late teens and early 20's.
then the effects of the abuse started to kick in and led me to deny my true nature and brought me to the place where i became married, i walked away from my interest in eastern disciplines, and got plugged into western religion and born again christianity, had an emotional experience and came to believe that that was what it was all about. in the process i came to identify more and more with my own mind, my own ego, and all of its investments in cause and effect. this created a great deal of unbalance and tension in my inner world. but i do honor this part of my process. walking this path helped me to encounter the healing segment of my journey so that ultimately i could be brought back to unificity.
here are a couple of other awesome teachers that i have stumbled across over the past few days while exploring the comprehension of myself as 'present awareness':
if interested check out
http://www.advaita.org/
and here is a place where you can listen to ideas that emerge from vedanta for free [imagine that!]
http://www.theeternalstate.org/
well, if you need me you know where i'll be.....
ron
after exploring the idea of narcissism upon reading a post by magraith
on the subject of sociopathic narcissism , i came to realize that there is a bit of the tendency in me [we all lie somewhere along the spectrum from sociopathic selfishness to sociopathic selflessness, but i think most of us lie somewhere in the synchristic balance between the two]. i could even pinpoint ways in which i have subconsciously used my friends in order to sate my egoistic needs. i felt ashamed for that. but i am not stuck in shame, it was healthy, because it led me to a new understanding of my own self-seeking behaviors, and brought me a a little closer to resolving the duality that is permitted to reign within, causing me to exist is several locations at once!
so one thing led to another, i can't remember the steps of my explorative process how i got from narcissism to non-dualism, but i did nonetheless and i came upon a rabbit hole that led me into a marvelous new realm of exploration.
they say when the student is ready the teacher will appear. and i am so ripe for this challenge. having been a seeker all my life, i really feel it has nothing to do with the abuse.
so there it is.
anyway in my adventure for exploring the topic of non-dualism ensued, i first came upon the advaita vedantablog when i saw the title it reminded me of the first time that i had actually heard about it: in joni litchell's album 'mingus' when it came out years ago, mingus was discussing it on the 'record' [yes, the days of 'records' and record players!] at the time i had been into reading about the akashic records and other 'new age' ideas. had tried transcendental meditation, zen, delved into chakra theory, kundilini energy etc. my interest in attaining higher stages of consciousness was very strong in the late teens and early 20's.
then the effects of the abuse started to kick in and led me to deny my true nature and brought me to the place where i became married, i walked away from my interest in eastern disciplines, and got plugged into western religion and born again christianity, had an emotional experience and came to believe that that was what it was all about. in the process i came to identify more and more with my own mind, my own ego, and all of its investments in cause and effect. this created a great deal of unbalance and tension in my inner world. but i do honor this part of my process. walking this path helped me to encounter the healing segment of my journey so that ultimately i could be brought back to unificity.
here are a couple of other awesome teachers that i have stumbled across over the past few days while exploring the comprehension of myself as 'present awareness':
if interested check out
http://www.advaita.org/
and here is a place where you can listen to ideas that emerge from vedanta for free [imagine that!]
http://www.theeternalstate.org/
well, if you need me you know where i'll be.....
ron
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
jottings #9
the day spent away from pittsburgh yesterday was very soothing. i just hung around the beautiful knobs and hills of western PA. saw a movie 'get smart' and went to the meeting at mt macrina. here is a view of the surrounding area from the mt macrina retreat campus where the meetings are held:
i actually lived and here for a year back in 1999 while finishing my bm in organ and sacred music. it is kind of an urban area with a lot of historic interest, george washington and all..... lots of caves for spurlunking and rivers for white water rafting and trails for walking. gorgeous and natural and peaceful.
================
ah yes the meeting last night was very well attended and it was incredible. the palpable presence of everyone's hp is inspiring and peaceful and healing and reassuring. one of the topics that came up was on acceptance, just what i needed, since i have been working on this for the past couple of weeks.
this recovery chapter feels so unlike what i had come to understand recovery to mean for the past 23 years.
my first foray into recovery was in aa. then i got into oa, and attended a few isa [at the time it was called incest survivors anonymous], but my main interest was stopping compulsive drinking. i was willing to go to any lengths to do so, and the meetings and the slogans and the recovery culture kept me afloat. little did i know for the past 23 years, that i was in it for the wrong reasons. i was in it to make me feel good about myself; to alleviate my guilt and make myself more socially acceptable subject. little did i realize that all i was doing was an attempt to deny and erase the shadow cast on me by my early experiences with being sexually abused: first by my older bro, and when raped on 4 separate occasions while in the navy, once with a knife at my neck. i was using 'sobriety' for the wrong reasons, and so i did not achieve any significant recovery. yes i learned to let myself cry, and i worked the steps, but i was never brought to the place where i could stop blaming myself, and as a result, my whole recovery became an act of continued self-victimization.
what makes this all so surreal, is that for today, each time that i encounter words and cliches in recovery literature that used to have certain meaning and significance, i find that those understandings not longer apply. i no longer look for evidence of self-verification and affirmation in them. now i find that i am looking for real meaning: trying to allow the words to strike a chord in me that i am out of touch with. i need guidance in order to allow that to happen. and i am getting it with the group i am affiliated with. this is recovery unlike what i have experienced it to be in the past.
something in me is making me over in such a way that is not 'end gaining' oriented, but rather process oriented. my ego is not in the drivers seat this chapter. this is scary, and exciting at the same time. but the scary-ness is not rife with tension and anxiety. i think at this point, this chapter in my recovery, my life, i am finally beginning to take the first step.
i actually lived and here for a year back in 1999 while finishing my bm in organ and sacred music. it is kind of an urban area with a lot of historic interest, george washington and all..... lots of caves for spurlunking and rivers for white water rafting and trails for walking. gorgeous and natural and peaceful.
================
ah yes the meeting last night was very well attended and it was incredible. the palpable presence of everyone's hp is inspiring and peaceful and healing and reassuring. one of the topics that came up was on acceptance, just what i needed, since i have been working on this for the past couple of weeks.
this recovery chapter feels so unlike what i had come to understand recovery to mean for the past 23 years.
my first foray into recovery was in aa. then i got into oa, and attended a few isa [at the time it was called incest survivors anonymous], but my main interest was stopping compulsive drinking. i was willing to go to any lengths to do so, and the meetings and the slogans and the recovery culture kept me afloat. little did i know for the past 23 years, that i was in it for the wrong reasons. i was in it to make me feel good about myself; to alleviate my guilt and make myself more socially acceptable subject. little did i realize that all i was doing was an attempt to deny and erase the shadow cast on me by my early experiences with being sexually abused: first by my older bro, and when raped on 4 separate occasions while in the navy, once with a knife at my neck. i was using 'sobriety' for the wrong reasons, and so i did not achieve any significant recovery. yes i learned to let myself cry, and i worked the steps, but i was never brought to the place where i could stop blaming myself, and as a result, my whole recovery became an act of continued self-victimization.
what makes this all so surreal, is that for today, each time that i encounter words and cliches in recovery literature that used to have certain meaning and significance, i find that those understandings not longer apply. i no longer look for evidence of self-verification and affirmation in them. now i find that i am looking for real meaning: trying to allow the words to strike a chord in me that i am out of touch with. i need guidance in order to allow that to happen. and i am getting it with the group i am affiliated with. this is recovery unlike what i have experienced it to be in the past.
something in me is making me over in such a way that is not 'end gaining' oriented, but rather process oriented. my ego is not in the drivers seat this chapter. this is scary, and exciting at the same time. but the scary-ness is not rife with tension and anxiety. i think at this point, this chapter in my recovery, my life, i am finally beginning to take the first step.
Saturday, June 28, 2008
jottings#8
i am so glad this day is here. it is my 'rock' day. it will be fully focused on recovery and nothing else.
starting today at 9am i will participate in the healing circle. then since mom has no therapy scheduled, i will go over to uniontown early afternoon to be there for my monday night survivors of incest meeting without having to fight rush hour traffic.
recently i have been in such an odd place interiorly speaking. not odd in the sense that there is fear or tension involved. since i've stopped controlling all the aspects of my life that i had feared would damn me if i did them, i am finding that that is not the case. in repurposing alcohol and a little pot in my life [when practicing with the band] and allowing my self to numb out on substances [not blind, but measured and monitored self destruction] i am better able to ACCEPT my woundedness and get a more accurate picture of how the csa has impacted my life.
i spent my whole life constructing an ethic that would win me laurels in every situation imaginable for my own trajectory path.
i went through life feeling like crap and knew that indeed i was crap and that if only i spent 30,000 or more for the next level of education, that if only i got the next certification, blah blah blah, that finally i would be worthy. that got me through a large period of time, a chapter, when i was not ready to just fall into the not-so-cushy arms of deep and significant recovery. even after 23 years living clean from alcohol and drugs, obsessivly-compulsively dancing with food, it really did nothing for true self esteem, because the whole time deep within i remained unconvinced, and the sense that i was crap never went away. the truth is, i was still in denial and all my attempts at worthy-making was just like trying to build a bridge to the sun.
it was not until i risked letting go of all the things i had conjectured for my life as being for my highest and best good, that i was able to make some true progress.
that is, if you call groveling in the dust progress. because that's where i am at this moment in my life. any you know what, i don't mind it. i realize it is just a resting place along the way, and that i can't live here for the rest of my daze. the process keeps unfolding.
but the really odd thing is, had this been a year ago, i would have been in pure panic mode, like the steps under me were collapsing. well, in fact they are! but you know what? i don't care!? because i am surrendering to whatever will be, and i know that i am not gonna fall far from grace. that's what the 23 years of clean and 'sober' living gave me. determination and trust in my higher power.
fancy that, a lesson that took me 23 years to learn. and the funniest part of that is, that the best lesson to be learned still lies ahead in the future.
i am glad to be where i am today, because truthfully, i have no where else to go but into the void, the great unexplored frontier of my life.
i think i am pretty courageous to go there.
wow, did i just say that?
starting today at 9am i will participate in the healing circle. then since mom has no therapy scheduled, i will go over to uniontown early afternoon to be there for my monday night survivors of incest meeting without having to fight rush hour traffic.
recently i have been in such an odd place interiorly speaking. not odd in the sense that there is fear or tension involved. since i've stopped controlling all the aspects of my life that i had feared would damn me if i did them, i am finding that that is not the case. in repurposing alcohol and a little pot in my life [when practicing with the band] and allowing my self to numb out on substances [not blind, but measured and monitored self destruction] i am better able to ACCEPT my woundedness and get a more accurate picture of how the csa has impacted my life.
i spent my whole life constructing an ethic that would win me laurels in every situation imaginable for my own trajectory path.
i went through life feeling like crap and knew that indeed i was crap and that if only i spent 30,000 or more for the next level of education, that if only i got the next certification, blah blah blah, that finally i would be worthy. that got me through a large period of time, a chapter, when i was not ready to just fall into the not-so-cushy arms of deep and significant recovery. even after 23 years living clean from alcohol and drugs, obsessivly-compulsively dancing with food, it really did nothing for true self esteem, because the whole time deep within i remained unconvinced, and the sense that i was crap never went away. the truth is, i was still in denial and all my attempts at worthy-making was just like trying to build a bridge to the sun.
it was not until i risked letting go of all the things i had conjectured for my life as being for my highest and best good, that i was able to make some true progress.
that is, if you call groveling in the dust progress. because that's where i am at this moment in my life. any you know what, i don't mind it. i realize it is just a resting place along the way, and that i can't live here for the rest of my daze. the process keeps unfolding.
but the really odd thing is, had this been a year ago, i would have been in pure panic mode, like the steps under me were collapsing. well, in fact they are! but you know what? i don't care!? because i am surrendering to whatever will be, and i know that i am not gonna fall far from grace. that's what the 23 years of clean and 'sober' living gave me. determination and trust in my higher power.
fancy that, a lesson that took me 23 years to learn. and the funniest part of that is, that the best lesson to be learned still lies ahead in the future.
i am glad to be where i am today, because truthfully, i have no where else to go but into the void, the great unexplored frontier of my life.
i think i am pretty courageous to go there.
wow, did i just say that?
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
jottings #7
well i have not written in my little journal for a few days because i have been very busy with things and have not have the time to focus my thoughts.
last time it wrote i was anticipating my attendance at a not so local survivors of incest anonymous meeting. i made the 1+ hour drive to uniontown and attended the meeting. it was a small meeting, but it felt so right to be there. i remember that in my early recovery days, i actually went to a couple of incest survivors meetings in the mid 80's but that was before they changed the name from Incest Survivors Anonymous to Survivors of Incest Anonymous [circa 1988].
after 23 years of recovery programs i know the drill at this point. but i have to say that this organization is truly one that feels like 'home' to me. the literature is set up like aa's but it does not have the same tone to it; it feels less judgmental somehow. here they are:
ADAPTED 12 STEPS of SIA
1. We admitted we were powerless over the abuse, the effects of the abuse and that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a loving Higher Power, greater than ourselves, could restore hope, healing and sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of a loving Higher Power, as we understood Her/Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves, the abuse, and its effects on our lives. We have no more secrets.
5. Admitted to a loving Higher Power, to ourselves, and to another human being our strengths and weaknesses.
6. Were entirely ready to have a loving Higher Power help us remove all the debilitating consequences of the abuse and became willing to treat ourselves with respect, compassion and acceptance.
7. Humbly and honestly asked a loving Higher Power to remove the unhealthy and self-defeating consequences stemming from the abuse.
8. Made a list of all the people we may have harmed (of our own free will), especially ourselves and our inner child, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would result in physical, mental, emotional or spiritual harm to ourselves or others.
10. Continued to take responsibility for our own recovery and when we found ourselves behaving in patterns still dictated by the abuse, promptly admitted it. When we succeed, we promptly enjoy it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with ourselves and a loving Higher Power as we understood Her/Him, asking only for knowledge of Her/ His will for us and the power and courage to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other survivors and practice these principles in all our endeavors.
i met some really cool people there, and it was awesome to hear them share their stories. the group was excited to have a new 'brother' in their family. wow, that seemed just right for them to put it that way. we also discussed the possibility of my starting a meeting in the pittsburgh area, which i definitely am interested in doing. i want to get my feet wet in the program first.
one of the gals who has been involved at the intergroup level made some very cool ceramic purple hearts which she gave me, and i put it on my keyring.
last time it wrote i was anticipating my attendance at a not so local survivors of incest anonymous meeting. i made the 1+ hour drive to uniontown and attended the meeting. it was a small meeting, but it felt so right to be there. i remember that in my early recovery days, i actually went to a couple of incest survivors meetings in the mid 80's but that was before they changed the name from Incest Survivors Anonymous to Survivors of Incest Anonymous [circa 1988].
after 23 years of recovery programs i know the drill at this point. but i have to say that this organization is truly one that feels like 'home' to me. the literature is set up like aa's but it does not have the same tone to it; it feels less judgmental somehow. here they are:
ADAPTED 12 STEPS of SIA
1. We admitted we were powerless over the abuse, the effects of the abuse and that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a loving Higher Power, greater than ourselves, could restore hope, healing and sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of a loving Higher Power, as we understood Her/Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves, the abuse, and its effects on our lives. We have no more secrets.
5. Admitted to a loving Higher Power, to ourselves, and to another human being our strengths and weaknesses.
6. Were entirely ready to have a loving Higher Power help us remove all the debilitating consequences of the abuse and became willing to treat ourselves with respect, compassion and acceptance.
7. Humbly and honestly asked a loving Higher Power to remove the unhealthy and self-defeating consequences stemming from the abuse.
8. Made a list of all the people we may have harmed (of our own free will), especially ourselves and our inner child, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would result in physical, mental, emotional or spiritual harm to ourselves or others.
10. Continued to take responsibility for our own recovery and when we found ourselves behaving in patterns still dictated by the abuse, promptly admitted it. When we succeed, we promptly enjoy it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with ourselves and a loving Higher Power as we understood Her/Him, asking only for knowledge of Her/ His will for us and the power and courage to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other survivors and practice these principles in all our endeavors.
i met some really cool people there, and it was awesome to hear them share their stories. the group was excited to have a new 'brother' in their family. wow, that seemed just right for them to put it that way. we also discussed the possibility of my starting a meeting in the pittsburgh area, which i definitely am interested in doing. i want to get my feet wet in the program first.
one of the gals who has been involved at the intergroup level made some very cool ceramic purple hearts which she gave me, and i put it on my keyring.
Monday, June 23, 2008
jottings #6
i have my first sia meeting this evening. i emailed the moderator of the group to introduce myself and she sent me instructions for how to proceed, enter the building etc. i have also been in contact with the point person for the sia website, and he said that she is very well involved in the organization on the intergroup level.
for a fleeting moment i felt a bit tired to get involved in this group. the reason being that having 'done' many different recovery groups over the past 23 years, and even though i experienced much healing and recovery as a result [actually the world benefited the most i guess lol] i was weary of the hope filled anticipation that in the past had precipitated my involvement in the recovery for that particular issue. i got swept away.....another jones: getting swept away.
so chalk up process addictions as just another attempt to avoid the pain of the effects of my early abuse.
what trucker51, mark said in response to one of my messages gave me pause and helped lead me to a whole new set of questions:
upon reading that it dawned on me that i possibly overlooked the possible physical component, the ADD. and on closer introspection i realized all my life has been an attempt to 'work on issues' that 'i' thought were pertinent. even though throughout the recovery years, i had worked intermittently with therapists on a short term basis, i was unaware at the time of my therapeutic course that i had my own diagnostic agenda subconsciously working beneath the surface. a big piece of my disease is to live inside my own head, diagnose my own problems, provide my own solutions [ i think the 'silence' mandate did that to me]...... and the whole time, i was missing the whole point! the point being that what made me develop this 'problem solving approach' to the puzzle of 'me' was really all due to the effects of having been sexually abused.
here all along, i was thinking, i was sexually abused, but...... i am also 'alcoholic.....oh, yes now add 'compulsive overeater to the list.....now add process addict.....now add workaholic..... boy, 'i' had better buck up and take care of all these 'isms' of mine, so i can be thought of in the best light. and underneath it all, the subtext silently screamed :
' i'm a good boy, citizen, son, parent, employee.... i am, i really really am!'
ok, so back to the drawing board. back to recovery in its purest motives. back to dealing with the main thing that left me in the state i'm in.
i am not really 'looking forward' to this new leg of my recovery journey, at least not in the sense that i anticipate a result. this time around i will not have an 'end-gaining' mentality as i work toward recovery. i will put my recovery in the hands of someone with more experience than i, and climb fully inside the boat, instead of attempting to walk on water along side it. _________________________
for a fleeting moment i felt a bit tired to get involved in this group. the reason being that having 'done' many different recovery groups over the past 23 years, and even though i experienced much healing and recovery as a result [actually the world benefited the most i guess lol] i was weary of the hope filled anticipation that in the past had precipitated my involvement in the recovery for that particular issue. i got swept away.....another jones: getting swept away.
so chalk up process addictions as just another attempt to avoid the pain of the effects of my early abuse.
what trucker51, mark said in response to one of my messages gave me pause and helped lead me to a whole new set of questions:
Quote:
Some of that is aging, some of it is progress in recovery. Some of it might be ADD. I loose my keys almost everyday even though I almost always put them in the same place.
upon reading that it dawned on me that i possibly overlooked the possible physical component, the ADD. and on closer introspection i realized all my life has been an attempt to 'work on issues' that 'i' thought were pertinent. even though throughout the recovery years, i had worked intermittently with therapists on a short term basis, i was unaware at the time of my therapeutic course that i had my own diagnostic agenda subconsciously working beneath the surface. a big piece of my disease is to live inside my own head, diagnose my own problems, provide my own solutions [ i think the 'silence' mandate did that to me]...... and the whole time, i was missing the whole point! the point being that what made me develop this 'problem solving approach' to the puzzle of 'me' was really all due to the effects of having been sexually abused.
here all along, i was thinking, i was sexually abused, but...... i am also 'alcoholic.....oh, yes now add 'compulsive overeater to the list.....now add process addict.....now add workaholic..... boy, 'i' had better buck up and take care of all these 'isms' of mine, so i can be thought of in the best light. and underneath it all, the subtext silently screamed :
' i'm a good boy, citizen, son, parent, employee.... i am, i really really am!'
ok, so back to the drawing board. back to recovery in its purest motives. back to dealing with the main thing that left me in the state i'm in.
i am not really 'looking forward' to this new leg of my recovery journey, at least not in the sense that i anticipate a result. this time around i will not have an 'end-gaining' mentality as i work toward recovery. i will put my recovery in the hands of someone with more experience than i, and climb fully inside the boat, instead of attempting to walk on water along side it. _________________________
- the musical me
- what happened
- inspiration: headless way
Sunday, June 22, 2008
jottings #5
yeah, so i did all that stuff i said i was gonna do. it all went very well. the funeral, the rehearsal, the evening service. came home had something to eat. funny about eating lately. i have been noticing that i feel full only after a few bites. so my stomach hurts, cause i just kept on putting it in, till it was gone. the odd thing is, it was not even all that much. maybe it's age-ing, maybe it's just i am becoming more in touch with what my body is telling me. interesting.... now i guess i could just stop once i began to feel full, but then i'd have to pack up the leftovers and send them off to china, or risk the eternal fires of hell for wasting food. well, i'll probably go for gluttony anyway. hahahaha. i really used to buy into all that crap. it was part of the life of my conscience. i guess i don't have that conscience anymore......boy what a relief that is!
news on other fronts; i googled sia groups and found one in uniontown, about an hour south of pittsburgh. that's a lot of gas, but looks like i'll be heading south on monday night to attend the meeting of survivors of incest anonymous. well, i guess i'm not anonymous anymore, and have not even started. hahaha! i never was good at my own anonymity. shame one me! oh, nevermind, forget that!
so i am a bit excited to begin to meet others in the flesh who share my own particular brand of this disease. it is starting to sink in more and more, that i am not going to graduate from this. i have to surrender to the truth that i have this des-ease in my spirit and emotions, and nothing can cure it, only treat it. and the treatments must needs last til the day i die.
news on other fronts; i googled sia groups and found one in uniontown, about an hour south of pittsburgh. that's a lot of gas, but looks like i'll be heading south on monday night to attend the meeting of survivors of incest anonymous. well, i guess i'm not anonymous anymore, and have not even started. hahaha! i never was good at my own anonymity. shame one me! oh, nevermind, forget that!
so i am a bit excited to begin to meet others in the flesh who share my own particular brand of this disease. it is starting to sink in more and more, that i am not going to graduate from this. i have to surrender to the truth that i have this des-ease in my spirit and emotions, and nothing can cure it, only treat it. and the treatments must needs last til the day i die.
_________________________
- the musical me
- what happened
- inspiration: headless way
Saturday, June 21, 2008
jottings #4
yesterday went fine. no fear! i spent a bit of time at work making a few phone calls, and practicing for a recital that i will give in october.
when my sister came home from work she asked me if i wanted to join her at the local casino, and i went but told her that i did not have the funds to burn, so i just hung out with her as she burned hers.
those casinos are not as intimidating as i could make them out to be. people who are there are pretty much focused on their own agenda, whatever is drivng them to be there. they actually seem very robotic. i hate large crowds of people, but in this case it is not all that bad since no one is really paying attention to anyone else. it's a perfect social situation in my opinion. LOL
you don't have to find a corner to hide in, because you can stand in the middle of the room and be invisible.
came home listened to a wendy waldman cd that i recently obtained from amazon.com. it was one of those ones that came out on tape, before cd's became popular, called 'letters home'. it was released on cd somewhere along the way, but i was not into updateing my taped collection to cd. i think it is her best work, and after all these years, my enjoyment of the music on this cd has not waned. maybe i'll start a thread about that.
at any rate, my day today is going to be packed.
+ funeral to play this morning
+ band rehearsal at noon
+ evening service to play at the church
then back home to let out the birds [i guess some poeple let out the dogs, i let out the birds], check out the ms site. sounds like a plan. later
when my sister came home from work she asked me if i wanted to join her at the local casino, and i went but told her that i did not have the funds to burn, so i just hung out with her as she burned hers.
those casinos are not as intimidating as i could make them out to be. people who are there are pretty much focused on their own agenda, whatever is drivng them to be there. they actually seem very robotic. i hate large crowds of people, but in this case it is not all that bad since no one is really paying attention to anyone else. it's a perfect social situation in my opinion. LOL
you don't have to find a corner to hide in, because you can stand in the middle of the room and be invisible.
came home listened to a wendy waldman cd that i recently obtained from amazon.com. it was one of those ones that came out on tape, before cd's became popular, called 'letters home'. it was released on cd somewhere along the way, but i was not into updateing my taped collection to cd. i think it is her best work, and after all these years, my enjoyment of the music on this cd has not waned. maybe i'll start a thread about that.
at any rate, my day today is going to be packed.
+ funeral to play this morning
+ band rehearsal at noon
+ evening service to play at the church
then back home to let out the birds [i guess some poeple let out the dogs, i let out the birds], check out the ms site. sounds like a plan. later
_________________________
- the musical me
- what happened
- inspiration: headless way
Friday, June 20, 2008
jottings #3
i have been noticing lately some shifts in behavior patterns in my life.
i used to be ultra obsessed about doing certain things a certain way such as making sure i put my keys in the same pocket, my cell phone in the other; the way i would shower, i would always follow the same routine; the odd thing about it is that i am forgetting to remember to maintain these scripted behaviors.
this articulates something of immense importance to me: that i am actually thinking about other things instead of compulsively watching myself to make sure 'i' am still intact.
it is wonderful to recognize 'me' in retrospect as acting differently than i 'normally' do.
i have also started doing some things that i would never have done before; these are not things that i am consciously cueing myself 'change your routine etc'. it just turns out, that i am doing things with much more ease than i previously had come to do them.
for instance, when driving my car, i take a different way than usual. i stop to observe and 'smell' the roses [ i can't remember when i was last present to the season of spring.... i usually get to summer and say 'damn, i didn't notice the changing buds and the flowers this year! crap!]
also , my eating habits are changing. maybe it's because i am spending more time on MS website, but whatever, i am just glad that i am not such a prisoner of my own habits these days.
and that reminds of a biggie for me: my sex life is changing too. i often forget to remember to masturbate according to schedule! LOL, and i have lost interest in surfing for porn.
i feel like somehow i lost 'weight' and my 'clothes' are fitting me better.
o, another thing i want to write down, is that this year after 23 years of abstinence in recovery from drug and alcohol use, i chose to bring them back into my life. i know, if you are in recovery from those, you are most likely picking up your jaw from the desk at this moment.
what happened for me sometime toward the end of last year, after prior to that, spending a year and a half examining my life, i resolved to confront this issue. i realized that after all these years [no doubt, ceasing obsessive compulsive use of these substances advanced my spiritual and emotional recovery] that i needed to find out who i am for today with those in my life. so i started drinking alcohol again, and recently, when practicing with the band, having a toke or two of pot.
the beauty of it all, is that it has been half a year now since i have been using alcohol again, and my life is not centered around its use. i really think that by brining it back into my life as a healthier person, i was able to break the circle. the monster that was in the closet has been unleashed and it turns out he is not what i feared he might be. i could not have done this before now.
so, now i am free to go about my life without this dread fear that i may someday fall off the wagon. i just jumped off, and waved it on into the sunset. no my life is not now as it once was, organized around the culture of booze consumption. i drink only at appropriate times.
so now the next step for me is this: explore not what 'alcohol did to me' but what being sexually assaulted did to me; how it impacted my life and drew me into the compulsions that resulted in multiple addicted personality [frugs, alcohol, food, sex, process addictions etc].
....stay tuned
i used to be ultra obsessed about doing certain things a certain way such as making sure i put my keys in the same pocket, my cell phone in the other; the way i would shower, i would always follow the same routine; the odd thing about it is that i am forgetting to remember to maintain these scripted behaviors.
this articulates something of immense importance to me: that i am actually thinking about other things instead of compulsively watching myself to make sure 'i' am still intact.
it is wonderful to recognize 'me' in retrospect as acting differently than i 'normally' do.
i have also started doing some things that i would never have done before; these are not things that i am consciously cueing myself 'change your routine etc'. it just turns out, that i am doing things with much more ease than i previously had come to do them.
for instance, when driving my car, i take a different way than usual. i stop to observe and 'smell' the roses [ i can't remember when i was last present to the season of spring.... i usually get to summer and say 'damn, i didn't notice the changing buds and the flowers this year! crap!]
also , my eating habits are changing. maybe it's because i am spending more time on MS website, but whatever, i am just glad that i am not such a prisoner of my own habits these days.
and that reminds of a biggie for me: my sex life is changing too. i often forget to remember to masturbate according to schedule! LOL, and i have lost interest in surfing for porn.
i feel like somehow i lost 'weight' and my 'clothes' are fitting me better.
o, another thing i want to write down, is that this year after 23 years of abstinence in recovery from drug and alcohol use, i chose to bring them back into my life. i know, if you are in recovery from those, you are most likely picking up your jaw from the desk at this moment.
what happened for me sometime toward the end of last year, after prior to that, spending a year and a half examining my life, i resolved to confront this issue. i realized that after all these years [no doubt, ceasing obsessive compulsive use of these substances advanced my spiritual and emotional recovery] that i needed to find out who i am for today with those in my life. so i started drinking alcohol again, and recently, when practicing with the band, having a toke or two of pot.
the beauty of it all, is that it has been half a year now since i have been using alcohol again, and my life is not centered around its use. i really think that by brining it back into my life as a healthier person, i was able to break the circle. the monster that was in the closet has been unleashed and it turns out he is not what i feared he might be. i could not have done this before now.
so, now i am free to go about my life without this dread fear that i may someday fall off the wagon. i just jumped off, and waved it on into the sunset. no my life is not now as it once was, organized around the culture of booze consumption. i drink only at appropriate times.
so now the next step for me is this: explore not what 'alcohol did to me' but what being sexually assaulted did to me; how it impacted my life and drew me into the compulsions that resulted in multiple addicted personality [frugs, alcohol, food, sex, process addictions etc].
....stay tuned
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
jottings #2
ok, so i came back from taking mom to the rehab place. i am really pleased at the new sense of myself that i have these days, as i engage in banter with other people. i seem more joyful, and not trying so hard to win the approval of others [ie avoid their rejection of me]by playing court jester to get my own ego needs met. [yes, you WILL love me, and accept me, and cherish me, and long to be with me..... 
....]
ok, where were we..... please go back to whatever it was you were doing, and pay no attention to that man behind the curtain....
....]ok, where were we..... please go back to whatever it was you were doing, and pay no attention to that man behind the curtain....
jottings
i decided that i wanted to create a thread primarily for my own use, where i could document as the need arises the pulse of own progress. it's really not supposed to make sense to anyone, but i welcome comments. i want to have a convenient place to witness my own thought process around this aspect of my life. it's going to be kinda like my survivors blog.
my concern when i first woke up this morning was the last thing that was on my mind before i closed my eyes in sleep last night.
that is the first subject that presented itself to my consciousness. i wondered if i thought about it all night even as i slept.
isn't it funny? i wonder also how many other sleeping ideas are actively yet silently directing my life's path.
i think fear is my primary mode of being. of course i 'do' so many things which cover it up and keep me out of touch with it as my moments link from one to the next.
i am in a band and we practice at a place called 'the dungeon' a really grungy place where musicians and band members can rent out a space to rehearse. last night when i was going to use the 'facilities' i became overwhelmed by a sense of how fearful i was. fearful that i might run into another person on the way. fearful that when i got to the urinal itself, that someone else would be there. would i speak to them? would i just act like they were not there? would they speak to me? would they act as if i were not there? as i was standing there doing my thing, i was full of fear that someone would come in and need to use the area as well.
nothing happened. i was not necessarily relieved in that regard.
so as i walked back to the space, i started to look for patterns of fear in my life. where did this start? how long have been carrying fear of the moment around with me? all my life, i dare say.
i thought about growing up in my family, and how the family was controlled with an unspoken understanding that if you did not toe the line you there would be hell to pay. there was no discussion of any kind....you just knew that you did not question the system. that makes you walk on pins and needles. i mean who wants to get anyone pissed off at them, when they are already so starved for attention and affection. and who wants to have the shit kicked out of them. just stay out of the radar.
so anyway, back at rehearsal....as i was walking back to the space, i thought about how possibly unnatural it was to have the fears that i was experiencing. how limiting it was to have them. how they close the door on potential: the potential to meet and intersect with another consciousness. to experience a 'hit an run' opportunity to expand my spirit by virtue of having happily collided with another.
i think that that was one of the things that the incest took away from me. while giving me a whole lots of reasons to fear
+ rejection (my perp older brother after years of using me decided one day that he was over having sex with his siblings and that was that) today i seem to be tethered somehow to that moment of my life: and that was the ultimate rejection.
so now i realize that he was responsible for initiating me into two of the most powerful psychic experiences that a human could have: sexual initiation, and sexual rejection.... all within a period of about 7 years.
that was really a crucible for me, and as the days unfold for me, even 30 years later, i am beginning to see just how those essential experiences formed the ground upon which my entire perception would be shaped.
i am still uncovering more patterns as i begin to observe the many preferences that i seem to have (how did they get there?) and becoming more aware of the choices that either i avoided or just did not choose to make out of.....well, fear.
i hope that i can begin to make friends with my fear.
today, i have to take mom to her therapy as she recuperates from her second knee surgery in 6 months. doing so takes me out of my usual patterns and exposes me to people and situations that i would not normally encounter. so i get to observe my reactions to these experiences.
it should be challenging.
my concern when i first woke up this morning was the last thing that was on my mind before i closed my eyes in sleep last night.
fear
that is the first subject that presented itself to my consciousness. i wondered if i thought about it all night even as i slept.
isn't it funny? i wonder also how many other sleeping ideas are actively yet silently directing my life's path.
i think fear is my primary mode of being. of course i 'do' so many things which cover it up and keep me out of touch with it as my moments link from one to the next.
i am in a band and we practice at a place called 'the dungeon' a really grungy place where musicians and band members can rent out a space to rehearse. last night when i was going to use the 'facilities' i became overwhelmed by a sense of how fearful i was. fearful that i might run into another person on the way. fearful that when i got to the urinal itself, that someone else would be there. would i speak to them? would i just act like they were not there? would they speak to me? would they act as if i were not there? as i was standing there doing my thing, i was full of fear that someone would come in and need to use the area as well.
nothing happened. i was not necessarily relieved in that regard.
so as i walked back to the space, i started to look for patterns of fear in my life. where did this start? how long have been carrying fear of the moment around with me? all my life, i dare say.
i thought about growing up in my family, and how the family was controlled with an unspoken understanding that if you did not toe the line you there would be hell to pay. there was no discussion of any kind....you just knew that you did not question the system. that makes you walk on pins and needles. i mean who wants to get anyone pissed off at them, when they are already so starved for attention and affection. and who wants to have the shit kicked out of them. just stay out of the radar.
so anyway, back at rehearsal....as i was walking back to the space, i thought about how possibly unnatural it was to have the fears that i was experiencing. how limiting it was to have them. how they close the door on potential: the potential to meet and intersect with another consciousness. to experience a 'hit an run' opportunity to expand my spirit by virtue of having happily collided with another.
i think that that was one of the things that the incest took away from me. while giving me a whole lots of reasons to fear
+ rejection (my perp older brother after years of using me decided one day that he was over having sex with his siblings and that was that) today i seem to be tethered somehow to that moment of my life: and that was the ultimate rejection.
so now i realize that he was responsible for initiating me into two of the most powerful psychic experiences that a human could have: sexual initiation, and sexual rejection.... all within a period of about 7 years.
that was really a crucible for me, and as the days unfold for me, even 30 years later, i am beginning to see just how those essential experiences formed the ground upon which my entire perception would be shaped.
i am still uncovering more patterns as i begin to observe the many preferences that i seem to have (how did they get there?) and becoming more aware of the choices that either i avoided or just did not choose to make out of.....well, fear.
i hope that i can begin to make friends with my fear.
today, i have to take mom to her therapy as she recuperates from her second knee surgery in 6 months. doing so takes me out of my usual patterns and exposes me to people and situations that i would not normally encounter. so i get to observe my reactions to these experiences.
it should be challenging.
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Mother Theresa strikes again....
We,
the unwilling,
led by the unknowing,
are doing the impossible for the ungrateful.
We have done so much,
for so long,
with so little,
we are now qualified to do anything with nothing.
Mother Teresa
the unwilling,
led by the unknowing,
are doing the impossible for the ungrateful.
We have done so much,
for so long,
with so little,
we are now qualified to do anything with nothing.
Mother Teresa
Friday, May 30, 2008
I had no idea this was written by Leonard Cohen
this song, hallelujah, is very moving. i think i had only heard the version by jeff buckley. at any rate it is a poignant song of relationships gone awry....nice to know relationships have not changed since david's time.....
this resonates
some may think i should be ashamed to admit it but, i'm not, and there it is.....
I heard this song by fiona apple the other day as i was driving to work; i had heard her name but never associated with any of her music til now..... i kinda resonate with the way this girl thinks, and you know how much i love the double meaning ( think shins : 'turn on me' / turn me on) ..... hahaha
I heard this song by fiona apple the other day as i was driving to work; i had heard her name but never associated with any of her music til now..... i kinda resonate with the way this girl thinks, and you know how much i love the double meaning ( think shins : 'turn on me' / turn me on) ..... hahaha
"Get Him Back"
One man, he disappoint me
He give me the gouge and he take my glee
Now every other man I see
Remind me of the one man who disappoint me
But wait till I get him back
He won't have a back to scratch
Yeah, keep turning that chin
And you will see my
Face as I figure how to kill what I cannot catch
So I say, and on I go
To another one to disappoint me so
Next one up, a contemptible snob
He live to put things in their place
He did a commendable job
He put himself so low
He can hardly even look me in the face
O, he made my blood just burn
I flipped so far, I thought that I would not return
But the last one I had who was getting my hopes up
I might've been a little fast to dismiss
I think he let me down, when he didn't disappoint me
He didn't always guess right, but he usually got my gist
So wait till I get him back
I'm gonna bring him home and I'll watch him unpack
Yeah keep turning that chin
And you will see my face is fixed on the one
I'm gonna get back
I'm gonna get him back
I am
I'm gonna get him back
I really am
One man, he disappoint me
He give me the gouge and he take my glee
Now every other man I see
Remind me of the one man who disappoint me
But wait till I get him back
He won't have a back to scratch
Yeah, keep turning that chin
And you will see my
Face as I figure how to kill what I cannot catch
So I say, and on I go
To another one to disappoint me so
Next one up, a contemptible snob
He live to put things in their place
He did a commendable job
He put himself so low
He can hardly even look me in the face
O, he made my blood just burn
I flipped so far, I thought that I would not return
But the last one I had who was getting my hopes up
I might've been a little fast to dismiss
I think he let me down, when he didn't disappoint me
He didn't always guess right, but he usually got my gist
So wait till I get him back
I'm gonna bring him home and I'll watch him unpack
Yeah keep turning that chin
And you will see my face is fixed on the one
I'm gonna get back
I'm gonna get him back
I am
I'm gonna get him back
I really am
Thursday, May 29, 2008
letting go of letting go.......
well we had our first rehearsal last night with me as part of xian's band 'all hail dischordia'. i didn't know what i was going to be able to bring to the table; i had listened in depth and actually analyzed harmonically what was going on in the songs in the myspace player, and was ready to just contribute. it ended up that in order to accommodate the new dimension, the songs pretty much had to be repurposed, and the guys loved what came out of it. the myspace recordings are full of overdubs which could not be done live without a couple other people and instruments anyway. at any rate it felt and sounded good.
after playing around with the older songs, we started to get into one of the newer ones they had been trying to put together for the last 6 months. the song we worked on does not have a name, as the band does not name their songs until they are finished, but they did already have an idea for what they wanted from a keyboard/synth player. i really enjoyed the experience very much, and didn't get home until closer to midnight! very unusual for me. my life had kinda morphed into a solitary kind of existence, going to work, coming home, taking care of the birds etc.
in addition to all this newness, all of my letting go of unnecessary stuff, has brought me to a place of letting go of letting go. letting go of a lot of newly revealed mindsets, particularly those that have to do with the box that i put god in all my life. it is very scary to live without the idea that everything i am doing is for some ordained purpose. and it sux to realize that that is one of the safety nets i clung to all my life to get me thru.
i am sick of observing my life as a reporter rather than just living the damned thing.
after playing around with the older songs, we started to get into one of the newer ones they had been trying to put together for the last 6 months. the song we worked on does not have a name, as the band does not name their songs until they are finished, but they did already have an idea for what they wanted from a keyboard/synth player. i really enjoyed the experience very much, and didn't get home until closer to midnight! very unusual for me. my life had kinda morphed into a solitary kind of existence, going to work, coming home, taking care of the birds etc.
in addition to all this newness, all of my letting go of unnecessary stuff, has brought me to a place of letting go of letting go. letting go of a lot of newly revealed mindsets, particularly those that have to do with the box that i put god in all my life. it is very scary to live without the idea that everything i am doing is for some ordained purpose. and it sux to realize that that is one of the safety nets i clung to all my life to get me thru.
i am sick of observing my life as a reporter rather than just living the damned thing.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
newness everywhere i go
so many new things have been happening these days. and add to that my most recent addition to the clan: his name is spencer (after the salesman whose heart was broken to see him 'go'. i had my eye on spencer for several months, and just couldn't bring myself to invest such a large amount of payola, but on my most recent visit i decided it was time, and decided to go with the interest free deal.
here he is (he's an african grey, btw)
:
here's a picture of the entire jungle gym that i have in my bedroom:
the other new thing that's pretty awesome is that xian asked me to be a part of his band all hail dischordia. of course i said yes. it seems my life is beginning to take off here in pittsburgh what with the job, becoming a member of the diocesan choir, the birds (all 5 of them!) and joining the band. all i have to say is that it is a good thing that my job is not 9-5 punch a clock!
here he is (he's an african grey, btw)
:here's a picture of the entire jungle gym that i have in my bedroom:
the other new thing that's pretty awesome is that xian asked me to be a part of his band all hail dischordia. of course i said yes. it seems my life is beginning to take off here in pittsburgh what with the job, becoming a member of the diocesan choir, the birds (all 5 of them!) and joining the band. all i have to say is that it is a good thing that my job is not 9-5 punch a clock!
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
let go a grip
it has been a while now since i've last written, but i've been going thru so much personal stuff i just don't care to write about it. Some of the highlights since March:
- holy week and easter season
- mom's surgery may 1
- new toys: Juno-g; micro br
- extensive dental work
- fr. frank's 40th anniversary liturgy
- preparation for the 100th year anniversary of ressi parish
- new tech to service the organ at ressi
- xian's music
i may add to this list later.......
- holy week and easter season
- mom's surgery may 1
- new toys: Juno-g; micro br
- extensive dental work
- fr. frank's 40th anniversary liturgy
- preparation for the 100th year anniversary of ressi parish
- new tech to service the organ at ressi
- xian's music
i may add to this list later.......
the new additions to family
i guess i forgot to add pics of the new angels that have come to stay in my charge:
that's rufus who you met earlier, with maya, a blue ring-necked parakeet in a tree in our backyard. i got maya to keep rufus company when i was away at work.
i also got a companion to keep zoombaloomba company; another cockatiel named pearl.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Update
Thanks for the pictures from the Hawaii trip.
I figured since I am laid out with the flu I would post a couple of pics of my own. So here we have the two newest additions to the household:
#1 is the Red bellied parrot, Rufus (Rufus T. Byrd to be exact)
#2 addition I obtained as a companion for Rufus, to keep him company when I am away. He is a cockatiel and his name is Zoombaloomba T. Byrd
I figured since I am laid out with the flu I would post a couple of pics of my own. So here we have the two newest additions to the household:
#1 is the Red bellied parrot, Rufus (Rufus T. Byrd to be exact)
#2 addition I obtained as a companion for Rufus, to keep him company when I am away. He is a cockatiel and his name is Zoombaloomba T. Byrd
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